Bittersweet Rambles

So it's 1:24 am and I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed. I thought for a moment I may fall asleep, but then my brain started fleshing out this blog post and some of my thoughts earlier this afternoon, and I realized there was nothing for me to do but word vomit onto my forgotten blog. #RunOnSentence

It dawned on me after scoffing a Tweet I read earlier that I've allowed some serious bitterness to creep into my heart. I was reading this person's tweet, being particularly annoyed, when I had the most original and brilliant idea to "unfollow" them! By jove, give the girl a medal! Why didn't this dawn on me sooner? This person's tweets warrant nothing but rolling eyeballs from me, and I don't particularly enjoy seeing their posts clog up my feed. But instead I spent months building up this irritation towards this person I haven't seen in 2+ years.

I've also just been snarky lately towards the general populace. Not necessarily in a way that others have noticed (Lord do I hope not!) but I've caught myself criticizing others in my head. Why? What does this benefit me? Does it lift them up? Does it make me a better person? Who is this snotty, judgmental girl I've caught myself impersonating the last few months? The Redhead I thought I was had compassion towards strangers and didn't use profanity so casually (Note: The cursing isn't often, but it's definitely been on the rise from previous years!). I've built up a tolerance and hardness towards things that I once would have never considered. What is going on?

I've been remiss in not spilling all the juicy details of my December 14th proposal (see here! :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wc4bLB8zCJg), but I've noticed in the last few weeks I've started to build up bitterness in regards to wedding planning. Now let me preface this: I am so unbelievably grateful that we're so blessed with our budget. We really are. My parents have been amazingly generous, my beloved is being so great and sweet, yet I find myself being irritated at the economy of the DC Metropolitan area. I've burst into tears on more than one occasion (ok I think it was twice. Maybe thrice.) just because we seem to be spending a ton of money yet it's "not enough". I don't actually believe it's not enough, but the fact is we live in an expensive area. A friend of mine is getting married in upstate New York, and for the cost of his entire wedding + reception (including food!) it's a little over what we paid just for the space for our reception. That's frustrating to me, a girl who loves bargains and only spent 10% of her allotted dress budget on her dream dress. But I've noticed I've built up a bitterness that everything is so much money. I'm frustrated that the wedding industry is celebrating something so beautiful and so amazing by marking up their prices 100-500%. A cake that would normally be $200 becomes $500 all because it has "wedding" in front of it. Paper that should cost a few dollars is in the $100-range. All candles are suddenly known as centerpieces, and hair do's cost twice the price.

Welcome to my frustrations.

What I'm not doing though is turning to God with my bitterness and concerns. I'm sitting her stewing and being cranky. I can't change the NoVa economy. I can't make money come out of nowhere. I can't lessen the price of sugar and flour.

I can, however, submit my requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

I'm not saying that God's going to give me the massive wedding I secretly desire. I'm not saying I'm not in the wrong with my language or my thought life. But I'm saying that God can give me contentment with what we have. God can change my thoughts and my speech to match His thoughts and His speech. In 10 years, my love and l will remember that we [hopefully] ate food and I wore a pretty dress, but in 10 years I'd rather be celebrating that we've been married for a decade! It's so easy to get caught up in stuff that just doesn't matter, which includes my completely unnecessary opinions about a stranger's attire. Do I need glittery napkin rings? Nope. Do I want to feed our ~200 closest friends and family? Heck yes I do. Does that random stranger care what I think about them? Nope. Probably not, especially since I'll likely never seen them again.Do I want to see the pictures of my love and I as we get our first glance? Yes. More than anything. But I need to turn to the Bible and to God everyday to keep myself in check.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, 

since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 

2 Corinthians 4:18

Thank You

Dear Abba,

I'm embarrassed to say it's been a little while since I took a minute just to say "Thank you".

