Big surprise.

Things don't ever work out the way I want them to. In fact, sometimes I feel like I should stop planning things to happen because they don't come to fruition in the manner I would like them to. 

My original plan was to stay on campus this summer, work full-time, still help out at church, keep attending therapy, and live life merrily. However my credit card bill entered the picture.

Numbers started to crunch in front of my eyes.

And there it was:

Another failed plan.

Again, I don't know why I'm surprised. Things don't ever turn out the way I'd like them to in my life. Literally. I'm not saying it with regret, chagrin, or a want for sympathy- it's just how it is. I looked at some numbers, started adding some things up, and I realize it's fiscally more responsible for me to move home and work FT so I can save up money and pay off debts. 

I don't want to move back home.

Personally, I think it's ridiculous and stupid that a person spends 4-5 (or more) years living somewhere, developing relationships & a life, then said person has to up and leave. And if that person doesn't up and leave? They're scared to leave college. Granted that's a smidgen true in my case, but overall I just like it better here in PA than down in VA at this point. I have few friends at home (although the few I have are glorious) and I have a sense of independence living "on my own" (this is with full knowledge that I live in a little room, not a house, and still occasionally borrow $10 from the parents). I have a life here. I have roots here. I have a therapist for goodness sake! I haven't felt at home in VA in years. 

I want a huge bowl of ice cream, a big hug, and to cry for awhile. 

But that probably won't even work out. 

Circular concepts. . .

There's a job possibility that a pastor friend of mine brought up, and to be quite honest it scares the snot out of me. It's not even in this country, but I'm sparing details for the moment because it very well might not happen. Suffice to say though, it would be amazing beyond words if this were to become my job. 

I have a fear though- what if I went just because it's been in my top 3 places to go before I die instead of it being where God wants me to go? What if I want to go just for my own selfish regard? 

I was talking to PG yesterday about it and explaining my concern when he made a brilliant note... He asked if I knew the verse about God giving us the desires of our heart, and I said of course since I'm a 5th year bible student. He then said "well, what if God puts those desires within us so that we want them and he can give them to us? I think it's a circular concept." I had never thought about it like that before. I pretty much assume that since I want something I can't have it- that's just how my life goes. I'm not looking for pity, but that's just how my life goes. I wanted to be in Tucson for good and I can't, I want to fix myself financially yet I never can. . . It's just my life that I don't get what I want. I assumed that this job opportunity was no different. 

Maybe it is different.

Abba, help me to make wise decisions. Help me to seek Your will regularly and listen to Your voice. Thank You God for your faithfulness. <3

"Give all your concerns to the Lord, and He will keep you going; He'll never allow a life that's lived right to fall." Psalm 55:22

I hate when people joke about suicide.

Seriously.

Why would you joke about killing yourself?

Why would you jokingly put fingers to your head in a gesture of shooting yourself?

Why would you casually say "ugh it makes me want to kill myself" or "ugh well fine I'll just go kill myself"?

It's not ok. 

It's stupid. 

Ack.

Suddenly gone. .

I was watching an episode of House the other night and the opening scene was of a husband and wife. The husband was obviously on his death bed, and the wife stood nearby with tears in her eyes looking at her husband lovingly while he gasped for breath. He summoned her over and they were talking and tears just rolled off her face as she told him how much she loved him.

Fast forward 10 minutes:

I'll spare the details because it upsets me too much, but essentially one of the young doctors was found dead in his apartment: suicide by gunshot. I was doing OK watching it until the one doctor who found him was screaming at him to wake up and moved back into the frame covered in his blood, sobbing. 

Then I started to sob and almost hyperventilate, thinking of the loss of 2 friends who died in the same manner. 

It got me thinking. . . In the first scenario, how do you deal with losing someone you love like that? How do you handle watching your husband (or wife) whom you've pledged your undying love to slip away from you and there's nothing you can do? How can one come back from that emotionally? How does your heart heal? How do you even think of finding someone else to love? Do you find someone else to love? I almost wanted to cry for the wife, because I was looking and thinking of the path I've been on thus far with relationships, and to think that all that could eventually be in vain? Seriously? How do you fight with someone, love someone, share a life and countless memories with someone, and watch them suffer for however long then die? I just don't get it.

Scenario two. This one I relate a little more to because I've gone through this, twice. 

Part 1.

My sophomore year I was online and saw a blog with this simple entry: "RIP KATIE BEACH. KATIE BEACH IS DEAD." I made a call and the news was confirmed. The room started to spin. Nausea crept into my body like a cold drink. Anger surged through my veins. I stumbled out of my dorm room and walked outside, and felt twice as angry that the sky was so blue and the weather so warm and Katie was so gone. It felt like I walked in a daze for the next 2 days. I couldn't go home because my job wouldn't let me leave since she "wasn't family." My grandfather died 3 weeks prior and I had taken 9 days off for that. I'm still angry about it.

Part 2.

Fall semester of my super senior year. I get on my facebook and see a wallpost from a friend that says "poor chris." I'm confused about what even though I know which Chris the friend was referring to- we only have 1 mutual friend named Chris. I post back on his wall saying "poor chris? what happened to him?" A few days later I got an e-mail saying how he was sorry to tell me online, but Chris shot himself in the head last monday. Tears came so quickly it scared me. My breath shortened and I couldn't breathe. I stood up to find somewhere to go, and I grabbed my cell phone and stumbled out of my building toward the back parking lot. Tears were streaming and my breath was still ragged and my legs literally gave out under me just before the bench next to the sidewalk. I lurched forward and sobbed so hard I almost threw up. In fact I gagged a bit. A friend of mine saw me stumble out of the lounge and came over and threw her arms around me and held me and let me scream and cry, all the while muttering "Why God, not Chris." The facts were confirmed later. I've still never found an obituary for my dear friend Chris. 

Now I need to stop typing all this because the tears are about to start flowing again. I was closer to Chris than I was with Katie, and on a weekly basis I'm reminded of my amazing, Chinese food-eating, purple-haired, oboe playing friend. God almighty do I want him back. I wish so badly I had kept up with him more because I have a survivor's guilt in that maybe I could have done something to help him. 

Part 3.

How have I survived? I've experienced such deep loss with friends that it's almost made me vomit. But for the grace of God. If it weren't for Jesus I swear I might have given up on life myself a few times. Maybe that's the key to surviving the death of a spouse. But God. 

My God, I thank you that You've never let me give up. I thank you that You've never given up on me. I pray that You'll give me strength to keep going even when I feel like I'm about to fall apart. Amen.