Unbreakable

I've decided to adopt this as my life's song.

"Unbreakable" by Fireflight

Where are the people that accused me?

The ones who beat me down and bruised me.

They hide just out of sight,

can't face me in the light.

They'll return but I'll be stronger. 

God I want to dream again,

take me where I've never been.

I want to go there,

this time I'm not scared.

Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable

No one can touch me,

nothing can stop me.

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going,

but faith is moving without knowing.

Can I trust what I can't see?

To reach my destiny,

I want to take control but I know better. 

God I want to dream again,

take me where I've never been.

I want to go there.

This time I'm not scared.

Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable.

No one can touch me.

Nothing can stop me.

Forget the fear it's just a crutch

that tries to hold you back,

and turn your dreams to dust.

All you need to do is just trust.

God I want to dream again (I want to dream again)

Take me where I've never been

I want to go there (I want to go there)

This time I'm not scared.

Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable (I am unbreakable)

No one can touch me (no one can touch me)

Nothing can stop me. 

Hit me with your best shot. . . Fire away.

Today in chapel the speaker was talking about 1 Samuel 14. He was saying how the Philistines were mocking Jonathan and his armor bearer by telling them to come up to the top of the mountain and "hit them with their best shot" (thank you Pat Benatar). He had us ponder what enemy is at the top of our mountain. What's at the top going "Go ahead, gimme the best you got. You can't do it."

What's my enemy?

I thought about it, and I realized it's my own doubt. It's my own faithlessness. It's Coloring For A Cure. It's Graduation. It's. . . Me.

I'm at the top saying "You can't do it- you'll just fail. You're going to tank and fail. Don't bother trying. Just give up before you embarrass yourself."

I'm so good at knocking myself down and making sure I don't try hard enough. I'm so good at doubting and not having enough faith in myself. I'm so good at thinking my ideas are stupid and that I'm just a simpleton. I'm not a very theological person; I'm ok with this and it's not a big deal- so what if I'm not some deep thinking theo studies major? I love God. I try hard. I make as much effort as I can to be a good person. I pray regularly for people. Yet for some reason I get around some people and I knock myself down because I feel like I need to be this person that I'm not. 

Anyway. I'm so good at ruining myself. I'm at the top of this huge mountain, looking down going "You can't do it Ashley. Just stop trying. All you're good at is make-up; just stick with that. No one thinks you can do anything of value." Or the ever-so-classic: "You're worthless. You're broken and damaged goods. No man is going to want you. You messed up too bad." 

Today God brought to mind some stuff that he laid on my heart last semester: wonderful things like "God is bigger than your circumstances" or "Expect God to move and He will." It was a blessing today in chapel. It was hard looking at myself at the top of the mountain and emotionally rolling up my sleeves, getting a look of steely determination, and keep on going. It was hard to tell myself to shut up and that I was wrong. I didn't feel released from chapel until probably 11:40, when normally I'll leave at 11:15ish. I felt like God was just telling me to breathe and expect Him to move. Somehow I got so caught up in my own circumstances that I forgot how much bigger God is than all of my petty crap. Granted He still cares and hurts with me about my petty stuff, but at the same time I need to remember how it's not eternal and Jesus is. 

I fall. I get bruised, scraped, battered, torn up, I bleed, and I may whine and complain the whole way, but dangit I will keep going. I'll keep defying my own expectations and my own standards of who I am because God is revealing more and more about myself. I have amazing friends and wonderful parents that support me and love me. I don't need that negative, pessimistic side of me. 

Abba thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your affirmation that You are bigger than my problems. Thank you for reminding me that You'll move if I expect you to. 

"Faith is the realness of all we hope for, something we can hold on to even when we can't see it." Hebrews 11:1

Depression

I'm amazed at how quickly it's come back. I legitimately feel depressed again. I feel hurt and wounded and broken and miserable, and all the while I want someone to hold me and tell me I'm beautiful and worth something. 

