"Just" Ruins Lives

It’s amazing the power that words have over us. What’s even more astounding is the power willingly give to words.

For example. Think of a 4-letter word. No not that one; this is a family-friendly blog. Think of a 4-letter word that starts with “J”. Got it? Ok my title might have given it away.

“Just”

“Just” is a word that unless absolutely necessary, I’m trying to abolish from my vocabulary. I have no qualms with using it in a comforting or consoling manner: “It’s just a little scrape”, “it’s just a few bucks”, or the ever-so-classic-yet-defiant, “it’s just a flesh wound!”.

What’s my recent vendetta against the “J” word? When I first started working at my current job as an administrative assistant, I was introduced to someone and I said “Oh I’m just their admin.” The person looked at me and said “no one is ‘just’ anything. You matter a lot more than ‘just’.” It’s something that’s stuck with me even to this day, and I’ve been here about 8 months now.

Let’s look at my moniker for my blog: “Just-A-Redhead”. Shame on me! It’s not much of a secret if you know me or if you’ve read this blog for any amount of time that I’ve got quite the history of self-hate. For the better part of my life I hated my body, I hated my self, and pretty much thought I was worthless. I would be extroverted to a T then consider myself “just another dumb teenager” inside. When I was in college, I was “just a college student”. When I was in a relationship, I was “just X’s girlfriend” at events. I’m involved in children’s ministry at my church and there I’ve considered myself “just another volunteer.”

I’m not just anything.

I am Chosen (1 Peter 2:9)

I am Forgiven (Colossians 1:13-14)

I have a Purpose (Jeremiah 29:11)

I am New (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I bring Light to dark places (Matthew 5:14)

I am Beloved (Song of Songs 6:3)

I am a Daugher, an Admin, a Cousin, a Teacher [of children], a Friend, a Woman, a Granddaughter, a Dancer, a Redhead.

By calling myself on this blog “Just-A-Redhead”, I’m shorting myself so much. I’m more than “Just a Redhead”. A friend once told me that I’m multi-faceted like a precious stone.

Precious stones aren’t just rocks. They’re treasured, admired, used to adorn people and things. Using “just” is fine in certain contexts, but don’t ever refer to yourself or to another person as “just” anything.

No one is “just” anything. Love yourself more than that. Someone else does.

Abba help me to see my full potential in life, and to realize how much You truly love me…

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (Ephesians 2:10 NLT) 


"You never change, You're still the same..."

I was driving home today and I realized I can not wait until I can sing with/dance with/love/kiss someone in the rain.

All about Your timing, Abba.

Content.

And completely enamored by a big God.

For the first time...

Do you ever read something that you know you've read/heard a million times, and it seems like it's happening for the first time? That's never really happened to me with the Bible, since I've grown up in church and went to Bible college and all that stuff. But yesterday was different.

I was supposed to teach from Esther 4 in kid's church yesterday, so I spent a lot of time yesterday afternoon [being a procrastinator and] prepping for my lesson. I read through chapters 1-3 to get a better feel for it, since I have heard it so much, and I wanted to make sure I got all the details right.

I swear, it was like the first time reading it.

The pretty standard things that people will preach out of Esther is 1)Esther was a queen who managed to save all the Jews, and 2) it took courage for this woman to go to her husband the King and reveal that not only did she want the lives of all the Jews, but hers as well since she was a Jew.

My biggest revelation?

God works out the craziest things to save lives. Ester 4:14 (NIrV) says "...perhaps you became a queen for such a time as this." I swear I just sat there stunned for a few minutes. Now, as I told the kids, Esther wasn't really anyone pre-Queen. She was a beautiful girl who'd lost both parents and had been raised by her cousin Mordecai. She had a pleasant demeanor and gentle spirit, and because of these things plus her beauty, the King found favor in her.

She was created beautiful so a King would fall in love with her so she could one day save a nation.

That just struck me in such a huge, thunderous kind of way. I told the kids last night that they were all created to be who they are "for such a time as this." There are things they can do that I'll never be able to do. There are things I can do that they'll never be able to do. I told them that I firmly believe with everything in me that they can change the world if they just have the courage. Yes, we don't have a monarchy so it's very likely that none of them will ever be in that kind of situation, but... We serve a crazy awesome God. We serve an extremely creative God who works out the strangest circumstances for His glory.

