Enemies made of porcelain and glass.

It's not what you think.

In fact I can guarantee it's not what you think.

You wouldn't possibly foresee that the heroine's greatest foe was indeed a simple mirror and. . . a toilet. You wouldn't dare imagine that the heroine was terrified to be alone by herself in her darkest moments because of the fear of what she would do to herself. 

You wouldn't imagine that I, just a redhead, used to be the mirror&toilet-fearing redhead. 

I'm 22 years old, and my fear of a toilet goes back about 6 (almost 7) years when I was turning 16. My fear of a mirror stems back for as long as I can remember. In fact, those who know me would have a hard time understanding that at a point in my life I had a hard time smiling because I wasn't sure I knew how to. I was probably 14 then. 

I remember it vividly: I was 15 years old, sitting on our hand-me-down couch downstairs watching TV and one of those lifetime movies about bulimia came on. It has Calista Flockhart on it, who at the time was going through a lot of public skepticism if she actually had an eating disorder, so there was a slight bit of irony about her portrayal of this woman in the movie. I remember watching her and her best friend in college binge eat, throw it all up in the bathroom, then working out obsessively. Her friend died. I sat there staring and while I felt some sort of sadness for them I also felt a sense of relief. My thought literally was: ". . . does that really work? Could I really lose weight quickly doing that?" I tried it later that day.

I didn't stop trying on a daily (nee, hourly) basis until about 6 months ago. I didn't understand that that lifetime movie would pretty much crack through my fragile self-esteem and shine a light that I saw as hope but was actually going to quickly turn to pain and destruction. 

I'll spare my readers (if any) the gory details, but suffice to say it escalated quickly, I lost about 30 lbs in 2 months, and I was up to purging 11 times a day. It was a sickness. I was pleased with the results I was seeing, and I loved the compliments I was getting, plus my new boyfriend at the time didn't seem to be bothered by my "new diet".  

I was 16 years old when I thought about running my car off the road out of sheer hatred for myself. No matter what I did I was still the heaviest girl around, which of course meant I was the ugliest, which of course meant I was repulsive and worthless. I would never do anything in my life worth anything (despite being called to children's ministries recently) and no one would care if I was gone. I was nothing. 

I read through what I just typed and my heart just breaks. I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I type and I say that because it's literally the grace of God that saved me. My heart hurts for that girl I used to be. I tried so hard to make things better myself- I got a Christian boyfriend at a Christian college, and it turns out I ended up compromising myself with him and crossing so many boundaries. My depression was out of control. I would spend days in my room wishing God would just kill me because I couldn't do it myself. 

This isn't to get sympathy from anyone. This isn't to get "awww poor girl" from anyone, and it's not to make anyone feel like they need to treat me differently. It's so people understand me a little better. It's so people see how amazing God is. Actually it's all so people see how deep God's love really is for us. The fact that I kept shunning God for years and he still pursued me? How does one ignore that? How can you still want to die when the creator of the universe already died for you?

God told me to get out that compromising relationship when I was 20. I thought we were going to get married, and God had other ideas apparently. 

A day doesn't go by that I don't thank God for that. 

When I was "alone" (in the martial sense) I had to find myself and what she was like at 20 years old. I knew the me that had a boyfriend, but I wasn't sure who I was without one. I started dating him 3 months into college and being in my 3rd year of college, that's a lot of development that happened there. I look back on myself at 20 and look at myself now at 22, being single for almost 2 years (March 11th!!) and I want to cry again. God has been so amazing. My heart literally twitterpates at the thought of how different I am because of God. 

Biggest shocker? 

I love myself. I genuinely like myself. I see a worth in myself that I didn't know was there before. I haven't thrown up once in 2009 and prior to that I had thrown up 3 times since June. I'm not perfect. I'm growing. I'm changing on a daily basis. I fall and I trip and I bleed and I want to give up but the second my head starts to fall, God grabs my face and tilts it upward back to the proper point of focus. My God is bigger than my problems. He is bigger than bulimia, bigger than sexual sins, bigger than depression. My God has saved me and redeemed me in a way that I truly never thought was possible. In chapel at school sometimes I'll just stand there and weep because of God's love for me and how much He's done for me when I don't deserve it. 

I deserve nothing, yet He's given me everything. In myself I fail miserably, but in Him I'm victorious. To myself and the mirror there's imperfection, but to my God, my Abba, I'm His beautiful girl: His masterpiece creation. My tears flow at this moment as a woman that's completely broken and in love with God and so grateful for the best friend and love she could ever experience. 

"Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, who have confidence in Him and because of Him." Jeremiah 17:7

To my best friend.

I don't say it enough. I don't tell people enough. I don't tell her enough. I have a best friend that means the world to me. She's funny, sweet, caring, passionate, adventurous, beautiful inside and out, and probably the most Godly person I know. 

