"The greatest love of all is mine"

Well hellooo blogger! Notice anything different? Oh! Yes! A nose piercing! It's not the only thing that's different. My life has literally kicked into high gear since my last post. Once I got home from that wedding in August, I started my job September 8th, then started co-teaching a 4 year old Rainbows class at church.

Let me tell you, I've been crazy busy but loving my life. :) I've made some incredible new friends at church that are all fairly new to the church itself, so it's really pretty perfect timing. I never saw myself as a 4 yr olds teacher, but I have to admit that I love it. :) My co-teacher is incredible and has become a great friend through all this. Plus I just love my kids. Seriously they're adorable. We have between 12 and 16 kids a week, and for the most part they're wonderful little kids. Granted they have their moments, but they're 4, what do you expect?

My job's going really well. :) I feel like I'm picking stuff up at a decent rate, but I still worry about doing things wrong. I'm new so I suppose that's normal. My co-workers are pretty great for the most part. There's one guy who's a snot, but apparently *no one* in the office likes him. Which I actually find really sad. . . But he's one of those people that doesn't seem to help the situation either.

Me and God. . . We're doing good. :) I'm making an effort to better my life lately, in health and spirit. I'm going to start eating better and working out. Because of my crap knee though I think I'm going to start swimming at the gym. Hopefully that will go well, I want to *feel* good. I don't even care what weight I am, I just want to be healthy. God's been teaching me a lot lately. Specifically when it comes to men folk. =P I've been praying for my future hubby, both that I meet him quickly and that he's doing well. I don't even feel like I *need* a husband, I just want one. And I'd like him sooner rather than later. But I feel like God wants me to prepare myself for a guy. I don't know who or where he is, but I want God's timing with everything. I'm really excited. :)

I think I'm at a good place in my life, and I think it's by the grace of God. My biggest concern with moving back home was having friends, and I seriously have amazing friends here. My 23rd birthday was this past Wednesday, and I had 12 fabulous people playing laser tag with me. :) There would have been more but they couldn't come for a myriad of reasons. I'm not trying to brag at all, I'm trying to show how faithful God's been to me. I'm a happy, happy little redhead. :o)

"Thank you Abba for showing me your faithfulness. You are the greatest love of all."

Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again. . .

She spun and she spun and she spun. Round and round, a blur of blues and greens from her dress. Tears flowed down her face and endless songs poured from her pink lips.
She was dancing with God. She knew it. She could feel it. She almost thought she could have lifted off the ground with the elation she felt. This was just their time. Just their time to be together and dance.
"How He loves us..." she whispered. She almost wanted to collapse at the overwhelming weight of that. For a moment she paused spinning and just lifted her closed eyes to the sky and worshiped her Father. Swaying back and forth, like a little girl dancing for her daddy, she continued to sing: "love's like a hurricane, i am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy." She felt so free. So carefree and happy to just be dancing around, a little girl for her Father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got a call today that prompted the emotional worship you read above. A job. A prospective employer calling me to offer me a position, and one that was actually higher than the original position I applied for. Of course I accepted: it was full-time, had benefits, and pays $1.50 more than the original position I applied for.

God amazes me. Seriously, He never ceases to amaze me. I've been looking for jobs since Christmas break and all the while I've been concerned about the 2 weddings I was going to: one in mid-August and the other one I'm a bridesmaid in in September. This job starts September 8th, the Tuesday after the wedding I'm in. =) Now, yes I've been unemployed and been super strapped for money, but I can honestly say that my bills have never been late since Christmas. Somehow money's come around in some way, shape, or form. Even if it was working at Starbucks for those 3 weeks, and as miserable as I was, I know it was God's way of keeping me financially afloat. This job I'm getting will be more than enough to pay my bills and save some money. I really am a blessed woman. . . I feel good about this job: I feel very encouraged.

Now I am still single, and I do want to be in a relationship, but I know that God's got it covered. I know my entire life has been planned in such a way, and I know even moreso about how annoying that is sometimes. But I also know that I've never been disappointed or upset about God's plans. I know he's out there somewhere, wondering where I'm at, and I'm sure we'll meet at it'll be stars and rockets everywhere. Ok maybe not literally but either way. I know God's timing is perfect.

All I need is You Lord, all I need is You.
Abba forgive me for not always trusting you. But I'm so thankful for Your grace and Your faithfulness to me over the years. I'm so thankful that you and I danced together and I feel safe in Your presence. Lord I pray for my daily bread to be taken care of.

"This, then, is how you should pray:
"'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.'" Matthew 6:9-13

It's been awhile. . .

Well it's been since June since I've graced the blogspot-sphere. Many-a-things have happened since then. . .

• I've moved back to VA.
  
• I'm still unemployed.
• I'm somehow happier than I thought I could be.

Yep. It's true. I mean I loved living with my roommate in PA and seeing the friends up there that I did, but I lived with a constant heaviness of debt over my head from my rent and my CC bill and impending student loans being due.
Granted I still have student loans coming up in November, and my credit card bill is ridiculously high, but I'm happy. Things are syncing here.