Thank you for making me wait 5 years, when constantly I was convinced I was ready.
Thank you for having a plan laid out that I couldn't see, yet now in hindsight makes perfect sense.
Thank you for protecting me from myself and my "grand plan".
Thank you for knowing I'm worthy enough to love this man that I'm head over heels for.
Thank you for showing me that I deserve the best, and it's proven by me having the best.
Thank you for bringing someone into my life in a completely unexpected way.
Thank you for the words of wisdom a few years ago telling me to look outside my box.
Thank you for teaching me how to let someone in on my independent life.
Thank you for the constant amazement at how wonderful You are.
Thank you for wonderful friends and mentors along the way that told me this day would come.
Thank you for putting this love in my heart that I don't entirely understand, but completely embrace.
Thank you for bringing someone that is just as weird as I am, but in his own flavor.
Thank you for giving me everything I wanted, and everything I didn't know that I wanted.
Thank you for a hopeless romantic.
Thank you for a man that's sensitive and plans the most spectacular dates that make us the envy of everyone I know.
Thank you for a man who knocks me off my feet, literally and figuratively.
Thank you for beards.
Thank you for his smile which seems to make everything better.
Thank you that when I am cranky, he is comforting.
Thank you that when I want to punch the world in the face, he offers his jaw (to scratch The Beard).
Thank you yet again for beards.
Thank you for someone that I can't quite see my life without.
Thank you for making me into a better woman because I'm worth it and he deserves it.
Thank you for pursuing me through my love.
Thank you for reminding me of your daily love and devotion in the simplest of ways, be it Pinterest or Facebook.
Thank you for a hope that I feel welling up inside of me that I haven't felt in a long time.
Thank you for showing me that sometimes you do need to walk alone, but only for a season.
Thank you for these [almost] 9 months, complete with ups and downs and all the inbetweens.
Thank you for making me so excited for the next forever.

Love,
NotJustARedhead

Collaborative Weirdness

Arms above your head.

Feet apart.

Wiggle your butt.

Walk from side to side.

This sounds like the start of describing that girl in the club that no one wants to be around. What is it actually? A Zumba class. Basically just as awkward as the aforementioned girl. Group fitness classes are supposed to be a fun and different way to lose weight. If we're all honest with ourselves, it's trying to let the slutty ghetto version of ourselves come out of our Nilla Wafer shells*. I watch some of these instructors that seem to have the honest hips of Shakira, yet when I attempt it I feel more like the jiggly Jell-o of Santa. I start to shimmy and shake, yet my body doesn't stop when I actually do. Most of the moves warrant a glance at my closest girl friend that secretly says, "Please don't judge me for what you're about to see", or even better "I hope you look more awkward than I do". Don't get me wrong- I love group fitness classes. I love Zumba. I love how awkward I know I look yet how good I feel after the fact. But if we're honest, I feel like the below picture is my life:

Doing Zumba makes me feel confident and sexy- making the most of my ample curves. Doing Zumba also makes me realize I look something akin to Jim Carrey pretending to be a traumatized football player in a tutu.

In the ~2+ years I've been doing the "white girl booty pop", I've noticed there are always the same girls in every class. They transcend race, age, and social standing...

- "Look! Something Shiny!". These girls are on a beat of their own. They're often super nice, very friendly, and always look like they're having a great time. But their 2-step and weird hip swaying would lend to the theory they're not actually in the same class as you.

- "Grandma's bringin' sexy back". These women are usually a little older; they're in the 50-60 range. They're often on the slimmer side, and are doing Zumba to prove that they can, or because their younger daughter dragged them out saying it would be "fun".

- "I do Salsa. Nothing else.". That's really it. These women do slower salsa moves the whole times, and sometimes throw in some arm sways to follow along. They are typically actually Latina.

- "Awkward Irish girls trying to be Latina". This is me. And most of my friends. We're all middle-class white girls [mostly], yet we're convinced that somewhere deep in our bloodline runs a stream of Chula girl.

Zumba brings all women to the room and all boys to the yard (supposedly). Do I look awkward as all get out listening to loud Spanish rap music? Yes. Do I have a fantastic and sweaty time while burning calories? Double yes.