She's literally like a sister to me. We've been friends for about 2 years and she's seen me through a nasty break-up, countless disappointments, countless happy things, joyous occasions, missions trips, and drama that rivals that of a day-time soap opera. 

She's the first person to step up for someone when something's wrong. She's the first to say something nice or invite someone to sit with us. She's the first to give someone a second chance, and possibly a 3rd or 4th. She's the first to pray for you and try to build you up in some way. She's counseled me in countless ways and let me cry on her and she's just sat there, being my best friend, silently praying, then giving me a hug and letting me cry. 

She's one of my best friends. I really couldn't do without her. She happies my heart with her loud and boisterous giggle, kind words, and loving heart. 

She's a woman that may not know it, but I look up to her. I aspire to the level of Godliness she's at and to the humility she possesses. She's a woman after God's own heart and is always willing to pour out God's love onto others. 

She's my best friend and I love her to pieces. 

Prince Caspian

I'd never seen the movie "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." They played it in our theater at school and I thought it would be a fun night out with friends. 

I joke around with one of my girl friends about how she always has "God moments" during movies, yet I seem to leave with nothing more than the typical cinematic experience. However God apparently had something different planned for Prince Caspian. In fact, 2 occasions- possibly to make up for lost time. 

#1- Little Lucy is talking to Aslan, and he says something to the affect of: "Why didn't you follow me?" and she responds with "Because i was afraid to go alone." At that moment I felt God say "don't be afraid to go alone." My mouth dropped open in shock and thoughts began to swirl in my brain. Mostly to the tune of "Wait what?!" I can only assume it has to do with graduation. I know it's not marriage because God's already promised me that I would have kids and that my future husband is out there. But I didn't think I was scared of going alone from graduation. Although after hearing that it makes me think that maybe I was- maybe that's why my heart was so heavily vested into going to Tucson. I had a family type out there with the Lands, and a roommate/friend with Sarah. Plus a few others that I call friend. It makes me wonder how the next couple of months are going to progress. Honestly I'm not too concerned about my singledom now, so I can't fathom that's an issue. I would love to be with someone, but I'm content with just me and Jesus. Seriously- it's a good place to be for now. I don't know that I could be in a relationship and trying to plan post-grad now. Too stressful! 

#2- Prince Caspian says he doesn't think he's ready to be a king of Narnia, and Aslan says "It is for that very reason, that I know you are." This one was a much needed smack in the face. I've always kind of doubted my ability to be a pastor. I've never doubted my love/passion for kids, and my desire to help, but I've seriously doubted my "talent" in being a pastor. I again am stuck wondering if maybe Bible college has ruined that for me solely because there's always someone better and flashier. However, someone even poured into me the other day telling me how qualified I am, and building me up in that respect when I still don't feel I deserve it. Last semester one of my mentors even said "Anyone that's worth their spit doesn't think they're good enough."

Am I honestly good enough? What is good enough? Do I have it? I mean apparently so, since God's called me to this job, but what's it look like? If I have a skewed perception of my "talent" where I think it's a lack thereof, what does that say about anyone else? Is my view skewed of others as well? I don't know. I don't think so. I do know that I'm terrified of failing and I'm terrified of not being effective enough in the ministry and kids missing out. I know this is where prayer/fasting/seeking counsel come in, but it's still stressful.

I've decided this whole week I'm not thinking about post-grad. I could very well make myself physically ill from thinking/stressing about it too much. God's timing is God's timing. I don't know what it is, why it is, or anything. I have to just trust even though it's so hard. And tedious.

"Give all your cares to God, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 (The Message)

Can I have my cake and eat it too?

It's an expression we hear all the time and use usually to crush the dreams or bring a more serious rationale to a potentially goofy idea. I actually have 3 cakes. All of which are not in my home state; 1 is in Arizona, 1 is in Minnesota; and the 3rd is.... not entirely sure just yet.

I know which "cakes" I -desperately- want, and which "cake" I should probably take. However the more I've thought and the more I've used my rationale, the more I've realized I can potentially have my cakes AND eat them. This is a glorious realization that I could, for once, actually have what I want. In my life it always seems that despite something being seemingly easy, there's always speed bumps and it doesn't turn out the way it was supposed to. I'm not kidding; I wish I was. Things rarely go exactly according to plan.

I essentially have figured a way to conjoin 2 of the cakes and have what I want. Such a revelation has made me turn red with delight and glee. I haven't talked to the appropriate people to make sure such a thing is possible, but the idea that 2 things I want the most could actually come true? My heart twitters and giggles at the possibility. I want to laugh and cry and rejoice.

However the part of me that knows how things usually go in my life is skeptical; I don't want to get my hopes up even though they're already ridiculously high. I don't want to start to make plans and accommodations for these hopes and my cakes go tumbling to the ground. I'm begging and pleading that God will open doors for things to happen.

So now I beg the question: "Can I have my cake and eat it too?"

"Our hearts will be happy in God, because we trust in His holy name." - Psalm 33:21

Don't judge me!