God's doing something big in my life and I'm not entirely sure what it is. I'm excited- I'm praying that whatever it is I'll be prepared and equally excited when it happens. I went to kid's camp this past week and it was incredible. I went fully expecting to just serve kids and have fun and be covered in bug's spray, and what I got was so much more than that. I developed friendships with a bunch of kids, became closer to some pre-existing friends, and more importantly heard from God.

Is it sad I wasn't expecting that? All this time God spends telling me to always be expecting, and then I spend a week serving others and don't expect God to move in my life? Seriously? anyway. Off of my silliness. Wednesday night I went outside of the service and walked around in the rain, singing and praying because I felt like God wanted to speak. . . Essentially this is what He said:
"You need to stop being so scared of being a children's pastor. This is what I've called you to do and you know you can do it once you get past your own fears. You're so capable and you don't even realize it." Tagged along with that was the affirmation that I'm where I'm supposed to be at the moment. I don't need to worry about looking for a job outside of the area since I'm supposed to be here for now.
The next morning I was getting coffee before the morning service, and PG came in and we were chatting about coffee, when all of a sudden he started shmoozing me about being a great CP.
Things HE said:

• "You're going to be a great children's pastor someday."
• "You're very personable and like to organize- those are two things children's pastors need to have."
  
• "You make friends easily so you won't have a problem getting volunteers."
• "I've seen you at [church in PA], and I know when you get nervous you mess up- but we all do it. We all have our off days and we all forget stuff. But I know when you're ready and prepared you do well."

So, suffice to say, I'm so blessed despite being unemployed, broke as a joke, and in debt. :)

"Abba thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for never letting me forget to expect the unexpected. I pray that I will be prepared for whatever's coming my way and be a better woman for it in the end."

Why does patience have to be a virtue?

I'm not a patient person.
It's not my nature.
Granted I don't go on a freak out if I don't get something my way in my timing, but internally I might be a bit frustrated that my plans aren't going my way.

I read a Xanga entry from someone the other day talking about relationships. I almost didn't read it, but then I thought about how I've been in a funk recently about being single for the last 2.5 years and I decided to read it. Before I get into this, please understand that I'm very happy being single. I'm very happy with decisions I made that led me to where I'm at. It's nothing like that. However if you've been single for any length of time you know how frustrating it can be when you're 1) interested in someone and nothing comes of it, or 2) there's some fun flirting in a public place like a grocery store or bank or wherever and nothing happens. Anyway, in the xanga blog the girl was talking about my least favorite thing: patience.
It boiled down to her giving advice to a guy friend that he wasn't willing to be patient and put time into making a relationship happen: he wanted the girl to marry right then and there. I read through, nodded in agreement a few times, then realized it was because I was looking at myself. When I broke up with my last boyfriend, he told me that he had planned on asking my parents that week if he could marry me. It was hard to realize that I could have been married probably this summer but instead I had to start back at square one. I want to be married: I want a husband, to start a family, and to start that stage of my life. Being the impatient young lady that I am, I want it now; I don't want to wait until I'm 25 or whenever. However I haven't met someone that's worthy of that role in my life. I need to be patient and invest time andpatience (groan) into a man and develop a friendship with him then a relationship. Honestly when I start dating a man, hopefully we'll already be best friends. Because of my impatient nature I want the perfect man to sweep me off my feet at a coffee shop, we'll fall madly in love and be married within the year.

But that's not God's plan for relationships.
It's not God's plans for life at all, in fact.
Think about it: God spent 6 days creating this universe we know when he could have sneezed and it would have all appeared in perfect working order. Natural evolution? Species evolving? It takes hundreds and thousands of years. It could happen overnight but it takes longer than our lifetime. Patience IS a virtue because otherwise you can miss life happening around you.

Well that sucks for me, the ever impatient one.

Now about my current predicament with not having a job. I'm still not a patient person. I still need a job desperately. But I have to believe that there's a reason I don't have a job, and when I do get it I'm sure it will be well worth the wait. I want a job now, I want a relationship now, I don't want to be patient.

However it's just part of God's bigger plan. I'll be a better woman for it by the end of it.

If I can wait that long. ;)

Don't take it for granted. . .

I take things for granted.
But especially I feel like I take Jesus and His grace for granted. Seriously.
I've graduated with my bachelor's degree from a Christian college, am a licensed reverend, and have been a Christian most of my life, yet I'm fairly certain I take Jesus for granted. I'm embarrassed to say so, but it's a fact.

I was reading through someone else's blog, and I was envious because they seem to have such a passion that I don't always have. Granted no one ever has a permanent passion, in comes and goes, but I realized it's because I've grown up in church.

Now if you've read my blog or know at all, you know that I've had my fair share of troubles in life: eating disorder, severe depression, bad relationships, etc. . . But I was a Christian before and after that. I wasn't living completely in sin then had a Saul experience where I was blinded by God then surrendered to Him. I'm not short-changing my testimony at all- I really do have an incredible testimony, and God has been so ridiculously good to me. But I just wonder how I seem to take it for granted when I don't deserve any of it.

I think I'm bothered that I don't tell people about Him more and have more enthusiasm for the goodness that is God. I don't brag on Jesus enough I suppose. That kinda sucks. :\

Abba forgive me for when I'm not thankful enough & I take You for granted. I pray that I will remember how much you've really done for me.