I feel like I'm confined in this box and I can't get out. For awhile I was thinking maybe it was my table I sit at or the people I hang out with, but now I realize it's not and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be truly happy again. I remember what it was like to feel like that, and I want it back. I read Job today during chapel and I was literally feeling suicidal midway. Reading the Bible. In chapel. Suicidal. Go figure. But it was Job essentially crying out asking God why He was ignoring Him and turning a deaf ear to him despite Job's faithfulness, and that's how I felt. I felt like scared, sick 16 year old redhead again who used to hate herself and her life. The worst part? Most people have no idea. Most people have no idea that just because I smile for a little bit doesn't mean I'm happy. Most people don't bother asking. Most people don't hug me and mean anything; it's just to hug someone. 

I hate this right now.

Abba wrap your arms around me please. I won't make it otherwise. 

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek Him always."  Psalms 105:4

Hmmmm. . . .

I just realized that I'm really good at keeping a lot of people out.

But then I'm also really good at being too trusting.

I'm my own paradox.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Those were my thoughts during a class of mine. I was sitting there and realized that while I do have several confidants (and levels of confidants within that), I'm also really good at keeping people at an arm's length away from me. I can name a few people off the top of my head that 1) seem like they'd be good confidants and/or 2) have offered to spend more time with me to hang out or get to know me or whatever, but I'm weary of such things with certain people. It scares me to be honest with so many people. It scares me that there are at exactly 4 people on this campus that I see on a regular basis that know parts of my past that most others don't know. But at the same time I'm OK with that; there are 2 guys that know and 2 girls that know and still love me and support me. Granted it's good for people to have someone to confide in, otherwise you'll explode, but other times I feel like maybe I'm too honest. Can you be too honest? I mean I don't tell everyone everything. . . There is 1 person on this campus that knows EVERYTHING. That means she knows probably 2 secrets that others don't. And honestly they're secrets I didn't even want to tell her, but they were part of the series of dots being connected when I told her a bigger secret. 

Anyway. 

I think part of me is scared because I lay my heart out on the table for people and it lays there: bruised, swollen, discolored, and seemingly held together by scotch tape and band-aids, and I don't want them to add to it's already deformed state. I'm being worked on by my Abba, and I know I'm in a restoration process right now, but the whole vulnerability thing still scares me. 

For now, as broken as my heart is, I know that God's cleaning things up and fixing me until I'm who He wanted me to originally be. And hey, I pretty much live by the same sentiment as Brad Davis shared in chapel years ago: "I want to tell stories of my own." 

You can't have good stories without  some good bruising. 

Abba help me to establish my own sort of boundaries. Help me to open up to those who are good enough, and guard my heart at the same time. Help me to not shut down those who don't deserve it. 

"Be confident of this... that He who began a good work in you will carry it on until it's finished and you're completed when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6

Nothing is impossible for You.

*Inspired by a vision of a friend I just had*

Sweat poured off his brow. His breathing was tense and haggard as he struggled to stand back up. His palms were scratched up and there was a slight wobble to his knees as he fought to defeat the fatigue that was overtaking him. He slumped back down for a brief second before throwing his gaze into the sky and staring up with a steely determination in his eyes. With a surge of adrenaline, hope, and a slight growl he forced himself onto his two feet. 

There he stood- the sun's rays shining behind him emanating a glow that seemed ethereal. The warrior was bleeding from seemingly everywhere; yet a slight smile formed at his mouth. Sweat had made his hair cling to his scalp and dirt to his face and hands, yet he never looked better. The last rays of the sun framed the injured warrior as he stood there, arms by his side, breathing in a somewhat more stable manner. "This tower can not be shaken," he murmured through cracked lips. This time as he fell to his knees it wasn't in defeat, but in a sign of humility before his heavenly Father, thanking Him yet again for the strength to get up again. His breathing slowed more to a restful pace, and as he whispered praises and love to his Abba, his God, he fell asleep when the sun did. 

