I've noticed that for the last couple of days I've been rather melancholy. Around my friends I feel wonderful and happy and full of life, but then it's me and my thoughts and I feel panicked, dismayed, and mildly depressed. I find myself wishing for meaningful compliments from friends instead of seeking my validation through God again. I find myself freaking out about graduation plans when God has done nothing but be completely faithful to me in the past. What's my problem?. . . I have no idea.
Why can't I just shut my mouth and let God do His bidding? Have I yet to be disappointed? Have I yet to be let down? This whole year at school has just been so different. Last semester it seemed different in a wonderful kind of way. That was in the beginning, and I really think emotionally it was the worst semester I've had since fall 2005. With Chris committing suicide, other horrendous (like beyond regular "girl drama") things on my floor, I felt drained. I started checking out. This semester I feel like maybe I'm just being spiritually attacked. There's a bunch of [stupid girl drama] things going on on my floor which there wasn't last year, and being the RA I have to fix everything. I feel like I'm in a taffy puller sometimes, being pushed and pulled until I'm a weird gelatinous blob. If God's doing it, by all means have fun and see what happens. But I just feel drained these days. The last 2 days I've cried possibly 6 times. . . I was talking to a dear friend of mine and I told him "I know it sounds like I cry a lot, but I swear I don't!" And I don't! For some reason though, the water works have been on full gear. . .
I was talking to a girl friend of mine and I had a realization that I have to physically remove myself from the area to preserve my friendships. If I stay in the area, there'll be some sort of weird tension because I'll meet new people, my friends will meet new people, and there'll be the whole thing about being so close yet never hanging out. Plus I don't want to be that girl that comes back to visit every single weekend. No one wants that. I have to completely remove myself from the VF scene. I was telling friends about it last night and [big surprise] I started to cry. (Seriously, why all the crying this semester?!?!?!)
I need to quite whining and start trusting.
Abba forgive me for not trusting. Help me to somehow learn patience. Forgive me for my funk. Save me from myself. Je t'aime mon Dieu, mon amore.
"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
Psalm 9:10
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