Semi-Charmed Kind of Life

Meet my pooch, Storm. He's pretty much the coolest quadruped I know.
Today I was at lunch with a dear friend of mine and she admitted that she "stalked" me and read back through my blog. My heart rate sped up a bit as I pondered what I'd blogged about over the last couple of years. That stopped almost as quickly as it started, because really, she already knew most if not all of those things already anyway. =)

I like that.

I like that God has managed to blow my puny little brain matter yet again by giving me such awesome friends. If you've a) kept up with this blog as I've done it over the years, or b) gone back through and read it, then you know that I fairly well crave people. That was one of my biggest fears of moving back home to VA, was not having friends. Because really, at the time, I had very few friends here (not that they weren't amazing!). I decided to peruse through my blog entries (hence why I'm still awake instead of being in bed an hour ago like I promised I would...) and as I read I felt so many emotions it was like a teen movie: sadness, excitement, happiness, anger, frustration, joy... The whole gang of emotions was there. Memories swelled up in me as I read back through entry after entry of hurt and hope, depression & God's faithfulness, words spoken to me and over me that I had since forgotten. . .

I'm still doing the Daniel Fast, and I've already lost 4 pounds since Tuesday! I feel like I might actually get a handle on my life this time. And by my life I mean my weight. But things seem different this time. I don't crave sugar right now. I don't crave fried food. I don't crave much of anything. If I'm hungry I eat fruit or veggies or organic Multigrain chips (SO good!). I've been finding great recipes online. God is doing something big with me and my health. It's unfortunate that I did the whole bulimia thing for so long- eating healthy and exercising regularly isn't as hard/awful as I used to think it was. Don't get me wrong; I would not trade my eating disorder & depressive years for anything. Sounds strange, but it's true. Think of the people that I can now relate to because of my experiences. There's no way I'd have been able to do something like that if I hadn't gone through what I've gone through.

I'm thankful for friends who push me to do things (Daniel fast & exercising). I'm thankful for friends who pour into my life and build me up with legitimate, fulfilling words of affirmation. I'm thankful for a family who loves me and supports me. I'm thankful for leadership opportunities in ministry even though they're not paid. I'm thankful for an amazing job that has allowed me to buy a car and pay off my credit card.

I'm thankful for God being a breathtakingly beautiful God.

I'm thankful beyond measure that my parents are attending Dave Ramsey's financial peace class at church. As in my unsaved father is going to church every week.

I'm thankful for a God that doesn't do things in a conventional manner.

"You are more, You are more, than my words will ever say.
You are Lord, You are Lord, all creation will proclaim.
You are here, You are here, in Your presence I'm made whole.
You are God, You are God, of all else I'm letting go."

Psalms 33:21 "In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name."

Actually, I'm doing pretty good!

So it's been awhile since my word vomit all over my blog. Thankfully, it's been long enough that I have lovely and excellent news to report!

I'm ok!

Yep. True story.

In the last blog, I think I'd really hit my low point with the sickness and all that nonsense, and finally accepting that I wasn't ok is what ultimately helped me to be ok. After that I started praying more and begging God to pull me out of the muck I'd found myself stuck in, and apparently begging works! :) I started to smile more, my illness (still unknown what exactly it was..) was getting better, I slept a ton. I started to feel like myself again. I felt that joy that I know is usually so prevalent in my life come seeping back in like an old friend. Love & warmth from God draped over my sick body like a fuzzy blanket.

I felt radiant, for lack of a better word. I knew I started to feel better when I took the time to put together an outfit that had layers and required effort and high heels! For almost two months prior I had wanted to live in jeans and flats. And here I was! Posing in front of my full-length mirror making sure the heels looked good with the skirt and tights. I was me again. :)

Starting in 6 days, I will be doing the Daniel Fast. Basically going vegan plus no sugar/caffeine/"pleasant foods". I'm really excited, actually! A dear friend of mine in PA (hey girl heyyyy!) did it and was raving about the results she's been having. Not just physical results (because the girl's lost 20 lbs!) but also the spiritual and emotional results. This sounds like just what I need: I love myself and I have confidence, but I just want to be healthier. I want to be able to chase after kids at church, or even after my own when the time comes, without getting winded or coughing. I don't want to have a difficult time finding clothes that fit me at stores. I can't keep blaming designers for not making clothes my size, when really it's me who's the problem in being this size.

