Blessings Abound.

Blue carpet.

Blurry eyes.

Lashes heavy with tears.

This was all she could see; she lifted her head slightly and noticed the crowd had thinned. With a sniffle she lowered her head once more to the ground and could only say one word over and over- if she didn't her very core might just explode and demand an explanation. "Jesus, Jesus..." she murmured into the now soggy carpet. Despite being vulnerable emotionally and physically thanks to her prostrate position, she felt like there was a warm blanket upon her keeping her safe and sound. Loving and encouraging words seemed to whispered into her ear as she heard her Abba talk to her. Words of affirmation and a few words that knocked her to her core, but in a good and much needed way. Things were going to be different now; maybe she was finally getting a hang of this tricky path she followed on a daily basis. Probably not, but for now she would continue following in the footsteps of her Abba, making sure not to lose sight of Him ahead of her. . . 

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Suffice to say, chapel was amazing. 

God spoke to me more than I've heard in a long time. Granted he's probably tried to talk to me and I'm just too noisy to shut up and listen. However today I clearly heard so much. 

#1- "You're so much stronger than you think you are. You're so quick to undermine who you are and what you do because you think that's easier, when really I want to pick you up and show you how far you've come and what you've done and help you with what you're going to do. You're a much stronger woman than you give yourself credit for baby girl." 

Don't ask about the "baby girl" thing; it's a secret. =p But it's so true! I'm so quick to knock myself down for something I think, feel, or do. I constantly feel like I'm wrong about stuff so I keep my mouth shut or don't assert myself like I could. God's trying to tell me that I'm such a strong person and help me to grow yet I won't let it happen because I keep stunting myself. In fact, I think it was last semester, but a wonderful girl friend was praying over me and at the end, she looked at me in awe and amazement. Of course I asked what the face was for, and she said "I was praying for you and I just saw you were so big; not physically but spiritually girl you're like a giant. Just very tall and strong." A few weeks ago in chapel a professor [who knows little about me] behind me said "You've got something [redhead], don't let it go." I feel like with these things God's building me up for something big. Much, much bigger than graduation. 

#2 - "You're not alone. I've got people praying for you that you wouldn't even expect. You're so covered in prayer by so many people; don't ever feel like you're alone. Even people you would never expect, they're praying for you."

Sometimes I feel very alone, which if you've read my blog at all you know this. For years, going back to youth group, I can feel more alone at an altar than in a group of friends if no one prays for me. In fact as a youth, I used to wonder why people would walk past me and not pray. I still wonder sometimes, and some days I desperately wish someone would just show they care and put a hand on my shoulder, but now I know. There's people that I'm unaware of praying for me. I know most people realize that someone's praying for them, but honestly I don't think I've felt it or realized it as much as I did today. 

#3- "You don't have to preach at them, just tell them about me. Show them what I can do; that's what they really want to hear." I realized that I'm so careful to not mention God explicitly to people at home, including my dad. It's not that I'm embarrassed of God or anything, I just don't think people will understand. I remember when I told my dad I speak in tongues, he was like "how come I don't get to hear any of this?!" and I explained it's because I didn't think he'd understand. Well dang why don't I just tell him so he DOES understand?! Today God was telling me that I don't have to hide parts of my life from people because how else will people know my relationship with God? I can call myself a Christian all I want, but "Christian" to a lot of people has such negative associations like "hypocrite," "bible thumper," "crazy," "narrow minded," "blah blah blah." Either way, I can say "yeah sure, I'm a Christian" but how do people know if I don't tell them the things God has done in my life?

What about when God gave me $600 in 2 days for a missions trip when I had $0 in my bank account?

What about God healing me and telling me I would be able to have kids when a doctor told me I couldn't?

What about God getting me out of the deepest depressions in high school?

So much stuff in my life God has done yet I don't tell people because "I don't think they'll understand." It's a cop out. Of course they won't understand, but that's why I can explain and help them to try to understand. 

Again, chapel today was amazing.