*I'm a super pale Irish girl, so I'm speaking for myself here.  

Feel Again

Ah faithful interwebs, what a shamefully long time it's been! Thank God I'm not a professional Blogger or I would have been out of a job 3 weeks ago... I've been e-mailing with a girl friend of mine with whom I used to be the best of buds, and through mutual agreement we've acknowledged that we're just not there anymore. But that's ok! Friends and seasons shift, which is what's got me thinking and having the urge to post upon my long-forgotten blog.

Anyway, as I said I was e-mailing my friend, and we were updating each other on our lives since we also don't see each other much anymore. It's so odd. Since we last spoke, I stopped attending my now-former home church. Church has always been such an integral part of my life and always part of the update: "Oh you know- working, kid's churching, swing dancing, the usual.". But now my update is that I work and swing dance.

I'm feeling nomadic with church world right now. I've been to a few different churches... One didn't have any emphasis on the Holy Spirit, and I felt it the whole time I was in there. It was so odd- I've had the conversation with people before about the importance of the Holy Spirit, but I've never felt the palpable difference when it wasn't there. Sad really, as this church was fantastic and has such great community outreach. Could you imagine the even further impact they could have if they would embrace the power of the Holy Spirit? The other church I went to... Hm. It makes me think I'm a church snob. This group seemed very nice, and A and I even ran into a new acquaintance of ours from swing dance, but I just didn't feel comfortable there at all.

Church hunting is so weird. And a little painful. Even in college, I knew people at both churches I attended before actually going there. Now... That's not really the case, unless it's a happy coincidence.

With the dispersal of the young adults group at my church has come a new season in my life: one where I'm not constantly surrounded by people my age. And this is weird. Part of the church hunt includes a craving to be around people my own age- to have fun and make new friends. I know that's not what church is about, although maybe it is. The church is the body of Christ, not some building. Part of knowing God is being in fellowship with Him and fellow believers. So strike that- if people at a church all suck, then chances are the church itself probably sucks. So it's good to want to find a place where I will fit in and make new friends. This should be easy as I'll pretty much be friends with anyone.

This is kind of a weird season in my life right now. One filled with transition- A and I are pretty serious and are talking about big things for our future, I'm pondering asking for a promotion at work, I'm pondering a master's, I'm lamenting a lack of counseling classes so I could follow that career path, I'm looking for a church... I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads and not exactly positive what to do or where to go.

Is it awful that I kind of want to pack it up and move to Boston or San Diego (both have active swing scenes!) and start over?

It's not always a good thing...

I've got what I like to think of as a "high-functioning imagination". Or what it really is, is an "overactive imagination". Most of the time it's great- I can think of funny scenarios, write things on a whim, come up with fun stuff for kid's church... But then there are times, like at 2:39am on a Saturday morning, when my overactive imagination betrays me. Housesitting for a friend in their massive house, every creak is suddenly ominous and threatening. Any tiny sound which is probably nothing is a menacing voice in the dark. Blurry eyes means I don't see the nightlight I left on in the bathroom shining through under my door. Nights like these I absolutely and completely resent my imagination.

Nothing awful has happened to me since I was a kid, yet I still feel haunted by insecurities. My wonderful boyfriend is sweet enough to come over now, at 2:47am, after leaving the post-swing diner because I'm too big of a baby to be in the house alone. I'll probably plead for him to watch TV with me until I fall asleep on the couch or something.

I'm embarrassed to admit that when I get this freaked out there's little that can make me feel better outside of someone else being around. Being on the phone with a friend/boy is nice, but it still doesn't assuage the paranoia that's risen within me- "Yeah but what IF something DOES happen? No one is still here". It resonates in me, mocking me at being a 25 year old infant. I know that God has not given us a spirit of fear. I know that God's plans are perfect. I know there are many different verses I could read. But it still just doesn't seem like enough. I still feel like I need my hand held through the night.