Abba thank you for friends that inspire me and make me want to be a better person.

"Commit yourself to God, and you will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

He's still working on me. . .

"How loving and patient He must be, 'cuz He's still working on me..."

That's pretty much how I feel right now. Most of the time I feel like I'm a good person, but then certain situations arise and I see how others handle them and I wish I could be that mature. I see a few of my friends handle situations with grace and compassion whereas I want to pop up and take action with anger or frustration. I didn't use to be like this? . . . . I think, anyway. 

Some of my friends don't get heated up (visually anyway) and they will be rational and talk through whatever the situation is with whatever person it involves. Some of my friends will give second chances and not hold grudges. Why can't I do that? Why do I get angry or hold grudges so quickly? I want to be a better person. I want to be like my wonderful, compassionate, understanding friends. 

Abba teach me to love people as You love people. Teach me to respond with compassion, love, and even empathy. Teach me Father.

"This is the confidence we have in getting close to God. . . . that if we ask Him for anything according to His will, He listens to us." 1 John 5:14

The sun is shining, the sky is blue, I love Jesus and I love you. . .

It's a good day (GREAT DAY!) for praising the Lord!

Anyone else reminded of this song on a beautiful day like that? I know I am. . . 

I walk outside and see the beautiful sky with puffy clouds, feel the rush of a cool breeze, and the gentle sun warming my pale skin. My feet are bare as I walk along the paths and feel the cool earth beneath my toes. My smile is small but inside it's ear-to-ear and I feel a song in my heart and a dance in my feet. I feel alive. I feel beautiful. I feel regenerated by such a day. My Abba God knows how desperately some of us needed weather like this, including myself. It's a beautiful change from the cold (albeit sunny) days. There's pure life in this kind of weather. There was even smokey wood smell that seemed almost out of place on a day that didn't need a fire, but the smell was so delicious it fit in just fine. 

Abba I thank you for a beautiful day and for feeling alive. 

"May all my being praise the Lord and never forget His blessings- God satisfies all I desire with everything good so that my youth is fresh like an eagle's spirit." Psalms 103:2,5

It all came rushing back. . .

It was an innocent grocery shopping trip between me and a friend. We were hanging out, goofing off about different scents from shampoo to deodorant. Then I saw it. . . 

The green glass bottle with a black screw-top lid that I'd seen every summer for years since I was a little girl, watching it be applied to a stubbled cheek. The silver text on the front was just proclaiming the scent of "men" yet to me it was ominous and for some reason I had to smell it. I had to; it almost drew me to it. However the second I did I wished I hadn't. . . I was thrown back through the years and felt scared and wanted to cry. I put it down and put my hand to my mouth, feeling sick that I had smelled it. It was a scent I hadn't smelled in 3 years and I was ok with that. My friend could tell I was upset so we found a new aisle to harass. Candy seemed to be working until I stood there, my insides churning, hot tears starting to well up inside of me, and I confessed to my friend my reaction. I explained in the vaguest sense what I was feeling and why without going into too many details. He listened and then just hugged me and held me for a minute. It was a safe feeling, which is something I desperately needed given my confession. 

It's so strange. . . Sometimes I want to be angry about parts of my childhood. Sometimes I want to lash out and complain and do stupid things that could probably be justified by a few moments in my past. Most of the time I wish there wasn't "a few moments." I used to think there wasn't anything wrong about what had happened; given the parties involved and the familiarity it seemed OK even though at 5 years old I could still tell something was wrong. That scares me most of the time because it makes me wonder if it will affect me in ways I don't know about later. I know my claustrophobia is partially caused by such things, which I don't tell most people because it's perfectly acceptable to say "I'm claustrophobic. I don't like feeling constrained or like I can't get out of a space." For a period of time I was bitter towards God (and I mean it was in 2008) that something like this would happen and it wasn't fair that I never seemed to have a shot at being pure and being clean. However after much prayer and shouting and listening to a close girl friend, God really revealed to me that these were just speed bumps like everything else. They were just more things I had to overcome and grow through. 