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ..." Ephesians 1:7-9

Hmmm. . .

Thanks Paul Wright for the good song. .
"Fly Away"

she's got dreams dreams that he's got things
that'll open up her sky so she can use her wings
to fly away.

she looks out her window
watching people as they pass on by
some of them want to come inside
man oh man one on one i wonder which one will she trust
cuz some men only lust
and she wants a man who can understand
what a woman wants and if he can appreciate her and not deface her
and she wants a king with a diamond ring
not some prince charming who's gonna steal everything that he gave her
yea

she's got to fly away (uh 1-2, uh 1-2, uh 1-2)
i watch her walk next to you but soon
she's got to get away (oh that's true, oh that's true, oh that's true)
i hope her dreams do come true
cuz she is a butterfly
spreadin spreadin spreadin spreadin
spreading her wings
(she's beautiful, she's beautiful, she's beautiful)

but her heart is a kingdom without a king
and without him she can't sing
so she waits on a watchtower
hoping praying waiting for his arrival (and all the people in the world say)
and then they'll

and she wants a family (family) she wants a lover (lover)
she wants a best friend closer than any other
a man that's true she wants a man who
can hear God's voice and know what he is called to do
she wants a hard worker not some lazy bum
but a man who knows how to get the job done
she wants a family to be a mother and raise a child that came from her
yea

she's got dreams dreams that he's got things things
that'll open up her sky so she can use her wings
to (to to) fly away
she's got dreams dreams that he's got things things
that'll open up her sky so she can use her wings
to (to to) fly away

she's got to fly away (fly away)
she's got to find her way
she's got to fly away

she?s on the ground learning to fly but she?s flying now
she?s on the ground it?s time to fly she?s gonna fly now
she?s on the ground looking down it?s time to fly ya?ll
she?s on the ground but watch her rise and fly away
she was looking down but now she?s looking to the sky ya?ll
spreading her wings to give it a try give it a try give it a try
to fly away when the rest of the girls are on the fall ya?ll
she?s spreading her wings to fly away

cuz she?s got dreams dreams that he?s got things things
that?ll open up her sky so she can use her wings
to (to to) fly away

I'm apparently forgetful. . .

How is it that when it comes to important decisions, I manage to forget to talk to Jesus? How is it that when I reflect on my life I don't always utter at minimum a quick "thanks"?
Part of me feels like I should berate myself for this. The other part realizes that I'm human and it's normal to forget.

Perfect example: This job opportunity. It sounds pretty cool. The boss seems nice. The environment looks neat. I've heard encouragement from friends and new acquaintances. But did I talk to God about it? Did I bother consulting and seeing what He thinks about it?
Nope.

And I still haven't. What the crap? How hard is it? Am I just scared to hear the answer? Am I scared to hear that yes, I may have to move across the country? Or on the flip side am I scared to hear "nope. keep looking"?

"And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine, since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice. Majesty. Majesty. Your grace has found me just as I am, empty handed but alive in Your hands."

Abba forgive me when I forget. I love you. Help me to remember to keep You in the big picture and remember this is all about Your timing; not mine. Gracias por su gracia.

But we haven't met yet?

Do you think it's possible to love someone you've never met? Maybe it's because I've grown up so much in the last couple of years, and learned so much about myself, but I feel like I'm ready to be in a relationship. I see relationships on TV, the computer, and even in my own life, and something inside my heart pulls a bit. Something inside of me wants that. Then every time I get that feeling, I say a quick prayer for whoever he is and hope that there's a chance he's thinking of me too. 

Ack I'm a romantic. Sickening, isn't it? It's quite possibly because I'm watching "P.S. I Love You"- in fact I can almost guarantee that's why I'm thinking so much of this. However even looking at my parents and seeing how much they love each other and the flirting that happens makes something twitch inside and say "I want that." Which there's nothing wrong with that, I really don't think there is. In fact I'm fairly certain the longer I'm single the more I can whittle away things that I actually want versus things I think I want. I can also pare away the things I used to want versus the things God wants. 

I can look back on myself in the last few years and feel a sense of pride, knowing I'm nothing like the girl I used to be. I'd like to think it's all for the better, and sure I still have some kinks to work out, but there'd be no fun if there wasn't some pain. I'm not boy crazy like I used to be. I'm picky with my choices in men, and I know that's ok. I have a list of things I want to do in my life, and it's ok that I'm not sure which is going to happen first- at least I have a list. I pray for my future husband and that he's going through some hell like I've had to. It's only fair after all. ;) I pray for direction pretty darn regularly. I'm in love with God. I have confidence that I never would have thought possible. I have such an amazingly talented group of friends who bless me on a regular basis. I never would have thought I would know such incredible people, but God has given me so much more than I deserve. 

I'm excited for whatever my future hubby's going to be like. Knowing how picky I am, he's going to be pretty dang cool. ;) 

Big surprise.

Things don't ever work out the way I want them to. In fact, sometimes I feel like I should stop planning things to happen because they don't come to fruition in the manner I would like them to. 

