5 Years and Counting...

My plane landed and with the jolt of tires hitting the asphalt came a throbbing heart. I treasured how special this mission's trip had been, yet I knew the end result was going to be... Well, no, I didn't know. I had no idea how my night was going to progress. I had no idea how he was going to take it when I told him that while I loved him, I knew that God wanted something different for both of us. How can you anticipate a reaction? Tears and anger were sure to come, but would there be a relief from this seemingly never-ending weight that I had been carrying for 6 months? Would I cry tears of joy or of happiness? Would I second-guess what God had been saying to me for so long and stay with him? We'd been together for almost 2 and a half years- practically a lifetime when you're in college. I'd met all his extended family and they welcomed me as one of their own. His parents loved me and how happy he and I were together. My parents already considered him a son and looked forward to our inevitable nuptials. I was daydreaming a little more intensely than most as our future shaped in my head: purple and cream for the wedding, laughter and delicious cake. I to be a children's pastor, he to be in a rock band and drive for FedEx. We could've been happy. We could've been really happy.

So when I stood before him after he angrily asked me if I wanted to break up with him then or later, my illusions shattered. My resolve crumbled. My heart bled. Tears fell down my cheeks as I already saw the hurt and confusion behind his eyes. For a moment we both stood there frustrated: he trying to figure out where our fairy tale had crashed, and I trying to reconcile my life with God's will. That moment seemed like eternity. All the words I tried to use to explain what was in my heart seemed so fake and like such a cop-out; to use "the God Card". I tried to use the sincerity that I felt inside and knew to be true, but my tears and trembling lips betrayed me to something else. He thought there was another reason. I had none.

I took off the promise ring he had given me a year and a half ago and just stared at it numbly in my hand. It seemed so cliche... Give back the ring and that's the end. But this ring, while I know it wasn't monetarily worth much, had meant the world to 2 people. I held it to him with shaky fingers and he wouldn't take it. He too stared at it, realizing what it meant if it returned to his possession. Being the sweet man he is, he told me that I had to keep it so we could leave the door open for us.

Again, how my heart broke. Twice in one night.

I bit into my bottom lip to keep from sobbing. To keep from running to his oh-so-familiar arms and apologizing and asking him to forgive me and pretend this never happened. To go back to our happy life together and tell him all about my amazing mission's trip. A million thoughts rushed through my mind in an instance, as if I was in a near-death experience: "We could work it out. This could get better. He and I have been through so much. I don't want to start all over. This will be bad if I don't do what I know God's asked me to do. It's just not worth it to not follow God at this point. I know what's right." Further strength was required as he said the words: "You know, I was going to ask your parents for your hand this week." The words that I heard in my heart over and over, becoming bitter about that I hadn't actually heard and feeling as if we had seemed to stagnate in our relationship.

With a stifled sob I handed the ring to him and tried to say I'm sorry. At this point, 5 years later, I'm not entirely clear on the details of what happened next. I think I said I'm sorry and turned and ran back to my dorm. I do know that it was the longest walk of my life. I ran through the lounge where friends had been, down the hall, threw open my door, and collapsed on my floor screaming and crying. I inhaled carpet deeply as I tried not to hyperventilate. I remember praying. I remember yelling at God that He had to take care of me, He promised if I did this He would provide, this was His fault and he better make the pain and hurt go away.

And you know what, I can honestly say that He did. I walked to my friend's room, slumped on her floor, and tried to explain how I was feeling. That weight I had mentioned earlier? It was actually gone. I felt like I could breathe. I felt... alive, but numb at the same time. Now, please hear me out on this, my now ex-boyfriend was a wonderful man. He treated me well, he thought the world of me, he loved me and I him. This was never about he and I being bad together. But we certainly weren't God's best. And 5 years later, having never shed another tear about it since that night, I sit on my front porch typing these memories, and thanking God for His provision. My ex has now married a girl that I really think is such a wonderful fit for him. In fact I remember at some point during our relationship wondering why they had never dated before. And I was truly happy for them when I found out about their marriage.

So me. Where am I? I'm still single, hence the 5 years and counting. I'm still waiting on that promise from 5 years ago in a hotel in Mexico city where my Abba promised me if I did this, He would bring someone so much more perfect for me. No, it's not been an easy 5 years. It was at first, because I didn't have so many friends getting married. But I'm in my mid-20's and this is when my single friends pair off more, and my married friends start having babies. It's difficult. And that's OK. It's only difficult because my heart's desire is so strong to have a husband and kids someday. But now's not the time. And if my Abba has promised me the world, He's going to give it to me. I've seen enough promises come true that I know this to also be true.

This post is already far too long, but I can't help but think of all the things in my life that have happened since that day in 2007: the travel, the awkward dates that are now funny stories, the lessons learned, the nose pierced. ;-) I'm such a different, and dare I say stronger woman since I did what I did. I may have broken up with my college sweetheart, but I forever strengthened the ultimate relationship with my Abba.