Life, Love, and Divorce

At the end of swing from my 25th birthday.

I've been mulling this post over for a few weeks now.... Thinking of ways to word things, pondering how to say things without seeming like a jerk (because that's not my intent!), and just really trying to figure out what the crap I'm even trying to say.

I just turned 25 on Friday, and the weekend so far has been an amazing amalgamation of laughter, a few tears, dancing, and yes, a pinata. I feel like at 25 there are currently 2 thoughts bouncing around in my brain: "Man, I'm so young but I finally feel like I might actually be growing up" and "Dang, why the crap am I still single?" True story. But then I get on Facebook, and I see Yahoo news, and I see "The Big D".

Divorce.

I get on Facebook and there are a handful of women that either I once knew from church, or knew from college, and they've already experienced the heartache of divorce. These aren't women with grown children who's husbands left them for a younger model (I'm assuming)- these are girls my age. Please please please, whoever lays eyes on this post, don't read this as judgment or condemnation- it's neither. Or any other negative word you could attach to my writing. It's really just confusion and sadness. These are women I know who are beautiful and smart and love God and just great people, so how did it happen? Did someone in the marriage not love the other enough? Was their infidelity? Was it a mistake from the beginning? ...Was their abuse, physical or emotional?  My heart hurts for these girls.

Yes, I get tired of being single sometimes, but I thank God that I haven't had to hire a lawyer to figure out how to sign a thick document declaring who gets the couch.  I want so much happiness for these girls I know, yet they've seen a heartache I can't even begin to comprehend. My chest tightens and tears well up in my eyes at the thought of a marriage I don't even have crumbling. How do you survive it? How do you comprehend it? Now, in cases of abuse, I'm sure there is some relief to be out of the situation. But what if you wanted it to work? What if you said yes while they said "maybe"?

Because this is my blog and I don't think there are people who read it, I take free reign in being as [naively] honest as I want on here. There is someone I like. But, I caught my heart yearning for something, anything from him really. And I don't mean anything in a physical manner, but maybe just a sly glance, or an extra smile- something that would be a little glimmer of the hope I have some days. And in that moment there was a small voice that I haven't heard in what seems forever that said "Just be patient."

This isn't saying that it was "Be patient for this person to ask you out." This was a "just be patient until MY plans come to fruition." It was yet another reminder from my Abba that I don't get control. My plans don't matter. Now, it's not that God's heartless. It's that He already has a plan that I'm in the midst of living out, and I just don't know the next big steps. And while it's frustrating at times, and lonely at others, I know that it does have a happy ending. And the happy ending isn't my marriage to "the man of my dreams", the happy ending is knowing that someday I'll stand before God and [hopefully] hear "Well done my girl."

I want to be married. I want to move forward in that part of my life. I want kids before I'm 30 (which now seems a lot closer given recent celebrations). But more than all those things I want to follow God. I want to know Him more. I want to live the fullest life with God that I can't even fathom. And in the sake of transparency, I'll even say that as I type this tears are just rolling down my face. I know good things are coming my way and if I'm just patient a little longer, it will be the most rewarding and satisfying thing ever. For years I've prayed that God would give me a great love story- something I'd be proud to tell my kids and friends. And I think I'm living that. I think any tear, every smile, every ridiculous date is all part of this amazing love story where I have yet to meet the other lead player.

How do I know all this? Because God told me in 2006 that if I were to end the current relationship, he'd bring someone so much better. And while I was afraid of being "alone" and having to start all over in the dating scene, I have gone on dates. I have had admirers. This isn't to brag, but I really believe it's been God's way of showing me that I am desirable to men, despite what I think of myself sometimes and my positivity that upon singledom in 2007 I would be a spinster until I breathed my last breath. I received an e-mail from a dear friend this morning that actually moved me to tears. Since I'm not using her name, I'll assume her anonymity and post the tear-inducing part below:

"I know you are discouraged and desiring for the day when your heart's cry is answered by the one man who will be yours.  I believe it will happen, and I strongly believe that your love story will be nothing short of amazing.  For now, until that day comes, let God be your love story.  Let him saturate your life with continued love and blessings.  Let him continue to make you smile with rainbows, sunrises and music. Let him pursue you through friendships, noisy and quiet times and random unexpected things.  You are precious to him, his ruby.  He knows your heart, and he knows it hurts to wait.  Be sure something far greater than you can imagine is coming at his time.  Continue to learn, grow, love, live and strive for more of God in your life."


