Prince Caspian

I'd never seen the movie "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." They played it in our theater at school and I thought it would be a fun night out with friends. 

I joke around with one of my girl friends about how she always has "God moments" during movies, yet I seem to leave with nothing more than the typical cinematic experience. However God apparently had something different planned for Prince Caspian. In fact, 2 occasions- possibly to make up for lost time. 

#1- Little Lucy is talking to Aslan, and he says something to the affect of: "Why didn't you follow me?" and she responds with "Because i was afraid to go alone." At that moment I felt God say "don't be afraid to go alone." My mouth dropped open in shock and thoughts began to swirl in my brain. Mostly to the tune of "Wait what?!" I can only assume it has to do with graduation. I know it's not marriage because God's already promised me that I would have kids and that my future husband is out there. But I didn't think I was scared of going alone from graduation. Although after hearing that it makes me think that maybe I was- maybe that's why my heart was so heavily vested into going to Tucson. I had a family type out there with the Lands, and a roommate/friend with Sarah. Plus a few others that I call friend. It makes me wonder how the next couple of months are going to progress. Honestly I'm not too concerned about my singledom now, so I can't fathom that's an issue. I would love to be with someone, but I'm content with just me and Jesus. Seriously- it's a good place to be for now. I don't know that I could be in a relationship and trying to plan post-grad now. Too stressful! 

#2- Prince Caspian says he doesn't think he's ready to be a king of Narnia, and Aslan says "It is for that very reason, that I know you are." This one was a much needed smack in the face. I've always kind of doubted my ability to be a pastor. I've never doubted my love/passion for kids, and my desire to help, but I've seriously doubted my "talent" in being a pastor. I again am stuck wondering if maybe Bible college has ruined that for me solely because there's always someone better and flashier. However, someone even poured into me the other day telling me how qualified I am, and building me up in that respect when I still don't feel I deserve it. Last semester one of my mentors even said "Anyone that's worth their spit doesn't think they're good enough."

Am I honestly good enough? What is good enough? Do I have it? I mean apparently so, since God's called me to this job, but what's it look like? If I have a skewed perception of my "talent" where I think it's a lack thereof, what does that say about anyone else? Is my view skewed of others as well? I don't know. I don't think so. I do know that I'm terrified of failing and I'm terrified of not being effective enough in the ministry and kids missing out. I know this is where prayer/fasting/seeking counsel come in, but it's still stressful.

I've decided this whole week I'm not thinking about post-grad. I could very well make myself physically ill from thinking/stressing about it too much. God's timing is God's timing. I don't know what it is, why it is, or anything. I have to just trust even though it's so hard. And tedious.

"Give all your cares to God, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 (The Message)