My original plan was to stay on campus this summer, work full-time, still help out at church, keep attending therapy, and live life merrily. However my credit card bill entered the picture.

Numbers started to crunch in front of my eyes.

And there it was:

Another failed plan.

Again, I don't know why I'm surprised. Things don't ever turn out the way I'd like them to in my life. Literally. I'm not saying it with regret, chagrin, or a want for sympathy- it's just how it is. I looked at some numbers, started adding some things up, and I realize it's fiscally more responsible for me to move home and work FT so I can save up money and pay off debts. 

I don't want to move back home.

Personally, I think it's ridiculous and stupid that a person spends 4-5 (or more) years living somewhere, developing relationships & a life, then said person has to up and leave. And if that person doesn't up and leave? They're scared to leave college. Granted that's a smidgen true in my case, but overall I just like it better here in PA than down in VA at this point. I have few friends at home (although the few I have are glorious) and I have a sense of independence living "on my own" (this is with full knowledge that I live in a little room, not a house, and still occasionally borrow $10 from the parents). I have a life here. I have roots here. I have a therapist for goodness sake! I haven't felt at home in VA in years. 

I want a huge bowl of ice cream, a big hug, and to cry for awhile. 

But that probably won't even work out. 

Circular concepts. . .

There's a job possibility that a pastor friend of mine brought up, and to be quite honest it scares the snot out of me. It's not even in this country, but I'm sparing details for the moment because it very well might not happen. Suffice to say though, it would be amazing beyond words if this were to become my job. 

I have a fear though- what if I went just because it's been in my top 3 places to go before I die instead of it being where God wants me to go? What if I want to go just for my own selfish regard? 

I was talking to PG yesterday about it and explaining my concern when he made a brilliant note... He asked if I knew the verse about God giving us the desires of our heart, and I said of course since I'm a 5th year bible student. He then said "well, what if God puts those desires within us so that we want them and he can give them to us? I think it's a circular concept." I had never thought about it like that before. I pretty much assume that since I want something I can't have it- that's just how my life goes. I'm not looking for pity, but that's just how my life goes. I wanted to be in Tucson for good and I can't, I want to fix myself financially yet I never can. . . It's just my life that I don't get what I want. I assumed that this job opportunity was no different. 

Maybe it is different.

Abba, help me to make wise decisions. Help me to seek Your will regularly and listen to Your voice. Thank You God for your faithfulness. <3

"Give all your concerns to the Lord, and He will keep you going; He'll never allow a life that's lived right to fall." Psalm 55:22

I hate when people joke about suicide.

Seriously.

Why would you joke about killing yourself?

Why would you jokingly put fingers to your head in a gesture of shooting yourself?

Why would you casually say "ugh it makes me want to kill myself" or "ugh well fine I'll just go kill myself"?

It's not ok. 

It's stupid. 

Ack.

Suddenly gone. .

I was watching an episode of House the other night and the opening scene was of a husband and wife. The husband was obviously on his death bed, and the wife stood nearby with tears in her eyes looking at her husband lovingly while he gasped for breath. He summoned her over and they were talking and tears just rolled off her face as she told him how much she loved him.

Fast forward 10 minutes:

I'll spare the details because it upsets me too much, but essentially one of the young doctors was found dead in his apartment: suicide by gunshot. I was doing OK watching it until the one doctor who found him was screaming at him to wake up and moved back into the frame covered in his blood, sobbing. 

Then I started to sob and almost hyperventilate, thinking of the loss of 2 friends who died in the same manner. 

It got me thinking. . . In the first scenario, how do you deal with losing someone you love like that? How do you handle watching your husband (or wife) whom you've pledged your undying love to slip away from you and there's nothing you can do? How can one come back from that emotionally? How does your heart heal? How do you even think of finding someone else to love? Do you find someone else to love? I almost wanted to cry for the wife, because I was looking and thinking of the path I've been on thus far with relationships, and to think that all that could eventually be in vain? Seriously? How do you fight with someone, love someone, share a life and countless memories with someone, and watch them suffer for however long then die? I just don't get it.

Scenario two. This one I relate a little more to because I've gone through this, twice. 

Part 1.

My sophomore year I was online and saw a blog with this simple entry: "RIP KATIE BEACH. KATIE BEACH IS DEAD." I made a call and the news was confirmed. The room started to spin. Nausea crept into my body like a cold drink. Anger surged through my veins. I stumbled out of my dorm room and walked outside, and felt twice as angry that the sky was so blue and the weather so warm and Katie was so gone. It felt like I walked in a daze for the next 2 days. I couldn't go home because my job wouldn't let me leave since she "wasn't family." My grandfather died 3 weeks prior and I had taken 9 days off for that. I'm still angry about it.

Part 2.