Again, don't get me wrong- I'm a big fan of me. A much bigger fan than I used to be [pun not intended. ha!]. I just want to be healthy. And I want to swing dance for hours without my face turning bright red.

From March 1-31st, I'll be doing the Daniel Fast with 2 other friends, and another friend who's giving up coffee. I'm excited. Pumped, even! I'm taking control of my own body. We'll be going to zumba and hopefully to the gym more often. In fact, I even went to the gym last night! Look at me go! =) And just for fun, we're calling it "March Madness 2011". Don't tell basketball fans!

Please pray with me as I do this though; I'm not expecting it to be easy and I've never been great with moderation. That's why I'm hoping the "cold turkey" method will cut it. I think this will be good though, I think I might be on the process of changing my life for the better.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body"

No, actually, I'm not ok.

I'm doing this media fast for the week so basically that's no internet (outside of work of course), no movies, no TV, nada. I have been checking my Gmail, but only to delete stuff that's coming in- I'm not actually reading anything.

I've been sick since the week before Christmas. This is 5 weeks now. I'm pretty much over it, but I still have some lingering affects (congesting, coughing, fatigue...) and I'm still not emotionally back up to 100%. I've come to realize this past week that being sick for a prolonged amount of time has sent me spiraling down into a pit of depression that I don't normally see. I'm a very chill, even-tempered person. In the last 5 weeks I've been moody, cranky, easily angered, and internally just a jerk. Numerous plans have been cancelled due to illness/weather issues, and the resulting spot is me sitting at home doing virtually nothing for 5 weeks. Excluding last week where I did actually go to 2 separate places (Florida & Williamsburg, respectively), I've been out twice in the last 5 weeks.

Twice.

I normally go out at a bare minimum twice a week.

Please understand now the depths of my despair. I feel like my soul is being sucked out through Nyquil and effervescent tablets. Like my life has become something in a shrink wrapped package: generic and dull. I hate it. I hate me. I don't like who I am anymore. I see pictures of myself from college and pictures of myself from recently and I wonder who that smiling girl is. I feel like I don't even recognize her anymore. She had a radiance and a joy that I feel like I just don't have. I feel. . . nothing, really. I don't feel much of anything actually.

This past Sunday at my young adults group I was honored by a friend of mine in front of everyone else. As I sat there listening to him share our story of what happened one fateful night a year ago, I felt a faint nudging in my heart saying "See, you're not as sucky of a person as you think you are." Since I've been doing my fast this week I've also only been listening to worship music. I'm trying to pull myself out of this depression.

I want out. I want to smile. I want to feel like this pressure's off my chest. I want to feel again. I want to walk in the halls of my work places and have the confidence of my Heavenly creator bounding through me.

For now I feel like I'm slowly pulling myself out of a thick, amorphous sludge. Something that's gradually being peeled off, but is still being resistent. I need prayer. I need people. I need encouragement. I need my Abba God.

Lord, help?

"The greatest love of all is mine"

Well hellooo blogger! Notice anything different? Oh! Yes! A nose piercing! It's not the only thing that's different. My life has literally kicked into high gear since my last post. Once I got home from that wedding in August, I started my job September 8th, then started co-teaching a 4 year old Rainbows class at church.

Let me tell you, I've been crazy busy but loving my life. :) I've made some incredible new friends at church that are all fairly new to the church itself, so it's really pretty perfect timing. I never saw myself as a 4 yr olds teacher, but I have to admit that I love it. :) My co-teacher is incredible and has become a great friend through all this. Plus I just love my kids. Seriously they're adorable. We have between 12 and 16 kids a week, and for the most part they're wonderful little kids. Granted they have their moments, but they're 4, what do you expect?

My job's going really well. :) I feel like I'm picking stuff up at a decent rate, but I still worry about doing things wrong. I'm new so I suppose that's normal. My co-workers are pretty great for the most part. There's one guy who's a snot, but apparently *no one* in the office likes him. Which I actually find really sad. . . But he's one of those people that doesn't seem to help the situation either.

