No, actually, I'm not ok.

I'm doing this media fast for the week so basically that's no internet (outside of work of course), no movies, no TV, nada. I have been checking my Gmail, but only to delete stuff that's coming in- I'm not actually reading anything.

I've been sick since the week before Christmas. This is 5 weeks now. I'm pretty much over it, but I still have some lingering affects (congesting, coughing, fatigue...) and I'm still not emotionally back up to 100%. I've come to realize this past week that being sick for a prolonged amount of time has sent me spiraling down into a pit of depression that I don't normally see. I'm a very chill, even-tempered person. In the last 5 weeks I've been moody, cranky, easily angered, and internally just a jerk. Numerous plans have been cancelled due to illness/weather issues, and the resulting spot is me sitting at home doing virtually nothing for 5 weeks. Excluding last week where I did actually go to 2 separate places (Florida & Williamsburg, respectively), I've been out twice in the last 5 weeks.

Twice.

I normally go out at a bare minimum twice a week.

Please understand now the depths of my despair. I feel like my soul is being sucked out through Nyquil and effervescent tablets. Like my life has become something in a shrink wrapped package: generic and dull. I hate it. I hate me. I don't like who I am anymore. I see pictures of myself from college and pictures of myself from recently and I wonder who that smiling girl is. I feel like I don't even recognize her anymore. She had a radiance and a joy that I feel like I just don't have. I feel. . . nothing, really. I don't feel much of anything actually.

This past Sunday at my young adults group I was honored by a friend of mine in front of everyone else. As I sat there listening to him share our story of what happened one fateful night a year ago, I felt a faint nudging in my heart saying "See, you're not as sucky of a person as you think you are." Since I've been doing my fast this week I've also only been listening to worship music. I'm trying to pull myself out of this depression.

I want out. I want to smile. I want to feel like this pressure's off my chest. I want to feel again. I want to walk in the halls of my work places and have the confidence of my Heavenly creator bounding through me.

For now I feel like I'm slowly pulling myself out of a thick, amorphous sludge. Something that's gradually being peeled off, but is still being resistent. I need prayer. I need people. I need encouragement. I need my Abba God.

Lord, help?