And because I'm still too honest on here, I'm moved to tears again. These are words that couldn't have more timely arrived in my inbox this morning, as last night I was again wishing for things that aren't meant to be just yet.

My time will come. And because in my life I made a choice to listen to God in 2006, I know I won't have to sign a thick bundle of papers which will end something so precious that should be treasured.* I know I'll never have to question again like I did before. I know that my friends won't wonder about my choice in partner again, and they won't resent me asking them to be a part of my day. I know that one day I'll wear the lovely dress and make the long walk towards The Man, not A Man. My marriage someday will last longer than 72 days and will honor God because it was an event years in the making.

Abba... Help me to be patient. Pursue me, and I'll let you worry about who He is. 

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Matthew 19:4-6

*Please please please hear me when I say this, I'm not saying that people who love Jesus don't get divorced. I'm not saying that you don't love Jesus if you do get divorced. I don't know God's reasoning, I don't know His plans, none of it. But I know that He loves all of us at all times, through all things. 

Insomnia??

It's currently October 31st, 2011, 3:21am.

And I am awake.

Why, you ask? I have no idea! I do know that I've been sick since Tuesday (we've officially entered day 6 here) and before all I wanted was to sleep and be under my covers, whereas now I've tried to sleep and yet... nothing.

I slept today roughly from 2:30-5:30pm, so at 11pm I wasn't too surprised that I was still awake watching Step Up. I crawled into bed finally around 11:30, shut my eyes, and still... nothing.

I hopped on Facebook for a few minutes- typically something mundane and pointless will make me fall asleep. But still? Awake.

I laid back in bed, trying to convince myself I was asleep. I breathed slower. I rolled around. I turn my pillows over looking for the coveted cold side. Still awake.

I got onto Pinterest because I thought of some weird fitness tip that looked neat that I wanted to try to remember. I hoped Pinterest would put me to sleep where Facebook didn't. Instead I spent ~20 minutes trying to figure out why I couldn't make a darned board for motivational things.

I laid in bed thinking of weird dreams I'd had, hoping to convince myself I was indeed dreaming.

I planned things for my 25th birthday party (12 days away, mind you!).

I prayed.

I reflected.

I read all of Galatians (not that impressive- it's only 6 chapters).

I moved all of my jeans from my closet to this under bed storage thing.

I moved a bunch of comfy/bummy pants to the same under bed storage thing.

I cleaned out a few shirts + 1 jacket from my closet to give away to Goodwill.

I contemplated keeping an argyle sweater that was compliments of Black Friday 2010.

I realized I desperately need to vacuum my floor.

I've sneezed compulsively.

I wished that there was a vacuum in my room so I wouldn't have to leave my little haven.

I coughed and have been sick.

I re-read e-mails from months past.

I did wall crunch-y things (they were the fitness tip on Pinterest I wanted to remember!).

I determined to drink lemon water more.

I thought about doing the wall crunch-y things on hard floor with a towel underneath to avoid rug burn again.

I stared at my dresses.

I contemplated Jesus.

I wished for other people to be awake so I can commiserate with other insomniacs.

I pondered reducing my regular drink order at Starbucks from Grande to Tall. I already went from Venti to Grande, why not drop off another few ounces?

I wondered if I showered tonight what my hair would look like in the morning.

I realized that no matter how much I convince myself otherwise, I will never be one of those girls who can pull off great hair the morning after a night shower.

I've had a ridiculous productive 4 hours, hoping something would lull me into the sweet arms of sleep, but still.... nothing.

There is a highly good chance I'm not going to bother going to sleep at all. I'm almost looking at this like a challenge to see what can happen. Then again, who wants to see this on no sleep? Not me, that's for sure.