"Don't judge me!" It's one of those phrases we've started saying as a joke, that I often wonder how serious we actually are. Honestly I can say there are times when I legitimately am thinking "No, please, for real- don't judge me."
I got to thinking about it that this is one of those things people as a whole crave- not to be judged. Even as young as elementary age, we worry about being judged. We worry that our trapper keeper doesn't have the right stickers on it, and that our book bag isn't as cool as the mass says it should be. It only gets worse the older we are, because things become more expensive to compete with- the coolest car, iPod, surround sound, cell phone, clothes, whatever. High schoolers are especially bad because most of the time they're not paying for whatever thing it is, and they feel more entitled as the "young and the beautiful". I can say this as a person who wasn't in the popular crowd in high school, so I know how it looks. I can also say it as a woman who's matured enough to not hold bitterness against people from my high school. Again, don't get me wrong- I've been known to judge. But I'm human just like everyone else, so I can't help it any more than the next 22 year old.
I feel like people are always hoping that what they do will get the "right" judgement from their peers, be it co-workers or classmates. I think I finally got to the point where overall I don't care what other people are thinking about me. I've found my validation in God and my identity in God. I know He is the one who will eventually judge me, so why should I bother trying to impress anyone but him?

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:1-5

God is bigger.

I'm graduating college in May. I didn't realize until probably 3 weeks ago that I have no idea what I'm doing once I graduate. Being this is my 5th year in college, I've watched dozens of acquaintances and friends graduate and some of them saying "I have no idea what I'm doing when I graduate" and I honestly never thought I would be one of them.
God called me to children's ministries, I'm getting licensed to preach this coming semester, so I think I always assumed I would just have something plop in my lap. Now, thankfully my friend Cortney is more rational/logical than I am most of the time, and in the midst of my freak out she said "Why are you freaking out so much? You don't graduate until May. That's almost half a year away. A lot can happen in almost half a year." I'm still grateful to her for those immaculate words 3 weeks ago. I'm still worried. I'm still nervous, but a lot can change. I was offered 4 internships in 4 seperate states within a couple of weeks. 3 years ago God gave me $600 in 2 days for my missions trip to Mexico. Just under 2 years ago God got out me out an unhealthy relationship and saved each of us from making a big mistake. And now I think He can't give me a plan for post-graduation?
Silly silly me. . .
Granted it's not just being concerned about a job. Who said I'll go straight into ministry once I graduate? Should I get my masters degree in something? I do want to eventually, but do I want to now? And if that's the case, what do I get it in? Or do I want to go to a school of sorts and get my sign language interpreter's license? I mean I've loved sign language since I was in 5th grade, I've taken classes at NOVA community college and I still love it. I would even love to work with deaf kids. So now I'm stuck in an awkward limbo. I don't know what to get my master's in, unless I get it in Christian Leadership or get my M. Div. or Christian Counseling... I kinda want the Christian Counseling. I think that would be good to have if I'm working with kids and families.
This woman did a sign language interpretation to a song that was sung in church yesterday, and I had tears in my eyes watching and something in my heart said "I want that." I really truly want to do sign language.
Did I just figure out what I'm going to do?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

How do you meet people?

Seriously. How does society expect you to meet someone without going online to some dating website or going to a club/bar of some sort?

College/school. . . Tons of people of different backgrounds, ethnicities, shapes, sizes. . . There should be someone there to meet? Well. what do you do if there isn't? What if you've been there, had a relationship of some sort of length, maybe even gone on a few dates, and you graduate still single? What do you do then? Granted this is the place I currently find myself sitting in this place, but I'm OK with that. Seriously, I am.

Work. . . Well. If you're like me and you work in a women's clothing store, typically the only men you'll meet are the husbands/boyfriends of your customers. Now if you work somewhere where there is a more balanced ratio of men to women, then you might have better luck. . . But what if you don't? What do you do then? Do you wait for the random guy to walk in with a couple of friends to the women's clothing store you work in, and chat you up then ask for your myspace? (Which that happened to me last night. . .)

Church? Well sure- church seems like a good place for a Christian girl soon to be credentialed as a pastor. What if you've grown up in that church though and seem to know most of the people your age and the one's you don't know you aren't very interested in?

I'm honestly not saying/endorsing/condemning online dating sites or going to single's events or anything like that, but where do you meet people? It's awkward and uncomfortable to try to walk up to a random stranger and generate a relationship out of thin air. I think some guy tried it last night at work by talking to me about random things, which was fine and he seems like a nice enough guy to be friends with. If I was remotely attracted to him that might have worked better. . . Ah well. It just made me think though, how lucky the people that meet someone in one of the aforementioned places is. I'm not speaking with any sort of bitterness or resentment or anger, it's just something I've been thinking about.

Plus hey, it means I'll have quite the splendid story of where/when I meet my future husband. And we all know that I'm all about a good story! =D