Fall semester of my super senior year. I get on my facebook and see a wallpost from a friend that says "poor chris." I'm confused about what even though I know which Chris the friend was referring to- we only have 1 mutual friend named Chris. I post back on his wall saying "poor chris? what happened to him?" A few days later I got an e-mail saying how he was sorry to tell me online, but Chris shot himself in the head last monday. Tears came so quickly it scared me. My breath shortened and I couldn't breathe. I stood up to find somewhere to go, and I grabbed my cell phone and stumbled out of my building toward the back parking lot. Tears were streaming and my breath was still ragged and my legs literally gave out under me just before the bench next to the sidewalk. I lurched forward and sobbed so hard I almost threw up. In fact I gagged a bit. A friend of mine saw me stumble out of the lounge and came over and threw her arms around me and held me and let me scream and cry, all the while muttering "Why God, not Chris." The facts were confirmed later. I've still never found an obituary for my dear friend Chris. 

Now I need to stop typing all this because the tears are about to start flowing again. I was closer to Chris than I was with Katie, and on a weekly basis I'm reminded of my amazing, Chinese food-eating, purple-haired, oboe playing friend. God almighty do I want him back. I wish so badly I had kept up with him more because I have a survivor's guilt in that maybe I could have done something to help him. 

Part 3.

How have I survived? I've experienced such deep loss with friends that it's almost made me vomit. But for the grace of God. If it weren't for Jesus I swear I might have given up on life myself a few times. Maybe that's the key to surviving the death of a spouse. But God. 

My God, I thank you that You've never let me give up. I thank you that You've never given up on me. I pray that You'll give me strength to keep going even when I feel like I'm about to fall apart. Amen. 

I was sitting in the commons of my college today reflecting on my time here at school. I'm a 5th senior, affectionately known as a "super senior" and I realized something: this college really has been good to me. I've grown exponentially here, I've been Homecoming queen, I've been in multiple positions of leadership, I've been recognized for my leadership qualities, and in general my life has been poured into by multiple people. I was sitting pondering all off this and I realized I wish I could go back 5 years and tell 17 year old freshman Redhead some important things about what was to come. So, here's my letter to 17 year old Redhead. .

17 year old redhead

Dearest little girl,
Take time to enjoy life. Take time to enjoy your time here. It's going to be over before you know it, and I promise you're rolling your eyes and nodding your head in agreement to appease me, but believe me. It's gone in an instant. Put off dating as long as you can- you might save yourself a lot of trouble. However if you don't, don't regret the time spent with that young man. Take every mistake as an opportunity to learn and grow from it. Next time you won't make the same mistake- I can guarantee it. Make wise choices. Laugh a lot with your friends. Take more pictures than anyone will ever deem necessary. Tell people you care about what you think about them. Take time pouring out the blessings poured into you. You can do this. Any crisis that comes your way won't destroy you- it's just another opportunity to build you up and be a life lesson.
I love you my friend. Don't forget it.
Super senior, 22 yr old Redhead.

22 year old redhead

Don't forget!

I've been on a kick lately of something that's a bit old-fashioned that not a lot of people do anymore. Now don't judge me for my confession that's about to pop up, and don't be too scared. I'm not crazy or anything, but I'm finding it's something I actually really enjoy. . . 

Reading the Bible.

I know! I know! Who reads the Bible anymore? Well ok we use chunks and pieces for our sermons, but who legitimately sits down and enjoys reading it these days? Especially when we live in a culture that doesn't have time to enjoy it. We're busy people! Busy busy busy! 

But I read something that really struck a chord in the 40 minutes I read my Bible for fun. . . I was reading in Joshua and on the side of my Bible was a little devotional about a passage in the book, and it was talking about the Israelites leaving stones or memorials so that people wouldn't ever forget what God had done in that place. In this case it was them crossing the Jordan River. They took 12 stones and piled them up so people would always look at that and remember the miracle of crossing a river that was 10-12 feet deep in flood season! 

Then I realized, how do I remember what God's done in my life? Do I remember what God's done in my life? I mean sure I remember the big things like my financial debt being taken care of, or huge movements in my life, but do I remember the little words of affirmation or believing that God placed on me? I have a prayer journal that I've been keeping fairly active for a couple of years, and I try to write down all the words I get in there but some times I feel like I forget them before I can write them down. I want to make a point to never forget what God has done. 

And also, I'm *really* glad God responded when I asked for a renewed passion for the Bible. I was sick of being complacent in my walk, and I told God to "rock the boat" so to speak. But specifically, to start with me having a renewed love for reading the Bible. I'm "too busy" and have "too much to do" and "not enough time" to read it most of the time. I asked God to help me find time. I'm glad He answered. ;) 

Father help me to never forget how powerful You are and how faithful You are on a daily basis in my life. Please don't let me become complacent with mediocrity. Amen.

"He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God." Joshua 4:24

Faith the size of a mustard seed

How much do I really believe in what I pray?

I mean I constantly ask God for things I want answered or for miracles to be done in my life or someone else's life, but do I really believe it can happen?

Do I really believe that God will do something?

I've been praying for my daddy to get saved for years, and I've always legitimately wanted him to get saved, but did I really think God would save him? Or did I think my dad would magically become Christian of his own volition?

This past semester I really started believing it; I started being more aggressive with my prayer requests. I started actively telling God that I was going to believe Him and have faith in His promises. Countless times we read in the Bible how God is faithful and can do anything, yet will He really move if we don't believe He will? Now with my prayers I actively tell God that I do have faith in Him and I do believe that He's going to move. I tell him on a regular basis that I'm expecting Him to move because 1) He's told me before that if I go expecting Him to move, He will, and 2) I deserve it. As His daughter I deserve it, and that applies for everyone. 