Oh look! A yawn! Maybe it's a sign of things to come...??

-Redhead

Puffy Clouds

I was driving home from work yesterday and I was completely struck how amazing the clouds were. They were huge and puffy and filled with such... poof. Silly but true. After yesterday's earthquake it got me thinking about life... Doing things I shouldn't do, saying things I shouldn't say, quit my job and move to California or Washington state... Anything. But then it got me thinking of when I was a kid and I had this romantic idea that Heaven was on top of the big, bulbous clouds. I remember being disappointed when I was flying and at the top of the clouds I didn't see paved streets of gold or God waving at me from a throne.

Down the rabbit trail, I thought about how while Heaven might not be on top of the clouds, that doesn't mean Heaven isn't in the clouds... Not saying literally, but figuratively of course. I feel a sense of calm and peace when there's a gorgeous blue sky with billowy white clouds. It makes me think of how creative God is and how much effort He puts into everything. And He puts effort into stuff for us to join- how do we take it for granted so often?

Lord please help me to appreciate You and Your creation more.

Overwhelmed & humbled

I recently sent out an e-mail to some of my dearest friends asking for prayer about something, and the response, quite frankly, has me completely overwhelmed and humbled. Between the love I'm being shown by friends and the realization yet again of how much God has actually blessed me with the people surrounding me... Yikes. I almost cried the other day just thinking about it.

A few things my dear friends have said to me:

- I will pray that God opens your heart and draws you closer to Him so He can reveal this wonderful treasure to you.

- You’re so amazing for sending this email!

- You are so special to Him!

- Be encouraged bc just as God said he starts us out on milk and slowly brings in solid foods as we mature in age...He's bringing in the meat and potatoes to ya babe.

- so I just wish you were right here so I could give you a giant hug

- For one, you are in Christ Jesus!! You are His, and He is in you through the Spirit! He has taken care of your sin, and there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus!!

- Yup. Praying. LOVE you.

I am surrounded by people who love me and care about. Genuinely care. I sent out the e-mail asking for prayer in a season of change I see approaching, and above is a fraction of the responses I got back. A few e-mails almost brought me to tears because I don't tend to feel that I deserve that kind of admiration.

Beyond that, I know such caring people. I really do. The above responses were from friends I've known for anywhere between ~8 months to ~7 years. I was praying on my way to work the other day and I thought about when I was moving back to Virginia from Pennsylvania... When I made my big move my biggest fear was that I would have no friends here. Almost every one of those responses are from "newer" friends- as in people I've met in the ~2 years that I've been home. How crazy is my God that He would know who to bring into my life and when?

Another friend told me to read Romans 8 and I read it at work... The below verse struck me hard... "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Since I've felt the oncoming of this Spirit, I've felt increasingly weak spiritually. But not weak in a way that I'm about to collapse; weak in a way that I'm malleable. I was praying for someone a few weeks ago on my way to work, and out of prayer for this friend came prayer in tongues and tears that I didn't even know existed. It wasn't even a pained cry, it was a joyful cry. And on my way to work. Thankfully it wasn't a bunch of sobbing, just a few random tears....

Romans 8:26 has absolutely wrecked me.

"Father I don't know what this season holds for me. I know what I want out of it, but that is irrelevant. Help me to seek Your face and read Your word more."

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

Confessions of a 20-something swing dancer

(*Please take note, there's no romantic anything between me and the guy in the picture; swing dancing just has you dance with any and everyone. That's my buddy who makes goofy faces. We were fake ballroom dancing. :D )

I went swing dancing last night, as is my custom to do on [most] Friday nights. And I realized that there is some of the most phenomenal people watching there, some of which can even rival a shopping mall or casino.

I don't consider myself an awesome dancer. I don't think I suck, and I think I have a grasp on what to do, so I try hard to be a good follow. I was standing on the sidelines of one dance just watching people, and I realized that on the dance floor we all have the same goal: to shake our butts and work it out. Granted there are people who do it for different reasons, but it boils down to wanting to be so expressive with yourself. Dancing really is freeing. I know every time I spin or do the Charleston, I feel more free to be myself than I do outside of dancing. Now, there are people who are there to show off, girls who wear this or that to get more attention, guys who try moves beyond their skill level...

