It's a slow fade...

After what I heard this morning, nausea aside, how could I ignore Jesus? Seriously? I've grown up in church, I know better than this crap. I feel a little prodigal-y. This is kind of unexpected... The song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns has been resonating within me the last few weeks. It HAS been a slow fade; and most certainly one I never saw coming in my life. Please don't get me wrong here, the song is clearly about adultery with a smattering of underage drinking (if you watch the music video, that is...)- that's not why it's been so present in the back of my brain. But what's caught me is the spiritual fade I've found myself caught in the last ~6 months or so. Now, to be fair, a lot of my strongest years spiritually were actually at college. This isn't difficult to believe when you know that I attended a small, conservative, private Christian college and had to go to chapel 5 days a week plus be involved in an off-campus church on the weekends. A relationship with God was the easiest thing in the world to maintain half the time*. But here in the "real world", while I've found my niche in the world so far, it's really difficult to maintain the relationship. I'm not constantly around other like-minded believers. I don't have the rules and regulations I did on campus. Believe me, I don't particularly miss the rules/regulations. At all.

I never wanted to end up here, spiritual speaking... It's a land of greys, compromises, and excuses. It's a place where I can't see myself yet I feel on display in regards to my behaviors, whether it's at church or at work. It's a place where there's little hope.

The fact that there's little hope though is my fault. It's not like God has ever abandoned me or left me to wallow in this world. He jumps in front of me and I get turned away by some distraction. He pursues me with obvious reminders and nudgings, hoping for a hint of affection from me, and I flitter the other way still distracted.

The redeeming part of this whole thing?

I see these mistakes.
I want God back.
I want to run and jump in front of Him.
I want to pursue Him in large and passionate ways.
I want to write love letters and spend time reading about Him.
I want to throw my arms around His neck and never let him out of my sight again.

"It's a slow fade, when you give yourself away. A slow fade, when black and white are turned to grey." 

I've found myself compromising on my standards in some regards (yet never on the boyfriend front and now I'm incredibly blessed/thankful for those standards!), such as things I'll say or ways I'll act in front of co-workers. I don't like that. That's not what I've been called to. That's not why God sent His only son down to be brutally crucified.

Father help me to run to you. Keep my eyes up and on Your face. I want to love and serve You all the days of my life. 

*That's a whole other blog post for a different time. I'm not saying people at Christian colleges don't struggle- I'm just saying it's a lot easier when you're in a community of believers and going to a church service of some flavor at a minimum of 6 days a week.

I don't own this song, yo.