Esther had so much courage... When she went to see her husband, she knew there was a chance she could be killed unless he waved the royal scepter at her. Back in the day it was actually illegal to just go see the king without being summoned, so she had a lot at stake. And because of her beauty and her demeanor, the King not only waved the scepter at her but also offered her up to 1/2 of his kingdom if it's what she wanted.

I was created "for such a time as this." Now, I don't know when exactly that sentiment will be true, but it IS going to be true. I've got a special purpose in my life, as do you, whether you accept it or not.

Cheers,
A Redhead

Abba help me to have courage like Esther. Help me to realize that what I see as mediocre can be used for your glory.

Esther 4:14 (NIRV)
"Who knows? It's possible that you became queen for a time just like this."

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life

Meet my pooch, Storm. He's pretty much the coolest quadruped I know.
Today I was at lunch with a dear friend of mine and she admitted that she "stalked" me and read back through my blog. My heart rate sped up a bit as I pondered what I'd blogged about over the last couple of years. That stopped almost as quickly as it started, because really, she already knew most if not all of those things already anyway. =)

I like that.

I like that God has managed to blow my puny little brain matter yet again by giving me such awesome friends. If you've a) kept up with this blog as I've done it over the years, or b) gone back through and read it, then you know that I fairly well crave people. That was one of my biggest fears of moving back home to VA, was not having friends. Because really, at the time, I had very few friends here (not that they weren't amazing!). I decided to peruse through my blog entries (hence why I'm still awake instead of being in bed an hour ago like I promised I would...) and as I read I felt so many emotions it was like a teen movie: sadness, excitement, happiness, anger, frustration, joy... The whole gang of emotions was there. Memories swelled up in me as I read back through entry after entry of hurt and hope, depression & God's faithfulness, words spoken to me and over me that I had since forgotten. . .

I'm still doing the Daniel Fast, and I've already lost 4 pounds since Tuesday! I feel like I might actually get a handle on my life this time. And by my life I mean my weight. But things seem different this time. I don't crave sugar right now. I don't crave fried food. I don't crave much of anything. If I'm hungry I eat fruit or veggies or organic Multigrain chips (SO good!). I've been finding great recipes online. God is doing something big with me and my health. It's unfortunate that I did the whole bulimia thing for so long- eating healthy and exercising regularly isn't as hard/awful as I used to think it was. Don't get me wrong; I would not trade my eating disorder & depressive years for anything. Sounds strange, but it's true. Think of the people that I can now relate to because of my experiences. There's no way I'd have been able to do something like that if I hadn't gone through what I've gone through.

I'm thankful for friends who push me to do things (Daniel fast & exercising). I'm thankful for friends who pour into my life and build me up with legitimate, fulfilling words of affirmation. I'm thankful for a family who loves me and supports me. I'm thankful for leadership opportunities in ministry even though they're not paid. I'm thankful for an amazing job that has allowed me to buy a car and pay off my credit card.

I'm thankful for God being a breathtakingly beautiful God.

I'm thankful beyond measure that my parents are attending Dave Ramsey's financial peace class at church. As in my unsaved father is going to church every week.

I'm thankful for a God that doesn't do things in a conventional manner.

"You are more, You are more, than my words will ever say.
You are Lord, You are Lord, all creation will proclaim.
You are here, You are here, in Your presence I'm made whole.
You are God, You are God, of all else I'm letting go."

Psalms 33:21 "In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name."

Actually, I'm doing pretty good!

So it's been awhile since my word vomit all over my blog. Thankfully, it's been long enough that I have lovely and excellent news to report!

I'm ok!

Yep. True story.

In the last blog, I think I'd really hit my low point with the sickness and all that nonsense, and finally accepting that I wasn't ok is what ultimately helped me to be ok. After that I started praying more and begging God to pull me out of the muck I'd found myself stuck in, and apparently begging works! :) I started to smile more, my illness (still unknown what exactly it was..) was getting better, I slept a ton. I started to feel like myself again. I felt that joy that I know is usually so prevalent in my life come seeping back in like an old friend. Love & warmth from God draped over my sick body like a fuzzy blanket.

