Past words = Present hope

One time when I was 15 someone told me that I have the gift of joy. Honestly this came as a complete shock to seeing as I was in the throes of depression and an eating disorder that had me lying to my most beloved family and friends. 

Another time when I was 16 a close family friend told me to surrender my life to Jesus completely since my mum and I were fighting. It's funny; my mom and I are so alike we fight on a semi-regular basis. It used to be really bad because I was convinced I was right, as most 16 year olds think they are. (Redhead's note: I forgot to tie this in because the woman who e-mailed me also was encouraging me to become a woman of God and surrender all to Him. I forgot to mention that though before. I promise it fits in. :o) )

This past semester (Fall '08), my friend Chris committed suicide. The day before I left home to go be with friends that knew him, I got 2 of the most amazing and precious things that are now tucked safely into my prayer journal. Ironically it was from sisters, and I still never asked if they knew the other was going to give me something. From one was a letter telling me how much she was touched when she saw me praying in worship chapel, and how I was a woman of God and that I should just let God carry me on a regular basis. I cried after read it. The other was actually a painting that in purple says across the front: "Paint Love Across the Sky" with a brushed purple background. I cried even harder when I got that one. It was pretty much about how I prayed over her when she first got to the school and it confirmed things that God had been speaking into her life. 

We had an authenticity chapel at school about a week ago, and it was about being real and authentic and now, 5 days later, I'm thinking something inside of me seriously broke. How is it that a popular, (attractive? That's a strange thing for me to say) funny, goofy, Homecoming queen college student feels empty and alone inside? 

I have amazing friends, don't get me wrong. But I feel like a lot of the compliments I receive (albeit are wonderful) are shallow: "your make-up looks AMAZING!", or "wow you look pretty today!" or maybe complimenting a necklace I've made. I appreciate them; I truly do. But sometimes I wish, nay, crave a compliment that has to do with who I am as a person. Do I show God's love like I feel it? Am I a nice person? I mean I know these things, but it's different from knowing and hearing. I reached a depression about this to a point where over Christmas break I had to ask my mom to give me some love in that regard. I was embarrassed and ashamed and still kind of am that I had to ask my mom for that. 

I'm an RA on my campus, and I know a ton of people in several different walks of life. I love to love on people and pour out happiness and joy and whatever else have you on them, but I'm left feeling empty because I feel like I don't get poured back into. I'm equally embarrassed by this because I feel like I should just enjoy the love of God I have and His wonders, but aren't we supposed to build up the body? I constantly look through those letters I mentioned before just for a piece of hope that someone noticed something, and someone appreciated me. I try not to think of things like this, because honestly it could quickly become a foothold in my life to allow my former depression to come creeping in.

Or perhaps I'm just a rambling redhead again. Go figure. 

The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life. Proverbs 10:11