Life, Love, and Divorce

At the end of swing from my 25th birthday.

I've been mulling this post over for a few weeks now.... Thinking of ways to word things, pondering how to say things without seeming like a jerk (because that's not my intent!), and just really trying to figure out what the crap I'm even trying to say.

I just turned 25 on Friday, and the weekend so far has been an amazing amalgamation of laughter, a few tears, dancing, and yes, a pinata. I feel like at 25 there are currently 2 thoughts bouncing around in my brain: "Man, I'm so young but I finally feel like I might actually be growing up" and "Dang, why the crap am I still single?" True story. But then I get on Facebook, and I see Yahoo news, and I see "The Big D".

Divorce.

I get on Facebook and there are a handful of women that either I once knew from church, or knew from college, and they've already experienced the heartache of divorce. These aren't women with grown children who's husbands left them for a younger model (I'm assuming)- these are girls my age. Please please please, whoever lays eyes on this post, don't read this as judgment or condemnation- it's neither. Or any other negative word you could attach to my writing. It's really just confusion and sadness. These are women I know who are beautiful and smart and love God and just great people, so how did it happen? Did someone in the marriage not love the other enough? Was their infidelity? Was it a mistake from the beginning? ...Was their abuse, physical or emotional?  My heart hurts for these girls.

Yes, I get tired of being single sometimes, but I thank God that I haven't had to hire a lawyer to figure out how to sign a thick document declaring who gets the couch.  I want so much happiness for these girls I know, yet they've seen a heartache I can't even begin to comprehend. My chest tightens and tears well up in my eyes at the thought of a marriage I don't even have crumbling. How do you survive it? How do you comprehend it? Now, in cases of abuse, I'm sure there is some relief to be out of the situation. But what if you wanted it to work? What if you said yes while they said "maybe"?

Because this is my blog and I don't think there are people who read it, I take free reign in being as [naively] honest as I want on here. There is someone I like. But, I caught my heart yearning for something, anything from him really. And I don't mean anything in a physical manner, but maybe just a sly glance, or an extra smile- something that would be a little glimmer of the hope I have some days. And in that moment there was a small voice that I haven't heard in what seems forever that said "Just be patient."

This isn't saying that it was "Be patient for this person to ask you out." This was a "just be patient until MY plans come to fruition." It was yet another reminder from my Abba that I don't get control. My plans don't matter. Now, it's not that God's heartless. It's that He already has a plan that I'm in the midst of living out, and I just don't know the next big steps. And while it's frustrating at times, and lonely at others, I know that it does have a happy ending. And the happy ending isn't my marriage to "the man of my dreams", the happy ending is knowing that someday I'll stand before God and [hopefully] hear "Well done my girl."

I want to be married. I want to move forward in that part of my life. I want kids before I'm 30 (which now seems a lot closer given recent celebrations). But more than all those things I want to follow God. I want to know Him more. I want to live the fullest life with God that I can't even fathom. And in the sake of transparency, I'll even say that as I type this tears are just rolling down my face. I know good things are coming my way and if I'm just patient a little longer, it will be the most rewarding and satisfying thing ever. For years I've prayed that God would give me a great love story- something I'd be proud to tell my kids and friends. And I think I'm living that. I think any tear, every smile, every ridiculous date is all part of this amazing love story where I have yet to meet the other lead player.

How do I know all this? Because God told me in 2006 that if I were to end the current relationship, he'd bring someone so much better. And while I was afraid of being "alone" and having to start all over in the dating scene, I have gone on dates. I have had admirers. This isn't to brag, but I really believe it's been God's way of showing me that I am desirable to men, despite what I think of myself sometimes and my positivity that upon singledom in 2007 I would be a spinster until I breathed my last breath. I received an e-mail from a dear friend this morning that actually moved me to tears. Since I'm not using her name, I'll assume her anonymity and post the tear-inducing part below:

"I know you are discouraged and desiring for the day when your heart's cry is answered by the one man who will be yours.  I believe it will happen, and I strongly believe that your love story will be nothing short of amazing.  For now, until that day comes, let God be your love story.  Let him saturate your life with continued love and blessings.  Let him continue to make you smile with rainbows, sunrises and music. Let him pursue you through friendships, noisy and quiet times and random unexpected things.  You are precious to him, his ruby.  He knows your heart, and he knows it hurts to wait.  Be sure something far greater than you can imagine is coming at his time.  Continue to learn, grow, love, live and strive for more of God in your life."


And because I'm still too honest on here, I'm moved to tears again. These are words that couldn't have more timely arrived in my inbox this morning, as last night I was again wishing for things that aren't meant to be just yet.

My time will come. And because in my life I made a choice to listen to God in 2006, I know I won't have to sign a thick bundle of papers which will end something so precious that should be treasured.* I know I'll never have to question again like I did before. I know that my friends won't wonder about my choice in partner again, and they won't resent me asking them to be a part of my day. I know that one day I'll wear the lovely dress and make the long walk towards The Man, not A Man. My marriage someday will last longer than 72 days and will honor God because it was an event years in the making.

Abba... Help me to be patient. Pursue me, and I'll let you worry about who He is. 

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Matthew 19:4-6

*Please please please hear me when I say this, I'm not saying that people who love Jesus don't get divorced. I'm not saying that you don't love Jesus if you do get divorced. I don't know God's reasoning, I don't know His plans, none of it. But I know that He loves all of us at all times, through all things.