Last night in the ladies room a woman told me that I look great on the dance floor, and I look very coordinated. I blushed a little and thanked her because most of the time I feel a bit awkward and like I completely miss cues. Then later on I was slow dancing with this guy, and I made a comment that I never knew what to do with slow awkward songs (which the band last night is infamous for...), and he said there's plenty you can do! So we started doing different things and I made grandiose gestures and had ridiculous expressions on my face. He was cracking up the whole time, which was my goal, so score for me. :o) Then he said that I'm a beautiful dancer and very light on my feet. Again, I blushed and thanked him. It took me back to my first time swing dancing in January of 2010. I was dancing with a friend of mine that I knew from church, and he made the mistake of saying these fateful words: "I'm going to try 'The Whip' on you." Me, being a naive 23 year old had no idea what "The Whip" was and swing dancing scared me so I went along with it. Coming out of the move somehow I punched him right in the chest. After making sure he was ok it was hilarious. :)

All that to say, it's fun to think about where you've come from in things. And it's nice to have a tangible way of measuring your success. Future goals include doing a jam at one of the dances, and eventually doing aerials. But I need to lose weight for that one. That's all good though, that's on my list of things to do as well. ;)

"I'm single because I have standards"

"Yeah and you're single because you're following God."

Tonight at church, a friend of mine made a comment after I said "I move for NO MAN!" in a purely joking manner, and he responds with the following gem:

"Yeah and that's why you don't have a man."

I stood there stunned for a minute. Completely, utterly stunned.

I'm not single because I'm stubborn. I'm not single because I even really want to be. I'm not single because no one wants me.

I'm single because I have standards. God-ordained, God-inspired standards. I'm single because I'm waiting for the fruition of a promise that was given to me 4.5 years ago. I've had a couple of men pursue me, and whether I liked it or not, I've turned them down because I have a slight idea of what God wants for me. I've gone on dates and none have seemed to "click".

Thankfully my friend not only apologized for what he said and let me punch him, but he made the effort to get my cell number from a mutual friend, call me up, and apologize again. I forgave him after his initial apology (and my nasty little right hook into his bicep...) but it got me thinking and it was nice to have him kind get how upset it made me...

Mostly it got me thinking again about God and His promise. I can think of 3 men right now that seem like they would be good matches. Can I say anything to any of them about it? Nope. God told me not to. So I'm sitting and waiting, attempting this blasted thing called "patience", and seeing what will happen. It's kind of hard going to 2 weddings in 1 week, 1 baby shower, and seeing countless (literally) pictures on Facebook of at least 5 couples I know that have gotten married in the last few weeks.

But.

God is faithful. And He is good. and He has always had my best intentions at heart.

Father forgive me for when my patience dwindles. Forgive me for when I don't feel like caring about anything other than my own wants and desires. Help me to focus on You and remember how beautiful Your timing is.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Stranger Danger!!

I'm currently house sitting for a friend and I'm staying alone in her family's big, lovely home. They have 3 dogs who are pretty sweet and laid back. However they also bark/howl at anything that comes nearby.

This isn't a big deal except when you mix in that the young lady house-sitting has an incredibly over-active imagination. I called up my friend because I was freaking out about their barking so late at night, and so much, and out it came: "I think the problem is I've never felt safe anywhere."

I pondered this statement for a moment... Where did that come from? Then it all dawned on me: there was someone raped in my home neighborhood when I was a kid. I was sexually abused as a child in 2 states. My family is filled with worry-warts. Between all that... I've never felt safe anywhere. That's why I'm scared of the dark. That's why I am paranoid of something hiding in the dark. That's why I freak out over every little noise and creak in a house...

Man, I should pay myself for the bangin' psycho-analysis.

Abba help me to trust in You. Help me to know that Your will is Your will. Give me peace to sleep through the night. Give me rest where I am scared. Hold me when I'm afraid. Help me not be so scared...

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. - 2 Timothy 1:7

"Just" Ruins Lives

It’s amazing the power that words have over us. What’s even more astounding is the power willingly give to words.

