I was sitting in the commons of my college today reflecting on my time here at school. I'm a 5th senior, affectionately known as a "super senior" and I realized something: this college really has been good to me. I've grown exponentially here, I've been Homecoming queen, I've been in multiple positions of leadership, I've been recognized for my leadership qualities, and in general my life has been poured into by multiple people. I was sitting pondering all off this and I realized I wish I could go back 5 years and tell 17 year old freshman Redhead some important things about what was to come. So, here's my letter to 17 year old Redhead. .

17 year old redhead

Dearest little girl,
Take time to enjoy life. Take time to enjoy your time here. It's going to be over before you know it, and I promise you're rolling your eyes and nodding your head in agreement to appease me, but believe me. It's gone in an instant. Put off dating as long as you can- you might save yourself a lot of trouble. However if you don't, don't regret the time spent with that young man. Take every mistake as an opportunity to learn and grow from it. Next time you won't make the same mistake- I can guarantee it. Make wise choices. Laugh a lot with your friends. Take more pictures than anyone will ever deem necessary. Tell people you care about what you think about them. Take time pouring out the blessings poured into you. You can do this. Any crisis that comes your way won't destroy you- it's just another opportunity to build you up and be a life lesson.
I love you my friend. Don't forget it.
Super senior, 22 yr old Redhead.

22 year old redhead

Don't forget!

I've been on a kick lately of something that's a bit old-fashioned that not a lot of people do anymore. Now don't judge me for my confession that's about to pop up, and don't be too scared. I'm not crazy or anything, but I'm finding it's something I actually really enjoy. . . 

Reading the Bible.

I know! I know! Who reads the Bible anymore? Well ok we use chunks and pieces for our sermons, but who legitimately sits down and enjoys reading it these days? Especially when we live in a culture that doesn't have time to enjoy it. We're busy people! Busy busy busy! 

But I read something that really struck a chord in the 40 minutes I read my Bible for fun. . . I was reading in Joshua and on the side of my Bible was a little devotional about a passage in the book, and it was talking about the Israelites leaving stones or memorials so that people wouldn't ever forget what God had done in that place. In this case it was them crossing the Jordan River. They took 12 stones and piled them up so people would always look at that and remember the miracle of crossing a river that was 10-12 feet deep in flood season! 

Then I realized, how do I remember what God's done in my life? Do I remember what God's done in my life? I mean sure I remember the big things like my financial debt being taken care of, or huge movements in my life, but do I remember the little words of affirmation or believing that God placed on me? I have a prayer journal that I've been keeping fairly active for a couple of years, and I try to write down all the words I get in there but some times I feel like I forget them before I can write them down. I want to make a point to never forget what God has done. 

And also, I'm *really* glad God responded when I asked for a renewed passion for the Bible. I was sick of being complacent in my walk, and I told God to "rock the boat" so to speak. But specifically, to start with me having a renewed love for reading the Bible. I'm "too busy" and have "too much to do" and "not enough time" to read it most of the time. I asked God to help me find time. I'm glad He answered. ;) 

Father help me to never forget how powerful You are and how faithful You are on a daily basis in my life. Please don't let me become complacent with mediocrity. Amen.

"He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God." Joshua 4:24

Faith the size of a mustard seed

How much do I really believe in what I pray?

I mean I constantly ask God for things I want answered or for miracles to be done in my life or someone else's life, but do I really believe it can happen?

Do I really believe that God will do something?

I've been praying for my daddy to get saved for years, and I've always legitimately wanted him to get saved, but did I really think God would save him? Or did I think my dad would magically become Christian of his own volition?

This past semester I really started believing it; I started being more aggressive with my prayer requests. I started actively telling God that I was going to believe Him and have faith in His promises. Countless times we read in the Bible how God is faithful and can do anything, yet will He really move if we don't believe He will? Now with my prayers I actively tell God that I do have faith in Him and I do believe that He's going to move. I tell him on a regular basis that I'm expecting Him to move because 1) He's told me before that if I go expecting Him to move, He will, and 2) I deserve it. As His daughter I deserve it, and that applies for everyone. 

Things I'm believing my Abba for:

Salvation for my dad

Healing of my knee

Plans to happen for graduation

His will be revealed to me daily

A renewed sense of passion on a daily basis

All I need is the faith of a mustard seed. That's not too much to ask, so why do I act like it's so much to give?

Abba thank you for staying faithful to me when I'm so unfaithful to you. I'm expecting you to move and re-ignite this fire in me, and God I'll even take this first step to show I'm committed. I'm believing in you Abba, and I know you won't let me down. 

"He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

Blessings Abound.

Blue carpet.

Blurry eyes.

Lashes heavy with tears.

