I feel like this past week has been one of revelation on multiple levels. Spiritually, emotionally, in my work life, and in relationships.
I realized this past week that all of 2011 I spent the entire year being bitter about being single. The.entire.year. And for what? What did it get me? If anything it isolated me from certain group outings because I didn't want to be "the awkward X wheel". But did any of my married/dating friends ever see me as that way? I've never explicitly asked them, but I highly doubt I was an "untouchable" because they were in relationships. I made myself that. To myself. Did I go on any dates last year? Nope. And given dating's never been a big part of my life anyway (as in I can count on 1 hand how many dates I've been on. Ever.), it wasn't that big of a deal. And I know that I have a promise from God that I'll get married. Sooo, why the bitterness? Why waste a whole year on something that didn't deserve it? A whole year!! I actually can't comprehend how I spent a whole year wishing for more than I had. But it just happened. It started small with not wanting to go out with couples, and kept going from there. What an awful, and incredibly lonely downward spiral... I spent times crying and yelling at God wondering what more I could do. And really just because I was having a year doesn't mean God was punishing me by keeping me single. It means it just wasn't the time.
And that's ok.
I am beautiful. I am funny. I have friends and family that love me. I love kids. I have a heart for people. I want to be in ministry, whether I'm paid or not. I have a lot to offer a man someday, and I know when the time is right, he will love and value all of that about me. And we'll complete each other. And you know what?
It's going to be awesome.
Spiritually I know I spent the last few months of 2011 in a rut. I wasn't reading my Bible, I wasn't praying, I wasn't really pursuing God. I was just kind of going about the motions. And since I realized all this, I've decided 2012 was going to be my Renaissance. Which funny enough, my middle name is Renee, so I could probably make a lame/vaguely witty comment about it being a "Renee"ssance. Har har. I promise I'm usually a little funnier than that. But just a little.
I've been reading my Bible daily thanks to this website. It's a one year Bible plan. And I've read every day even if I had to read 2 days in 1 occasionally. But overall, spiritually, I feel like I'm doing so much better. What was once a heavy shroud of sadness has been replaced by a sense of hope and the joy that I know God's given me.
Lastly... Life. I know, I know. I've been going on for a few paragraphs of things involving life, so what else could there be? At work yesterday I had an impromptu 45 minute meeting with one of my bosses. It was a meeting I never thought would happen. It was a meeting about my attendance/dedication/work performance.
What is going on?? That's not me. I'm reliable. I'm timely. I'm dedicated.
Right??
I'm ashamed to say that hasn't been the case the last few months. But really was I surprised by anything my boss said?? Did I find myself agreeing with everything she said? Did I find myself nodding and then suddenly in tears because of the painful truths? With the fall of my spirituality, the bitterness, and just general funk I've found myself in, my work performance has suffered. I've taken more sick leave because I just didn't feel like I could get out of bed. I've been legitimately more sick because my sleeping has been inconsistent.
And all of that has created this Redhead before you that I [and my bosses] don't seem to know: lazy, inconsistent, semi-unreliable with catching details... I've surfed the web more than I've worked in a day. I've spent more time at friend's desks than at my own. And I found myself in tears talking to my boss telling her that I feel like I'm in a quarter-life-crisis. I don't know if that's a thing, but for this girl, it is.
My whole life I've looked forward to the next thing: high school, college, graduations, internships... There's always been a "next thing". And now?? There's nothing. I have nothing in the foreseeable future that's a big change. I moved to/from college every year and then finally home. Then again in 2011 with my roommates. But I've been in the same job, pretty much the same place, since September of 2010. It's not that long, but when you're used to constantly moving/changing things, it's rough.
It can leave you feeling really, really unsatisfied. Which is where I am. I'm not teaching a class anymore, I'm not taking a class... I'm not really doing anything outside of my job. I go to work, then come home and do whatever. I'm finding myself becoming a homebody. That's not who I am. I need to be busy, I need to do stuff. I need to be involved. I'm not in a small group, I don't really go to a young adult group anymore... What is there?
I'm not trying to complain [although to quote another song, "It's my [blog] and I'll cry if I want to".], but I think I can only get better and fix things if I fully understand what's wrong. If anything IS wrong. One of my roommates has a catalog of classes available in the area, and I am going to take classes. I'm going to take a photography class, I'm going to pick up sign language again, and hey I might even try a cooking class for fun. Or a painting class!
When I became single in 2007 my goal was to start doing things that I found interesting and made me seem more interesting. Because why not? Why not say that I can do X, Y, AND Z?? Who wouldn't want to have an array of things they can do/have done? I want to pick that back up. I need something to fill a void. I need to do stuff and to improve myself.
So. Friends, bear with me as I go through my "Renee-ssance" and re-ignite my fire that once was inside. Pray for me as I fix myself up.
Abba, help me to trust. And help me to be thankful more often.
-Redhead
One of the hardest parts about taking on adulthood after getting that valuable (or maybe not so valuable) piece of paper signing your life away to debt, is learning how to deal with a routine that is no longer varied by your college experience. This old geezer has had many of those little stuck in the muck moments, feelings or situations. I think you'll find it ironic that I had the same meeting with my boss when I was just a year older than you are now. Except in my case, they told me to go find something better to do as I was languishing where I was. Even as a homebody as I naturally am, I did find myself just surviving life and not really thriving in it when that happened. Best thing to happen is having someone recognize the signs and help you walk through them to a solution. (ie your boss, your friends etc). That motivation by people who care, really does help propel you to a sense of renaissance as you discover something new.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't easy living the single life, but think about it this way - you have way more free time to do all the fun stuff you want. Having said that, be encouraged that people love you no matter where you are in life. Ask when you need that motivation or just need to get out of the house. I'm sure someone will have an idea for an adventure.
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40