Things I'm believing my Abba for:

Salvation for my dad

Healing of my knee

Plans to happen for graduation

His will be revealed to me daily

A renewed sense of passion on a daily basis

All I need is the faith of a mustard seed. That's not too much to ask, so why do I act like it's so much to give?

Abba thank you for staying faithful to me when I'm so unfaithful to you. I'm expecting you to move and re-ignite this fire in me, and God I'll even take this first step to show I'm committed. I'm believing in you Abba, and I know you won't let me down. 

"He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

Blessings Abound.

Blue carpet.

Blurry eyes.

Lashes heavy with tears.

This was all she could see; she lifted her head slightly and noticed the crowd had thinned. With a sniffle she lowered her head once more to the ground and could only say one word over and over- if she didn't her very core might just explode and demand an explanation. "Jesus, Jesus..." she murmured into the now soggy carpet. Despite being vulnerable emotionally and physically thanks to her prostrate position, she felt like there was a warm blanket upon her keeping her safe and sound. Loving and encouraging words seemed to whispered into her ear as she heard her Abba talk to her. Words of affirmation and a few words that knocked her to her core, but in a good and much needed way. Things were going to be different now; maybe she was finally getting a hang of this tricky path she followed on a daily basis. Probably not, but for now she would continue following in the footsteps of her Abba, making sure not to lose sight of Him ahead of her. . . 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Suffice to say, chapel was amazing. 

God spoke to me more than I've heard in a long time. Granted he's probably tried to talk to me and I'm just too noisy to shut up and listen. However today I clearly heard so much. 

#1- "You're so much stronger than you think you are. You're so quick to undermine who you are and what you do because you think that's easier, when really I want to pick you up and show you how far you've come and what you've done and help you with what you're going to do. You're a much stronger woman than you give yourself credit for baby girl." 

Don't ask about the "baby girl" thing; it's a secret. =p But it's so true! I'm so quick to knock myself down for something I think, feel, or do. I constantly feel like I'm wrong about stuff so I keep my mouth shut or don't assert myself like I could. God's trying to tell me that I'm such a strong person and help me to grow yet I won't let it happen because I keep stunting myself. In fact, I think it was last semester, but a wonderful girl friend was praying over me and at the end, she looked at me in awe and amazement. Of course I asked what the face was for, and she said "I was praying for you and I just saw you were so big; not physically but spiritually girl you're like a giant. Just very tall and strong." A few weeks ago in chapel a professor [who knows little about me] behind me said "You've got something [redhead], don't let it go." I feel like with these things God's building me up for something big. Much, much bigger than graduation. 

#2 - "You're not alone. I've got people praying for you that you wouldn't even expect. You're so covered in prayer by so many people; don't ever feel like you're alone. Even people you would never expect, they're praying for you."

Sometimes I feel very alone, which if you've read my blog at all you know this. For years, going back to youth group, I can feel more alone at an altar than in a group of friends if no one prays for me. In fact as a youth, I used to wonder why people would walk past me and not pray. I still wonder sometimes, and some days I desperately wish someone would just show they care and put a hand on my shoulder, but now I know. There's people that I'm unaware of praying for me. I know most people realize that someone's praying for them, but honestly I don't think I've felt it or realized it as much as I did today. 

#3- "You don't have to preach at them, just tell them about me. Show them what I can do; that's what they really want to hear." I realized that I'm so careful to not mention God explicitly to people at home, including my dad. It's not that I'm embarrassed of God or anything, I just don't think people will understand. I remember when I told my dad I speak in tongues, he was like "how come I don't get to hear any of this?!" and I explained it's because I didn't think he'd understand. Well dang why don't I just tell him so he DOES understand?! Today God was telling me that I don't have to hide parts of my life from people because how else will people know my relationship with God? I can call myself a Christian all I want, but "Christian" to a lot of people has such negative associations like "hypocrite," "bible thumper," "crazy," "narrow minded," "blah blah blah." Either way, I can say "yeah sure, I'm a Christian" but how do people know if I don't tell them the things God has done in my life?

What about when God gave me $600 in 2 days for a missions trip when I had $0 in my bank account?

What about God healing me and telling me I would be able to have kids when a doctor told me I couldn't?

What about God getting me out of the deepest depressions in high school?

So much stuff in my life God has done yet I don't tell people because "I don't think they'll understand." It's a cop out. Of course they won't understand, but that's why I can explain and help them to try to understand. 

Again, chapel today was amazing. 

Good enough?

Am I not good enough?

Am I not pretty enough?

Am I not needy enough for people?

Do I not cling desperately in a vain attempts that someone will notice me?

I feel like people try so desperately to get noticed that others get pushed to the side. 

Read: I'm in a group of people and feel like I'm completely unnoticed. I feel like I'm just bypassed and not there. I feel like there's so much BS when it comes to people. . . I feel like there are people who are crying out for attention (in a negative sense) and then there are people who are desperate to lavish attention on someone, then there's people like me who fall in the middle ground and literally tend to slip through the cracks. We're not overly vying for attention, nor are we seeking out the wounded puppy to love on. It's frustrating because I feel like since I'm neither of those 2 I'm wandering about just wanting a friend to notice me. I'm not going to seek out that attention because it's desperate. 