For example. Think of a 4-letter word. No not that one; this is a family-friendly blog. Think of a 4-letter word that starts with “J”. Got it? Ok my title might have given it away.

“Just”

“Just” is a word that unless absolutely necessary, I’m trying to abolish from my vocabulary. I have no qualms with using it in a comforting or consoling manner: “It’s just a little scrape”, “it’s just a few bucks”, or the ever-so-classic-yet-defiant, “it’s just a flesh wound!”.

What’s my recent vendetta against the “J” word? When I first started working at my current job as an administrative assistant, I was introduced to someone and I said “Oh I’m just their admin.” The person looked at me and said “no one is ‘just’ anything. You matter a lot more than ‘just’.” It’s something that’s stuck with me even to this day, and I’ve been here about 8 months now.

Let’s look at my moniker for my blog: “Just-A-Redhead”. Shame on me! It’s not much of a secret if you know me or if you’ve read this blog for any amount of time that I’ve got quite the history of self-hate. For the better part of my life I hated my body, I hated my self, and pretty much thought I was worthless. I would be extroverted to a T then consider myself “just another dumb teenager” inside. When I was in college, I was “just a college student”. When I was in a relationship, I was “just X’s girlfriend” at events. I’m involved in children’s ministry at my church and there I’ve considered myself “just another volunteer.”

I’m not just anything.

I am Chosen (1 Peter 2:9)

I am Forgiven (Colossians 1:13-14)

I have a Purpose (Jeremiah 29:11)

I am New (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I bring Light to dark places (Matthew 5:14)

I am Beloved (Song of Songs 6:3)

I am a Daugher, an Admin, a Cousin, a Teacher [of children], a Friend, a Woman, a Granddaughter, a Dancer, a Redhead.

By calling myself on this blog “Just-A-Redhead”, I’m shorting myself so much. I’m more than “Just a Redhead”. A friend once told me that I’m multi-faceted like a precious stone.

Precious stones aren’t just rocks. They’re treasured, admired, used to adorn people and things. Using “just” is fine in certain contexts, but don’t ever refer to yourself or to another person as “just” anything.

No one is “just” anything. Love yourself more than that. Someone else does.

Abba help me to see my full potential in life, and to realize how much You truly love me…

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (Ephesians 2:10 NLT) 


"You never change, You're still the same..."

I was driving home today and I realized I can not wait until I can sing with/dance with/love/kiss someone in the rain.

All about Your timing, Abba.

Content.

And completely enamored by a big God.

For the first time...

Do you ever read something that you know you've read/heard a million times, and it seems like it's happening for the first time? That's never really happened to me with the Bible, since I've grown up in church and went to Bible college and all that stuff. But yesterday was different.

I was supposed to teach from Esther 4 in kid's church yesterday, so I spent a lot of time yesterday afternoon [being a procrastinator and] prepping for my lesson. I read through chapters 1-3 to get a better feel for it, since I have heard it so much, and I wanted to make sure I got all the details right.

I swear, it was like the first time reading it.

The pretty standard things that people will preach out of Esther is 1)Esther was a queen who managed to save all the Jews, and 2) it took courage for this woman to go to her husband the King and reveal that not only did she want the lives of all the Jews, but hers as well since she was a Jew.

My biggest revelation?

God works out the craziest things to save lives. Ester 4:14 (NIrV) says "...perhaps you became a queen for such a time as this." I swear I just sat there stunned for a few minutes. Now, as I told the kids, Esther wasn't really anyone pre-Queen. She was a beautiful girl who'd lost both parents and had been raised by her cousin Mordecai. She had a pleasant demeanor and gentle spirit, and because of these things plus her beauty, the King found favor in her.

She was created beautiful so a King would fall in love with her so she could one day save a nation.

That just struck me in such a huge, thunderous kind of way. I told the kids last night that they were all created to be who they are "for such a time as this." There are things they can do that I'll never be able to do. There are things I can do that they'll never be able to do. I told them that I firmly believe with everything in me that they can change the world if they just have the courage. Yes, we don't have a monarchy so it's very likely that none of them will ever be in that kind of situation, but... We serve a crazy awesome God. We serve an extremely creative God who works out the strangest circumstances for His glory.