I felt radiant, for lack of a better word. I knew I started to feel better when I took the time to put together an outfit that had layers and required effort and high heels! For almost two months prior I had wanted to live in jeans and flats. And here I was! Posing in front of my full-length mirror making sure the heels looked good with the skirt and tights. I was me again. :)

Starting in 6 days, I will be doing the Daniel Fast. Basically going vegan plus no sugar/caffeine/"pleasant foods". I'm really excited, actually! A dear friend of mine in PA (hey girl heyyyy!) did it and was raving about the results she's been having. Not just physical results (because the girl's lost 20 lbs!) but also the spiritual and emotional results. This sounds like just what I need: I love myself and I have confidence, but I just want to be healthier. I want to be able to chase after kids at church, or even after my own when the time comes, without getting winded or coughing. I don't want to have a difficult time finding clothes that fit me at stores. I can't keep blaming designers for not making clothes my size, when really it's me who's the problem in being this size.

Again, don't get me wrong- I'm a big fan of me. A much bigger fan than I used to be [pun not intended. ha!]. I just want to be healthy. And I want to swing dance for hours without my face turning bright red.

From March 1-31st, I'll be doing the Daniel Fast with 2 other friends, and another friend who's giving up coffee. I'm excited. Pumped, even! I'm taking control of my own body. We'll be going to zumba and hopefully to the gym more often. In fact, I even went to the gym last night! Look at me go! =) And just for fun, we're calling it "March Madness 2011". Don't tell basketball fans!

Please pray with me as I do this though; I'm not expecting it to be easy and I've never been great with moderation. That's why I'm hoping the "cold turkey" method will cut it. I think this will be good though, I think I might be on the process of changing my life for the better.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body"

No, actually, I'm not ok.

I'm doing this media fast for the week so basically that's no internet (outside of work of course), no movies, no TV, nada. I have been checking my Gmail, but only to delete stuff that's coming in- I'm not actually reading anything.

I've been sick since the week before Christmas. This is 5 weeks now. I'm pretty much over it, but I still have some lingering affects (congesting, coughing, fatigue...) and I'm still not emotionally back up to 100%. I've come to realize this past week that being sick for a prolonged amount of time has sent me spiraling down into a pit of depression that I don't normally see. I'm a very chill, even-tempered person. In the last 5 weeks I've been moody, cranky, easily angered, and internally just a jerk. Numerous plans have been cancelled due to illness/weather issues, and the resulting spot is me sitting at home doing virtually nothing for 5 weeks. Excluding last week where I did actually go to 2 separate places (Florida & Williamsburg, respectively), I've been out twice in the last 5 weeks.

Twice.

I normally go out at a bare minimum twice a week.

Please understand now the depths of my despair. I feel like my soul is being sucked out through Nyquil and effervescent tablets. Like my life has become something in a shrink wrapped package: generic and dull. I hate it. I hate me. I don't like who I am anymore. I see pictures of myself from college and pictures of myself from recently and I wonder who that smiling girl is. I feel like I don't even recognize her anymore. She had a radiance and a joy that I feel like I just don't have. I feel. . . nothing, really. I don't feel much of anything actually.

This past Sunday at my young adults group I was honored by a friend of mine in front of everyone else. As I sat there listening to him share our story of what happened one fateful night a year ago, I felt a faint nudging in my heart saying "See, you're not as sucky of a person as you think you are." Since I've been doing my fast this week I've also only been listening to worship music. I'm trying to pull myself out of this depression.

I want out. I want to smile. I want to feel like this pressure's off my chest. I want to feel again. I want to walk in the halls of my work places and have the confidence of my Heavenly creator bounding through me.

For now I feel like I'm slowly pulling myself out of a thick, amorphous sludge. Something that's gradually being peeled off, but is still being resistent. I need prayer. I need people. I need encouragement. I need my Abba God.

Lord, help?