I just get annoyed sometimes.

Like now.

Unbreakable

I've decided to adopt this as my life's song.

"Unbreakable" by Fireflight

Where are the people that accused me?

The ones who beat me down and bruised me.

They hide just out of sight,

can't face me in the light.

They'll return but I'll be stronger. 

God I want to dream again,

take me where I've never been.

I want to go there,

this time I'm not scared.

Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable

No one can touch me,

nothing can stop me.

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going,

but faith is moving without knowing.

Can I trust what I can't see?

To reach my destiny,

I want to take control but I know better. 

God I want to dream again,

take me where I've never been.

I want to go there.

This time I'm not scared.

Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable.

No one can touch me.

Nothing can stop me.

Forget the fear it's just a crutch

that tries to hold you back,

and turn your dreams to dust.

All you need to do is just trust.

God I want to dream again (I want to dream again)

Take me where I've never been

I want to go there (I want to go there)

This time I'm not scared.

Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable (I am unbreakable)

No one can touch me (no one can touch me)

Nothing can stop me. 

Hit me with your best shot. . . Fire away.

Today in chapel the speaker was talking about 1 Samuel 14. He was saying how the Philistines were mocking Jonathan and his armor bearer by telling them to come up to the top of the mountain and "hit them with their best shot" (thank you Pat Benatar). He had us ponder what enemy is at the top of our mountain. What's at the top going "Go ahead, gimme the best you got. You can't do it."

What's my enemy?

I thought about it, and I realized it's my own doubt. It's my own faithlessness. It's Coloring For A Cure. It's Graduation. It's. . . Me.

I'm at the top saying "You can't do it- you'll just fail. You're going to tank and fail. Don't bother trying. Just give up before you embarrass yourself."

I'm so good at knocking myself down and making sure I don't try hard enough. I'm so good at doubting and not having enough faith in myself. I'm so good at thinking my ideas are stupid and that I'm just a simpleton. I'm not a very theological person; I'm ok with this and it's not a big deal- so what if I'm not some deep thinking theo studies major? I love God. I try hard. I make as much effort as I can to be a good person. I pray regularly for people. Yet for some reason I get around some people and I knock myself down because I feel like I need to be this person that I'm not. 

Anyway. I'm so good at ruining myself. I'm at the top of this huge mountain, looking down going "You can't do it Ashley. Just stop trying. All you're good at is make-up; just stick with that. No one thinks you can do anything of value." Or the ever-so-classic: "You're worthless. You're broken and damaged goods. No man is going to want you. You messed up too bad." 

Today God brought to mind some stuff that he laid on my heart last semester: wonderful things like "God is bigger than your circumstances" or "Expect God to move and He will." It was a blessing today in chapel. It was hard looking at myself at the top of the mountain and emotionally rolling up my sleeves, getting a look of steely determination, and keep on going. It was hard to tell myself to shut up and that I was wrong. I didn't feel released from chapel until probably 11:40, when normally I'll leave at 11:15ish. I felt like God was just telling me to breathe and expect Him to move. Somehow I got so caught up in my own circumstances that I forgot how much bigger God is than all of my petty crap. Granted He still cares and hurts with me about my petty stuff, but at the same time I need to remember how it's not eternal and Jesus is. 

I fall. I get bruised, scraped, battered, torn up, I bleed, and I may whine and complain the whole way, but dangit I will keep going. I'll keep defying my own expectations and my own standards of who I am because God is revealing more and more about myself. I have amazing friends and wonderful parents that support me and love me. I don't need that negative, pessimistic side of me. 

Abba thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your affirmation that You are bigger than my problems. Thank you for reminding me that You'll move if I expect you to. 

"Faith is the realness of all we hope for, something we can hold on to even when we can't see it." Hebrews 11:1

Depression

I'm amazed at how quickly it's come back. I legitimately feel depressed again. I feel hurt and wounded and broken and miserable, and all the while I want someone to hold me and tell me I'm beautiful and worth something. 

I feel like I'm confined in this box and I can't get out. For awhile I was thinking maybe it was my table I sit at or the people I hang out with, but now I realize it's not and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be truly happy again. I remember what it was like to feel like that, and I want it back. I read Job today during chapel and I was literally feeling suicidal midway. Reading the Bible. In chapel. Suicidal. Go figure. But it was Job essentially crying out asking God why He was ignoring Him and turning a deaf ear to him despite Job's faithfulness, and that's how I felt. I felt like scared, sick 16 year old redhead again who used to hate herself and her life. The worst part? Most people have no idea. Most people have no idea that just because I smile for a little bit doesn't mean I'm happy. Most people don't bother asking. Most people don't hug me and mean anything; it's just to hug someone. 

I hate this right now.

Abba wrap your arms around me please. I won't make it otherwise. 

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek Him always."  Psalms 105:4

Hmmmm. . . .

I just realized that I'm really good at keeping a lot of people out.