Me and God. . . We're doing good. :) I'm making an effort to better my life lately, in health and spirit. I'm going to start eating better and working out. Because of my crap knee though I think I'm going to start swimming at the gym. Hopefully that will go well, I want to *feel* good. I don't even care what weight I am, I just want to be healthy. God's been teaching me a lot lately. Specifically when it comes to men folk. =P I've been praying for my future hubby, both that I meet him quickly and that he's doing well. I don't even feel like I *need* a husband, I just want one. And I'd like him sooner rather than later. But I feel like God wants me to prepare myself for a guy. I don't know who or where he is, but I want God's timing with everything. I'm really excited. :)

I think I'm at a good place in my life, and I think it's by the grace of God. My biggest concern with moving back home was having friends, and I seriously have amazing friends here. My 23rd birthday was this past Wednesday, and I had 12 fabulous people playing laser tag with me. :) There would have been more but they couldn't come for a myriad of reasons. I'm not trying to brag at all, I'm trying to show how faithful God's been to me. I'm a happy, happy little redhead. :o)

"Thank you Abba for showing me your faithfulness. You are the greatest love of all."

Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again. . .

She spun and she spun and she spun. Round and round, a blur of blues and greens from her dress. Tears flowed down her face and endless songs poured from her pink lips.
She was dancing with God. She knew it. She could feel it. She almost thought she could have lifted off the ground with the elation she felt. This was just their time. Just their time to be together and dance.
"How He loves us..." she whispered. She almost wanted to collapse at the overwhelming weight of that. For a moment she paused spinning and just lifted her closed eyes to the sky and worshiped her Father. Swaying back and forth, like a little girl dancing for her daddy, she continued to sing: "love's like a hurricane, i am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy." She felt so free. So carefree and happy to just be dancing around, a little girl for her Father.
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I got a call today that prompted the emotional worship you read above. A job. A prospective employer calling me to offer me a position, and one that was actually higher than the original position I applied for. Of course I accepted: it was full-time, had benefits, and pays $1.50 more than the original position I applied for.

God amazes me. Seriously, He never ceases to amaze me. I've been looking for jobs since Christmas break and all the while I've been concerned about the 2 weddings I was going to: one in mid-August and the other one I'm a bridesmaid in in September. This job starts September 8th, the Tuesday after the wedding I'm in. =) Now, yes I've been unemployed and been super strapped for money, but I can honestly say that my bills have never been late since Christmas. Somehow money's come around in some way, shape, or form. Even if it was working at Starbucks for those 3 weeks, and as miserable as I was, I know it was God's way of keeping me financially afloat. This job I'm getting will be more than enough to pay my bills and save some money. I really am a blessed woman. . . I feel good about this job: I feel very encouraged.

Now I am still single, and I do want to be in a relationship, but I know that God's got it covered. I know my entire life has been planned in such a way, and I know even moreso about how annoying that is sometimes. But I also know that I've never been disappointed or upset about God's plans. I know he's out there somewhere, wondering where I'm at, and I'm sure we'll meet at it'll be stars and rockets everywhere. Ok maybe not literally but either way. I know God's timing is perfect.

All I need is You Lord, all I need is You.
Abba forgive me for not always trusting you. But I'm so thankful for Your grace and Your faithfulness to me over the years. I'm so thankful that you and I danced together and I feel safe in Your presence. Lord I pray for my daily bread to be taken care of.

"This, then, is how you should pray:
"'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.'" Matthew 6:9-13

It's been awhile. . .

Well it's been since June since I've graced the blogspot-sphere. Many-a-things have happened since then. . .

• I've moved back to VA.
  
• I'm still unemployed.
• I'm somehow happier than I thought I could be.

Yep. It's true. I mean I loved living with my roommate in PA and seeing the friends up there that I did, but I lived with a constant heaviness of debt over my head from my rent and my CC bill and impending student loans being due.
Granted I still have student loans coming up in November, and my credit card bill is ridiculously high, but I'm happy. Things are syncing here.

