Depression

I'm amazed at how quickly it's come back. I legitimately feel depressed again. I feel hurt and wounded and broken and miserable, and all the while I want someone to hold me and tell me I'm beautiful and worth something. 

I feel like I'm confined in this box and I can't get out. For awhile I was thinking maybe it was my table I sit at or the people I hang out with, but now I realize it's not and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be truly happy again. I remember what it was like to feel like that, and I want it back. I read Job today during chapel and I was literally feeling suicidal midway. Reading the Bible. In chapel. Suicidal. Go figure. But it was Job essentially crying out asking God why He was ignoring Him and turning a deaf ear to him despite Job's faithfulness, and that's how I felt. I felt like scared, sick 16 year old redhead again who used to hate herself and her life. The worst part? Most people have no idea. Most people have no idea that just because I smile for a little bit doesn't mean I'm happy. Most people don't bother asking. Most people don't hug me and mean anything; it's just to hug someone. 

I hate this right now.

Abba wrap your arms around me please. I won't make it otherwise. 

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek Him always."  Psalms 105:4