How big is my barn?

I should know better than to say on my way to church "God, I think I need to cry in service today". Really? What did I think I was asking for? Did I actually expect to ask for tears and then not get them?

I'm not sure where to start with this blog post. Do I want to start with how I've been subconsciously malcontent with singledom for the entirety of 2011? Do I want to start with how I know 10 couples (not people, couples) that have gotten engaged in the last 2 weeks, or 11 in the last month? Do I want to start with the ramblings about a few male friends I know that I think would be excellent choices yet apparently God disagrees [at least for the time being] with? 

Let's start with my crying. That seems good given my initial question. I've been in a spiritual rut for a few months. And where before I was wondering who I was or what I was doing, I'm on the mend and Jesus and I are doing much better. To be fair, He wasn't ever not good, it was always me that wandered and did my own thing. So when I asked God this morning to let me cry in service, I needed something. Anything. I needed an emotional release to prove [I suppose] that I do still love God and I do still have a heart. Sitting next to a dear friend of mine they started to play "Be Thou My Vision". It's an old hymn asking for God's vision in your life despite all things that happen, and to keep your focus. Apropos, non? I told him not to judge me if I started to cry and he just smiled and said that it's worship- you're supposed to be emotional. I sang the words softly at first, then more loudly as my tears swelled in my eyes. I want God's vision. I want God's heart. I want God's best for me in all avenues of my life. I  thought back to college when I had actually wanted some of the lyrics tattooed on me, and it re-kindled that love for a tattoo reading "Be thou my vision" or "Thou and thou only be first in my heart". But that's a different blog post. 

But that's what I want and need: I need God to be first in my heart again. I need God to be my vision. 

Next instance of crying? The children's pastor at my church that I'm close friends with said she thought of me this morning and was "writing a card in [her] head to [me]". The general jist of it is that 1) she thinks I'm absolutely beautiful and an amazing person, and 2) God is still good and I have a special season in my singledom. And she brought up a brilliant point: every lesson I learn currently isn't just for me, but it's for everyone around me in my life: for the kids I minister to, for my future husband... I need to take certain things in stride as I keep preparing myself for my future husband. 

 I'm trying out a new young adult group at another church (while still going to/volunteering at my home church) and tonight the pastor was speaking on idolatry and how all of our problems have a root of idolatry. Basically there's a parable in the Bible about a guy who's too successful so to accommodate all his crap he wants to tear down his original barn and build a bigger/shinier one. He was focused on his wealth. The moral of the story was: when you die what happens to this stuff? What does it benefit you? Well the pastor turned it around on us- what's our "barn"? What do we focus on? And he brought up examples as any learned pastor does, and one of them was "Oh if I just get married that'll solve all my problems." How is it that in a 9 hour time span at 2 different churches across town from each other they manage to have similar messages in different packaging? 

Bottom line all day for Redhead? Breathe. Be faithful in this. Prepare yourself for your future husband and your future YOU. At my home church, the pastor was talking about surrendering up finance, relationships, physical needs, etc. Again what did I hear? Breathe. Be faithful in this. The CP I was talking to earlier even said "well yeah but you can still acknowledge that it's hard when so many friends are getting married/pregnant." 

Honestly there are a few times this year when I've looked at myself and wondered "Who ARE you?!" I didn't used to be so worried about getting married or being in a relationship. I was just happy that God loved me enough to get me out of the last one. And that he'd made a promise that I held onto with a rigor mortis death grip. But as my other friend pointed out earlier- it's amazing how much your sweater falls apart when the main thread is pulled out. I've felt that way for a few months now: just kind of floating along doing my own thing, not paying any mind to God. And I've seen myself without Him and I don't like it or who I become or my apathy. It's all so... blah! I want God's warmth and passion back in my life! And I think it's coming, slowly but surely...

Don't get me wrong please! I'm *so* unbelievably happy for my friends that are starting a new life together soon. It's just difficult when you've been attempting to wait patiently for almost 5 years with just a string of ridiculous date stories to show yet people around you come in from out of town and meet someone within 2 minutes of being here. I'm honored to be part of a couple of weddings, and I'm excited to go to a few others. But it's difficult helping one person plan an engagement and planning another's baby shower when there's a part of you that physically aches for what they have. 

Pray for me, will you friends?

-Redhead