God's doing something big in my life and I'm not entirely sure what it is. I'm excited- I'm praying that whatever it is I'll be prepared and equally excited when it happens. I went to kid's camp this past week and it was incredible. I went fully expecting to just serve kids and have fun and be covered in bug's spray, and what I got was so much more than that. I developed friendships with a bunch of kids, became closer to some pre-existing friends, and more importantly heard from God.

Is it sad I wasn't expecting that? All this time God spends telling me to always be expecting, and then I spend a week serving others and don't expect God to move in my life? Seriously? anyway. Off of my silliness. Wednesday night I went outside of the service and walked around in the rain, singing and praying because I felt like God wanted to speak. . . Essentially this is what He said:
"You need to stop being so scared of being a children's pastor. This is what I've called you to do and you know you can do it once you get past your own fears. You're so capable and you don't even realize it." Tagged along with that was the affirmation that I'm where I'm supposed to be at the moment. I don't need to worry about looking for a job outside of the area since I'm supposed to be here for now.
The next morning I was getting coffee before the morning service, and PG came in and we were chatting about coffee, when all of a sudden he started shmoozing me about being a great CP.
Things HE said:

• "You're going to be a great children's pastor someday."
• "You're very personable and like to organize- those are two things children's pastors need to have."
  
• "You make friends easily so you won't have a problem getting volunteers."
• "I've seen you at [church in PA], and I know when you get nervous you mess up- but we all do it. We all have our off days and we all forget stuff. But I know when you're ready and prepared you do well."

So, suffice to say, I'm so blessed despite being unemployed, broke as a joke, and in debt. :)

"Abba thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for never letting me forget to expect the unexpected. I pray that I will be prepared for whatever's coming my way and be a better woman for it in the end."

Why does patience have to be a virtue?

I'm not a patient person.
It's not my nature.
Granted I don't go on a freak out if I don't get something my way in my timing, but internally I might be a bit frustrated that my plans aren't going my way.

I read a Xanga entry from someone the other day talking about relationships. I almost didn't read it, but then I thought about how I've been in a funk recently about being single for the last 2.5 years and I decided to read it. Before I get into this, please understand that I'm very happy being single. I'm very happy with decisions I made that led me to where I'm at. It's nothing like that. However if you've been single for any length of time you know how frustrating it can be when you're 1) interested in someone and nothing comes of it, or 2) there's some fun flirting in a public place like a grocery store or bank or wherever and nothing happens. Anyway, in the xanga blog the girl was talking about my least favorite thing: patience.
It boiled down to her giving advice to a guy friend that he wasn't willing to be patient and put time into making a relationship happen: he wanted the girl to marry right then and there. I read through, nodded in agreement a few times, then realized it was because I was looking at myself. When I broke up with my last boyfriend, he told me that he had planned on asking my parents that week if he could marry me. It was hard to realize that I could have been married probably this summer but instead I had to start back at square one. I want to be married: I want a husband, to start a family, and to start that stage of my life. Being the impatient young lady that I am, I want it now; I don't want to wait until I'm 25 or whenever. However I haven't met someone that's worthy of that role in my life. I need to be patient and invest time andpatience (groan) into a man and develop a friendship with him then a relationship. Honestly when I start dating a man, hopefully we'll already be best friends. Because of my impatient nature I want the perfect man to sweep me off my feet at a coffee shop, we'll fall madly in love and be married within the year.

But that's not God's plan for relationships.
It's not God's plans for life at all, in fact.
Think about it: God spent 6 days creating this universe we know when he could have sneezed and it would have all appeared in perfect working order. Natural evolution? Species evolving? It takes hundreds and thousands of years. It could happen overnight but it takes longer than our lifetime. Patience IS a virtue because otherwise you can miss life happening around you.

Well that sucks for me, the ever impatient one.

Now about my current predicament with not having a job. I'm still not a patient person. I still need a job desperately. But I have to believe that there's a reason I don't have a job, and when I do get it I'm sure it will be well worth the wait. I want a job now, I want a relationship now, I don't want to be patient.

However it's just part of God's bigger plan. I'll be a better woman for it by the end of it.

If I can wait that long. ;)