Hit me with your best shot. . . Fire away.

Today in chapel the speaker was talking about 1 Samuel 14. He was saying how the Philistines were mocking Jonathan and his armor bearer by telling them to come up to the top of the mountain and "hit them with their best shot" (thank you Pat Benatar). He had us ponder what enemy is at the top of our mountain. What's at the top going "Go ahead, gimme the best you got. You can't do it."

What's my enemy?

I thought about it, and I realized it's my own doubt. It's my own faithlessness. It's Coloring For A Cure. It's Graduation. It's. . . Me.

I'm at the top saying "You can't do it- you'll just fail. You're going to tank and fail. Don't bother trying. Just give up before you embarrass yourself."

I'm so good at knocking myself down and making sure I don't try hard enough. I'm so good at doubting and not having enough faith in myself. I'm so good at thinking my ideas are stupid and that I'm just a simpleton. I'm not a very theological person; I'm ok with this and it's not a big deal- so what if I'm not some deep thinking theo studies major? I love God. I try hard. I make as much effort as I can to be a good person. I pray regularly for people. Yet for some reason I get around some people and I knock myself down because I feel like I need to be this person that I'm not. 

Anyway. I'm so good at ruining myself. I'm at the top of this huge mountain, looking down going "You can't do it Ashley. Just stop trying. All you're good at is make-up; just stick with that. No one thinks you can do anything of value." Or the ever-so-classic: "You're worthless. You're broken and damaged goods. No man is going to want you. You messed up too bad." 

Today God brought to mind some stuff that he laid on my heart last semester: wonderful things like "God is bigger than your circumstances" or "Expect God to move and He will." It was a blessing today in chapel. It was hard looking at myself at the top of the mountain and emotionally rolling up my sleeves, getting a look of steely determination, and keep on going. It was hard to tell myself to shut up and that I was wrong. I didn't feel released from chapel until probably 11:40, when normally I'll leave at 11:15ish. I felt like God was just telling me to breathe and expect Him to move. Somehow I got so caught up in my own circumstances that I forgot how much bigger God is than all of my petty crap. Granted He still cares and hurts with me about my petty stuff, but at the same time I need to remember how it's not eternal and Jesus is. 

I fall. I get bruised, scraped, battered, torn up, I bleed, and I may whine and complain the whole way, but dangit I will keep going. I'll keep defying my own expectations and my own standards of who I am because God is revealing more and more about myself. I have amazing friends and wonderful parents that support me and love me. I don't need that negative, pessimistic side of me. 

Abba thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your affirmation that You are bigger than my problems. Thank you for reminding me that You'll move if I expect you to. 

"Faith is the realness of all we hope for, something we can hold on to even when we can't see it." Hebrews 11:1