Maybe someday I'll get over this. Maybe someday I'll finally have the peace knowing that all the doors are locked and I am safe. Maybe someday I'll actually feel safe somewhere.

It's a slow fade...

After what I heard this morning, nausea aside, how could I ignore Jesus? Seriously? I've grown up in church, I know better than this crap. I feel a little prodigal-y. This is kind of unexpected... The song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns has been resonating within me the last few weeks. It HAS been a slow fade; and most certainly one I never saw coming in my life. Please don't get me wrong here, the song is clearly about adultery with a smattering of underage drinking (if you watch the music video, that is...)- that's not why it's been so present in the back of my brain. But what's caught me is the spiritual fade I've found myself caught in the last ~6 months or so. Now, to be fair, a lot of my strongest years spiritually were actually at college. This isn't difficult to believe when you know that I attended a small, conservative, private Christian college and had to go to chapel 5 days a week plus be involved in an off-campus church on the weekends. A relationship with God was the easiest thing in the world to maintain half the time*. But here in the "real world", while I've found my niche in the world so far, it's really difficult to maintain the relationship. I'm not constantly around other like-minded believers. I don't have the rules and regulations I did on campus. Believe me, I don't particularly miss the rules/regulations. At all.

I never wanted to end up here, spiritual speaking... It's a land of greys, compromises, and excuses. It's a place where I can't see myself yet I feel on display in regards to my behaviors, whether it's at church or at work. It's a place where there's little hope.

The fact that there's little hope though is my fault. It's not like God has ever abandoned me or left me to wallow in this world. He jumps in front of me and I get turned away by some distraction. He pursues me with obvious reminders and nudgings, hoping for a hint of affection from me, and I flitter the other way still distracted.

The redeeming part of this whole thing?

I see these mistakes.
I want God back.
I want to run and jump in front of Him.
I want to pursue Him in large and passionate ways.
I want to write love letters and spend time reading about Him.
I want to throw my arms around His neck and never let him out of my sight again.

"It's a slow fade, when you give yourself away. A slow fade, when black and white are turned to grey." 

I've found myself compromising on my standards in some regards (yet never on the boyfriend front and now I'm incredibly blessed/thankful for those standards!), such as things I'll say or ways I'll act in front of co-workers. I don't like that. That's not what I've been called to. That's not why God sent His only son down to be brutally crucified.

Father help me to run to you. Keep my eyes up and on Your face. I want to love and serve You all the days of my life. 

*That's a whole other blog post for a different time. I'm not saying people at Christian colleges don't struggle- I'm just saying it's a lot easier when you're in a community of believers and going to a church service of some flavor at a minimum of 6 days a week.

I don't own this song, yo. 

"We're equal in this..."

"We're equal in this, we're together in this, and we will work things out together."

Just a few simple words but they impacted her more than she anticipated. In fact, they impacted her more than many of the other things he had said to her. Not that all other sentiments were null, but something about the solidarity he suggested, coupled with the fact that he too felt the same way. She was loath to bring up anything that resembled confrontation, but she felt safe talking to him. And while this wasn't anything resembling conflict, the girl just didn't know how it would be received. How was it received? Absolutely beautifully. The glowing warmth she felt inside her heart swelled for him as she exhaled slowly. Many of her friends chose to display romantic exaltations on social media sites, but this girl wanted something different. Something less... showy. Not that there was anything wrong, but for the feeling she had inside, Facebook wasn't to be her outlet.

Instead she would write in her little corner of the internet, and show how much her heart had been impacted  by one man. Speak of how excellent of a leader he was, both on and off the dance floor. Praise his ability to be rational and thoughtful, while still maintaining an exuberant lust for life and laughter. Laud his willingness to help in any and all situations, be it by driving to a convenience store or by praying.

This man is awesome. He is kind and sweet, gentle but fierce, courageous but meek, lovable and ridiculous. He's everything that God knew I would ever, ever need. And everything I didn't know that I needed.

"Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind."
Philippians 2:2