Esther had so much courage... When she went to see her husband, she knew there was a chance she could be killed unless he waved the royal scepter at her. Back in the day it was actually illegal to just go see the king without being summoned, so she had a lot at stake. And because of her beauty and her demeanor, the King not only waved the scepter at her but also offered her up to 1/2 of his kingdom if it's what she wanted.

I was created "for such a time as this." Now, I don't know when exactly that sentiment will be true, but it IS going to be true. I've got a special purpose in my life, as do you, whether you accept it or not.

Cheers,
A Redhead

Abba help me to have courage like Esther. Help me to realize that what I see as mediocre can be used for your glory.

Esther 4:14 (NIRV)
"Who knows? It's possible that you became queen for a time just like this."

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life

Meet my pooch, Storm. He's pretty much the coolest quadruped I know.
Today I was at lunch with a dear friend of mine and she admitted that she "stalked" me and read back through my blog. My heart rate sped up a bit as I pondered what I'd blogged about over the last couple of years. That stopped almost as quickly as it started, because really, she already knew most if not all of those things already anyway. =)

I like that.

I like that God has managed to blow my puny little brain matter yet again by giving me such awesome friends. If you've a) kept up with this blog as I've done it over the years, or b) gone back through and read it, then you know that I fairly well crave people. That was one of my biggest fears of moving back home to VA, was not having friends. Because really, at the time, I had very few friends here (not that they weren't amazing!). I decided to peruse through my blog entries (hence why I'm still awake instead of being in bed an hour ago like I promised I would...) and as I read I felt so many emotions it was like a teen movie: sadness, excitement, happiness, anger, frustration, joy... The whole gang of emotions was there. Memories swelled up in me as I read back through entry after entry of hurt and hope, depression & God's faithfulness, words spoken to me and over me that I had since forgotten. . .

I'm still doing the Daniel Fast, and I've already lost 4 pounds since Tuesday! I feel like I might actually get a handle on my life this time. And by my life I mean my weight. But things seem different this time. I don't crave sugar right now. I don't crave fried food. I don't crave much of anything. If I'm hungry I eat fruit or veggies or organic Multigrain chips (SO good!). I've been finding great recipes online. God is doing something big with me and my health. It's unfortunate that I did the whole bulimia thing for so long- eating healthy and exercising regularly isn't as hard/awful as I used to think it was. Don't get me wrong; I would not trade my eating disorder & depressive years for anything. Sounds strange, but it's true. Think of the people that I can now relate to because of my experiences. There's no way I'd have been able to do something like that if I hadn't gone through what I've gone through.

I'm thankful for friends who push me to do things (Daniel fast & exercising). I'm thankful for friends who pour into my life and build me up with legitimate, fulfilling words of affirmation. I'm thankful for a family who loves me and supports me. I'm thankful for leadership opportunities in ministry even though they're not paid. I'm thankful for an amazing job that has allowed me to buy a car and pay off my credit card.

I'm thankful for God being a breathtakingly beautiful God.

I'm thankful beyond measure that my parents are attending Dave Ramsey's financial peace class at church. As in my unsaved father is going to church every week.

I'm thankful for a God that doesn't do things in a conventional manner.

"You are more, You are more, than my words will ever say.
You are Lord, You are Lord, all creation will proclaim.
You are here, You are here, in Your presence I'm made whole.
You are God, You are God, of all else I'm letting go."

Psalms 33:21 "In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name."

Actually, I'm doing pretty good!

So it's been awhile since my word vomit all over my blog. Thankfully, it's been long enough that I have lovely and excellent news to report!

I'm ok!

Yep. True story.

In the last blog, I think I'd really hit my low point with the sickness and all that nonsense, and finally accepting that I wasn't ok is what ultimately helped me to be ok. After that I started praying more and begging God to pull me out of the muck I'd found myself stuck in, and apparently begging works! :) I started to smile more, my illness (still unknown what exactly it was..) was getting better, I slept a ton. I started to feel like myself again. I felt that joy that I know is usually so prevalent in my life come seeping back in like an old friend. Love & warmth from God draped over my sick body like a fuzzy blanket.

