It all came rushing back. . .

It was an innocent grocery shopping trip between me and a friend. We were hanging out, goofing off about different scents from shampoo to deodorant. Then I saw it. . . 

The green glass bottle with a black screw-top lid that I'd seen every summer for years since I was a little girl, watching it be applied to a stubbled cheek. The silver text on the front was just proclaiming the scent of "men" yet to me it was ominous and for some reason I had to smell it. I had to; it almost drew me to it. However the second I did I wished I hadn't. . . I was thrown back through the years and felt scared and wanted to cry. I put it down and put my hand to my mouth, feeling sick that I had smelled it. It was a scent I hadn't smelled in 3 years and I was ok with that. My friend could tell I was upset so we found a new aisle to harass. Candy seemed to be working until I stood there, my insides churning, hot tears starting to well up inside of me, and I confessed to my friend my reaction. I explained in the vaguest sense what I was feeling and why without going into too many details. He listened and then just hugged me and held me for a minute. It was a safe feeling, which is something I desperately needed given my confession. 

It's so strange. . . Sometimes I want to be angry about parts of my childhood. Sometimes I want to lash out and complain and do stupid things that could probably be justified by a few moments in my past. Most of the time I wish there wasn't "a few moments." I used to think there wasn't anything wrong about what had happened; given the parties involved and the familiarity it seemed OK even though at 5 years old I could still tell something was wrong. That scares me most of the time because it makes me wonder if it will affect me in ways I don't know about later. I know my claustrophobia is partially caused by such things, which I don't tell most people because it's perfectly acceptable to say "I'm claustrophobic. I don't like feeling constrained or like I can't get out of a space." For a period of time I was bitter towards God (and I mean it was in 2008) that something like this would happen and it wasn't fair that I never seemed to have a shot at being pure and being clean. However after much prayer and shouting and listening to a close girl friend, God really revealed to me that these were just speed bumps like everything else. They were just more things I had to overcome and grow through. 

I'm so tired. I feel physically and emotionally drained. 

Abba help me to remember you've made me pure in your eyes. Help me to remember I am clean, no matter what's happened to me. 

"If anyone is in Christ, [s]he comes new all over again." 2 Corinthians 5:17