I'm so tired. I feel physically and emotionally drained. 

Abba help me to remember you've made me pure in your eyes. Help me to remember I am clean, no matter what's happened to me. 

"If anyone is in Christ, [s]he comes new all over again." 2 Corinthians 5:17

Confidence?

My picture is smiling because I feel like smiling. I wrote a sermon on inner joy for kid's church tomorrow and it made me remember my own personal inner joy. 

I finished my credentialing exam around 9:20 a.m. after starting it at 8:30 a.m.. 75 questions, 1 ministry inventory, 1 calling sheet, and 1 testimony sheet and 50 minutes later and I walked up with mixed feelings. Honestly I feel like I did well even though there were a few questions that I had little to no idea of. I'm always wary of saying I did well because then I don't always do great. Somehow I still have an my inner joy though. That's gotta be God. Let's be real here. I think I do finally feel a sense of relief, knowing my exam is out of the way and my sermon's taken care of. I feel like hugging everyone. I feel like jumping for joy. I feel like. . . Really good. 

Sounds silly but I do. This started the other night and has kind of been working it's way up this whole week I just didn't see it coming. I've got a couple of friends who (probably got sick of me feeling blah and complaining) have really poured into me and said uplifting things. I even thought back to myself feeling like this and yearned for it to come back and I felt like I didn't know how to get it again. The other night on my "Let it be" blog,  I realized I keep saying how God's never let me down and I've never been disappointed by anything God's done, but I don't think I ever really believed it. I finally started believing it. I feel joyful. I have no worries about graduation. Whatever happens will happen. Jesus knows. 

I'm also not a blah person like I've been thinking/feeling. I am appreciated despite my previous whinings. I'm so blessed and so loved by my family and friends (new and old). The amount of prayer over me just over my credentialing exam? Oh it was glorious and ridiculous. Everyone was amazingly encouraging and excited for me and proud of me. 

Abba thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for giving me amazing friends that love me and pray for me. 

"Give all your concerns to the Lord, and He will keep you going; He'll never allow a life that's lived right to fail." Psalms 55:22

16 year old redhead scares me. . .

I just found this on an old blog of mine. It makes my heart sad and reaffirms that I want to work with teenage girls so they don't have to do this. . . :\

"BUT. here's what I'll do. if I get hungry, I'll just steam some cauliflower. maybe put a bit of spray butter on it, and we'll all be happy! yay! I complained about being a pig and crap in my last entry, but I dont feckin do anything about it. Im gonna work out more, and eat less, and purge more. pop some more pills, and we'll all be happy! yay me! =)"  my OpenDiary account from 7/3/2003

(The pills were apple cider vinegar pills, which I had heard would increase your metabolism if you took them regularly.)

Again Abba, thank you for your faithfulness. <3

Let It Be, let it be. . .

I've noticed that for the last couple of days I've been rather melancholy. Around my friends I feel wonderful and happy and full of life, but then it's me and my thoughts and I feel panicked, dismayed, and mildly depressed. I find myself wishing for meaningful compliments from friends instead of seeking my validation through God again. I find myself freaking out about graduation plans when God has done nothing but be completely faithful to me in the past. What's my problem?

. . . I have no idea.

Why can't I just shut my mouth and let God do His bidding? Have I yet to be disappointed? Have I yet to be let down? This whole year at school has just been so different. Last semester it seemed different in a wonderful kind of way. That was in the beginning, and I really think emotionally it was the worst semester I've had since fall 2005. With Chris committing suicide, other horrendous (like beyond regular "girl drama") things on my floor, I felt drained. I started checking out. This semester I feel like maybe I'm just being spiritually attacked. There's a bunch of [stupid girl drama] things going on on my floor which there wasn't last year, and being the RA I have to fix everything. I feel like I'm in a taffy puller sometimes, being pushed and pulled until I'm a weird gelatinous blob. If God's doing it, by all means have fun and see what happens. But I just feel drained these days. The last 2 days I've cried possibly 6 times. . . I was talking to a dear friend of mine and I told him "I know it sounds like I cry a lot, but I swear I don't!" And I don't! For some reason though, the water works have been on full gear. . . 