I felt radiant, for lack of a better word. I knew I started to feel better when I took the time to put together an outfit that had layers and required effort and high heels! For almost two months prior I had wanted to live in jeans and flats. And here I was! Posing in front of my full-length mirror making sure the heels looked good with the skirt and tights. I was me again. :)

Starting in 6 days, I will be doing the Daniel Fast. Basically going vegan plus no sugar/caffeine/"pleasant foods". I'm really excited, actually! A dear friend of mine in PA (hey girl heyyyy!) did it and was raving about the results she's been having. Not just physical results (because the girl's lost 20 lbs!) but also the spiritual and emotional results. This sounds like just what I need: I love myself and I have confidence, but I just want to be healthier. I want to be able to chase after kids at church, or even after my own when the time comes, without getting winded or coughing. I don't want to have a difficult time finding clothes that fit me at stores. I can't keep blaming designers for not making clothes my size, when really it's me who's the problem in being this size.

Again, don't get me wrong- I'm a big fan of me. A much bigger fan than I used to be [pun not intended. ha!]. I just want to be healthy. And I want to swing dance for hours without my face turning bright red.

From March 1-31st, I'll be doing the Daniel Fast with 2 other friends, and another friend who's giving up coffee. I'm excited. Pumped, even! I'm taking control of my own body. We'll be going to zumba and hopefully to the gym more often. In fact, I even went to the gym last night! Look at me go! =) And just for fun, we're calling it "March Madness 2011". Don't tell basketball fans!

Please pray with me as I do this though; I'm not expecting it to be easy and I've never been great with moderation. That's why I'm hoping the "cold turkey" method will cut it. I think this will be good though, I think I might be on the process of changing my life for the better.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body"

No, actually, I'm not ok.

I'm doing this media fast for the week so basically that's no internet (outside of work of course), no movies, no TV, nada. I have been checking my Gmail, but only to delete stuff that's coming in- I'm not actually reading anything.

I've been sick since the week before Christmas. This is 5 weeks now. I'm pretty much over it, but I still have some lingering affects (congesting, coughing, fatigue...) and I'm still not emotionally back up to 100%. I've come to realize this past week that being sick for a prolonged amount of time has sent me spiraling down into a pit of depression that I don't normally see. I'm a very chill, even-tempered person. In the last 5 weeks I've been moody, cranky, easily angered, and internally just a jerk. Numerous plans have been cancelled due to illness/weather issues, and the resulting spot is me sitting at home doing virtually nothing for 5 weeks. Excluding last week where I did actually go to 2 separate places (Florida & Williamsburg, respectively), I've been out twice in the last 5 weeks.

Twice.

I normally go out at a bare minimum twice a week.

Please understand now the depths of my despair. I feel like my soul is being sucked out through Nyquil and effervescent tablets. Like my life has become something in a shrink wrapped package: generic and dull. I hate it. I hate me. I don't like who I am anymore. I see pictures of myself from college and pictures of myself from recently and I wonder who that smiling girl is. I feel like I don't even recognize her anymore. She had a radiance and a joy that I feel like I just don't have. I feel. . . nothing, really. I don't feel much of anything actually.

This past Sunday at my young adults group I was honored by a friend of mine in front of everyone else. As I sat there listening to him share our story of what happened one fateful night a year ago, I felt a faint nudging in my heart saying "See, you're not as sucky of a person as you think you are." Since I've been doing my fast this week I've also only been listening to worship music. I'm trying to pull myself out of this depression.

I want out. I want to smile. I want to feel like this pressure's off my chest. I want to feel again. I want to walk in the halls of my work places and have the confidence of my Heavenly creator bounding through me.

For now I feel like I'm slowly pulling myself out of a thick, amorphous sludge. Something that's gradually being peeled off, but is still being resistent. I need prayer. I need people. I need encouragement. I need my Abba God.

Lord, help?