Suddenly gone. .

I was watching an episode of House the other night and the opening scene was of a husband and wife. The husband was obviously on his death bed, and the wife stood nearby with tears in her eyes looking at her husband lovingly while he gasped for breath. He summoned her over and they were talking and tears just rolled off her face as she told him how much she loved him.

Fast forward 10 minutes:

I'll spare the details because it upsets me too much, but essentially one of the young doctors was found dead in his apartment: suicide by gunshot. I was doing OK watching it until the one doctor who found him was screaming at him to wake up and moved back into the frame covered in his blood, sobbing. 

Then I started to sob and almost hyperventilate, thinking of the loss of 2 friends who died in the same manner. 

It got me thinking. . . In the first scenario, how do you deal with losing someone you love like that? How do you handle watching your husband (or wife) whom you've pledged your undying love to slip away from you and there's nothing you can do? How can one come back from that emotionally? How does your heart heal? How do you even think of finding someone else to love? Do you find someone else to love? I almost wanted to cry for the wife, because I was looking and thinking of the path I've been on thus far with relationships, and to think that all that could eventually be in vain? Seriously? How do you fight with someone, love someone, share a life and countless memories with someone, and watch them suffer for however long then die? I just don't get it.

Scenario two. This one I relate a little more to because I've gone through this, twice. 

Part 1.

My sophomore year I was online and saw a blog with this simple entry: "RIP KATIE BEACH. KATIE BEACH IS DEAD." I made a call and the news was confirmed. The room started to spin. Nausea crept into my body like a cold drink. Anger surged through my veins. I stumbled out of my dorm room and walked outside, and felt twice as angry that the sky was so blue and the weather so warm and Katie was so gone. It felt like I walked in a daze for the next 2 days. I couldn't go home because my job wouldn't let me leave since she "wasn't family." My grandfather died 3 weeks prior and I had taken 9 days off for that. I'm still angry about it.

Part 2.

Fall semester of my super senior year. I get on my facebook and see a wallpost from a friend that says "poor chris." I'm confused about what even though I know which Chris the friend was referring to- we only have 1 mutual friend named Chris. I post back on his wall saying "poor chris? what happened to him?" A few days later I got an e-mail saying how he was sorry to tell me online, but Chris shot himself in the head last monday. Tears came so quickly it scared me. My breath shortened and I couldn't breathe. I stood up to find somewhere to go, and I grabbed my cell phone and stumbled out of my building toward the back parking lot. Tears were streaming and my breath was still ragged and my legs literally gave out under me just before the bench next to the sidewalk. I lurched forward and sobbed so hard I almost threw up. In fact I gagged a bit. A friend of mine saw me stumble out of the lounge and came over and threw her arms around me and held me and let me scream and cry, all the while muttering "Why God, not Chris." The facts were confirmed later. I've still never found an obituary for my dear friend Chris. 

Now I need to stop typing all this because the tears are about to start flowing again. I was closer to Chris than I was with Katie, and on a weekly basis I'm reminded of my amazing, Chinese food-eating, purple-haired, oboe playing friend. God almighty do I want him back. I wish so badly I had kept up with him more because I have a survivor's guilt in that maybe I could have done something to help him. 

Part 3.

How have I survived? I've experienced such deep loss with friends that it's almost made me vomit. But for the grace of God. If it weren't for Jesus I swear I might have given up on life myself a few times. Maybe that's the key to surviving the death of a spouse. But God. 

My God, I thank you that You've never let me give up. I thank you that You've never given up on me. I pray that You'll give me strength to keep going even when I feel like I'm about to fall apart. Amen.