I was talking to a girl friend of mine and I had a realization that I have to physically remove myself from the area to preserve my friendships. If I stay in the area, there'll be some sort of weird tension because I'll meet new people, my friends will meet new people, and there'll be the whole thing about being so close yet never hanging out. Plus I don't want to be that girl that comes back to visit every single weekend. No one wants that. I have to completely remove myself from the VF scene. I was telling friends about it last night and [big surprise] I started to cry. (Seriously, why all the crying this semester?!?!?!) 

I need to quite whining and start trusting. 

Abba forgive me for not trusting. Help me to somehow learn patience. Forgive me for my funk. Save me from myself. Je t'aime mon Dieu, mon amore. 

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." 

Psalm 9:10

I hate banks.

Sometimes I beg God to send me a check in the mail. 

I feel like my life would be significantly less stressful if that was the case.

Past words = Present hope

One time when I was 15 someone told me that I have the gift of joy. Honestly this came as a complete shock to seeing as I was in the throes of depression and an eating disorder that had me lying to my most beloved family and friends. 

Another time when I was 16 a close family friend told me to surrender my life to Jesus completely since my mum and I were fighting. It's funny; my mom and I are so alike we fight on a semi-regular basis. It used to be really bad because I was convinced I was right, as most 16 year olds think they are. (Redhead's note: I forgot to tie this in because the woman who e-mailed me also was encouraging me to become a woman of God and surrender all to Him. I forgot to mention that though before. I promise it fits in. :o) )

This past semester (Fall '08), my friend Chris committed suicide. The day before I left home to go be with friends that knew him, I got 2 of the most amazing and precious things that are now tucked safely into my prayer journal. Ironically it was from sisters, and I still never asked if they knew the other was going to give me something. From one was a letter telling me how much she was touched when she saw me praying in worship chapel, and how I was a woman of God and that I should just let God carry me on a regular basis. I cried after read it. The other was actually a painting that in purple says across the front: "Paint Love Across the Sky" with a brushed purple background. I cried even harder when I got that one. It was pretty much about how I prayed over her when she first got to the school and it confirmed things that God had been speaking into her life. 

We had an authenticity chapel at school about a week ago, and it was about being real and authentic and now, 5 days later, I'm thinking something inside of me seriously broke. How is it that a popular, (attractive? That's a strange thing for me to say) funny, goofy, Homecoming queen college student feels empty and alone inside? 

I have amazing friends, don't get me wrong. But I feel like a lot of the compliments I receive (albeit are wonderful) are shallow: "your make-up looks AMAZING!", or "wow you look pretty today!" or maybe complimenting a necklace I've made. I appreciate them; I truly do. But sometimes I wish, nay, crave a compliment that has to do with who I am as a person. Do I show God's love like I feel it? Am I a nice person? I mean I know these things, but it's different from knowing and hearing. I reached a depression about this to a point where over Christmas break I had to ask my mom to give me some love in that regard. I was embarrassed and ashamed and still kind of am that I had to ask my mom for that. 

I'm an RA on my campus, and I know a ton of people in several different walks of life. I love to love on people and pour out happiness and joy and whatever else have you on them, but I'm left feeling empty because I feel like I don't get poured back into. I'm equally embarrassed by this because I feel like I should just enjoy the love of God I have and His wonders, but aren't we supposed to build up the body? I constantly look through those letters I mentioned before just for a piece of hope that someone noticed something, and someone appreciated me. I try not to think of things like this, because honestly it could quickly become a foothold in my life to allow my former depression to come creeping in.

Or perhaps I'm just a rambling redhead again. Go figure. 

The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life. Proverbs 10:11