This was all she could see; she lifted her head slightly and noticed the crowd had thinned. With a sniffle she lowered her head once more to the ground and could only say one word over and over- if she didn't her very core might just explode and demand an explanation. "Jesus, Jesus..." she murmured into the now soggy carpet. Despite being vulnerable emotionally and physically thanks to her prostrate position, she felt like there was a warm blanket upon her keeping her safe and sound. Loving and encouraging words seemed to whispered into her ear as she heard her Abba talk to her. Words of affirmation and a few words that knocked her to her core, but in a good and much needed way. Things were going to be different now; maybe she was finally getting a hang of this tricky path she followed on a daily basis. Probably not, but for now she would continue following in the footsteps of her Abba, making sure not to lose sight of Him ahead of her. . . 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Suffice to say, chapel was amazing. 

God spoke to me more than I've heard in a long time. Granted he's probably tried to talk to me and I'm just too noisy to shut up and listen. However today I clearly heard so much. 

#1- "You're so much stronger than you think you are. You're so quick to undermine who you are and what you do because you think that's easier, when really I want to pick you up and show you how far you've come and what you've done and help you with what you're going to do. You're a much stronger woman than you give yourself credit for baby girl." 

Don't ask about the "baby girl" thing; it's a secret. =p But it's so true! I'm so quick to knock myself down for something I think, feel, or do. I constantly feel like I'm wrong about stuff so I keep my mouth shut or don't assert myself like I could. God's trying to tell me that I'm such a strong person and help me to grow yet I won't let it happen because I keep stunting myself. In fact, I think it was last semester, but a wonderful girl friend was praying over me and at the end, she looked at me in awe and amazement. Of course I asked what the face was for, and she said "I was praying for you and I just saw you were so big; not physically but spiritually girl you're like a giant. Just very tall and strong." A few weeks ago in chapel a professor [who knows little about me] behind me said "You've got something [redhead], don't let it go." I feel like with these things God's building me up for something big. Much, much bigger than graduation. 

#2 - "You're not alone. I've got people praying for you that you wouldn't even expect. You're so covered in prayer by so many people; don't ever feel like you're alone. Even people you would never expect, they're praying for you."

Sometimes I feel very alone, which if you've read my blog at all you know this. For years, going back to youth group, I can feel more alone at an altar than in a group of friends if no one prays for me. In fact as a youth, I used to wonder why people would walk past me and not pray. I still wonder sometimes, and some days I desperately wish someone would just show they care and put a hand on my shoulder, but now I know. There's people that I'm unaware of praying for me. I know most people realize that someone's praying for them, but honestly I don't think I've felt it or realized it as much as I did today. 

#3- "You don't have to preach at them, just tell them about me. Show them what I can do; that's what they really want to hear." I realized that I'm so careful to not mention God explicitly to people at home, including my dad. It's not that I'm embarrassed of God or anything, I just don't think people will understand. I remember when I told my dad I speak in tongues, he was like "how come I don't get to hear any of this?!" and I explained it's because I didn't think he'd understand. Well dang why don't I just tell him so he DOES understand?! Today God was telling me that I don't have to hide parts of my life from people because how else will people know my relationship with God? I can call myself a Christian all I want, but "Christian" to a lot of people has such negative associations like "hypocrite," "bible thumper," "crazy," "narrow minded," "blah blah blah." Either way, I can say "yeah sure, I'm a Christian" but how do people know if I don't tell them the things God has done in my life?

What about when God gave me $600 in 2 days for a missions trip when I had $0 in my bank account?

What about God healing me and telling me I would be able to have kids when a doctor told me I couldn't?

What about God getting me out of the deepest depressions in high school?

So much stuff in my life God has done yet I don't tell people because "I don't think they'll understand." It's a cop out. Of course they won't understand, but that's why I can explain and help them to try to understand. 

Again, chapel today was amazing. 

Good enough?

Am I not good enough?

Am I not pretty enough?

Am I not needy enough for people?

Do I not cling desperately in a vain attempts that someone will notice me?

I feel like people try so desperately to get noticed that others get pushed to the side. 

Read: I'm in a group of people and feel like I'm completely unnoticed. I feel like I'm just bypassed and not there. I feel like there's so much BS when it comes to people. . . I feel like there are people who are crying out for attention (in a negative sense) and then there are people who are desperate to lavish attention on someone, then there's people like me who fall in the middle ground and literally tend to slip through the cracks. We're not overly vying for attention, nor are we seeking out the wounded puppy to love on. It's frustrating because I feel like since I'm neither of those 2 I'm wandering about just wanting a friend to notice me. I'm not going to seek out that attention because it's desperate. 

I just get annoyed sometimes.

Like now.