But then I'm also really good at being too trusting.

I'm my own paradox.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Those were my thoughts during a class of mine. I was sitting there and realized that while I do have several confidants (and levels of confidants within that), I'm also really good at keeping people at an arm's length away from me. I can name a few people off the top of my head that 1) seem like they'd be good confidants and/or 2) have offered to spend more time with me to hang out or get to know me or whatever, but I'm weary of such things with certain people. It scares me to be honest with so many people. It scares me that there are at exactly 4 people on this campus that I see on a regular basis that know parts of my past that most others don't know. But at the same time I'm OK with that; there are 2 guys that know and 2 girls that know and still love me and support me. Granted it's good for people to have someone to confide in, otherwise you'll explode, but other times I feel like maybe I'm too honest. Can you be too honest? I mean I don't tell everyone everything. . . There is 1 person on this campus that knows EVERYTHING. That means she knows probably 2 secrets that others don't. And honestly they're secrets I didn't even want to tell her, but they were part of the series of dots being connected when I told her a bigger secret. 

Anyway. 

I think part of me is scared because I lay my heart out on the table for people and it lays there: bruised, swollen, discolored, and seemingly held together by scotch tape and band-aids, and I don't want them to add to it's already deformed state. I'm being worked on by my Abba, and I know I'm in a restoration process right now, but the whole vulnerability thing still scares me. 

For now, as broken as my heart is, I know that God's cleaning things up and fixing me until I'm who He wanted me to originally be. And hey, I pretty much live by the same sentiment as Brad Davis shared in chapel years ago: "I want to tell stories of my own." 

You can't have good stories without  some good bruising. 

Abba help me to establish my own sort of boundaries. Help me to open up to those who are good enough, and guard my heart at the same time. Help me to not shut down those who don't deserve it. 

"Be confident of this... that He who began a good work in you will carry it on until it's finished and you're completed when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6

Nothing is impossible for You.

*Inspired by a vision of a friend I just had*

Sweat poured off his brow. His breathing was tense and haggard as he struggled to stand back up. His palms were scratched up and there was a slight wobble to his knees as he fought to defeat the fatigue that was overtaking him. He slumped back down for a brief second before throwing his gaze into the sky and staring up with a steely determination in his eyes. With a surge of adrenaline, hope, and a slight growl he forced himself onto his two feet. 

There he stood- the sun's rays shining behind him emanating a glow that seemed ethereal. The warrior was bleeding from seemingly everywhere; yet a slight smile formed at his mouth. Sweat had made his hair cling to his scalp and dirt to his face and hands, yet he never looked better. The last rays of the sun framed the injured warrior as he stood there, arms by his side, breathing in a somewhat more stable manner. "This tower can not be shaken," he murmured through cracked lips. This time as he fell to his knees it wasn't in defeat, but in a sign of humility before his heavenly Father, thanking Him yet again for the strength to get up again. His breathing slowed more to a restful pace, and as he whispered praises and love to his Abba, his God, he fell asleep when the sun did. 

Abba thank you for friends that inspire me and make me want to be a better person.

"Commit yourself to God, and you will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

He's still working on me. . .

"How loving and patient He must be, 'cuz He's still working on me..."

That's pretty much how I feel right now. Most of the time I feel like I'm a good person, but then certain situations arise and I see how others handle them and I wish I could be that mature. I see a few of my friends handle situations with grace and compassion whereas I want to pop up and take action with anger or frustration. I didn't use to be like this? . . . . I think, anyway. 

Some of my friends don't get heated up (visually anyway) and they will be rational and talk through whatever the situation is with whatever person it involves. Some of my friends will give second chances and not hold grudges. Why can't I do that? Why do I get angry or hold grudges so quickly? I want to be a better person. I want to be like my wonderful, compassionate, understanding friends. 

Abba teach me to love people as You love people. Teach me to respond with compassion, love, and even empathy. Teach me Father.

"This is the confidence we have in getting close to God. . . . that if we ask Him for anything according to His will, He listens to us." 1 John 5:14

The sun is shining, the sky is blue, I love Jesus and I love you. . .

It's a good day (GREAT DAY!) for praising the Lord!

Anyone else reminded of this song on a beautiful day like that? I know I am. . . 

I walk outside and see the beautiful sky with puffy clouds, feel the rush of a cool breeze, and the gentle sun warming my pale skin. My feet are bare as I walk along the paths and feel the cool earth beneath my toes. My smile is small but inside it's ear-to-ear and I feel a song in my heart and a dance in my feet. I feel alive. I feel beautiful. I feel regenerated by such a day. My Abba God knows how desperately some of us needed weather like this, including myself. It's a beautiful change from the cold (albeit sunny) days. There's pure life in this kind of weather. There was even smokey wood smell that seemed almost out of place on a day that didn't need a fire, but the smell was so delicious it fit in just fine. 

Abba I thank you for a beautiful day and for feeling alive. 

"May all my being praise the Lord and never forget His blessings- God satisfies all I desire with everything good so that my youth is fresh like an eagle's spirit." Psalms 103:2,5

It all came rushing back. . .

It was an innocent grocery shopping trip between me and a friend. We were hanging out, goofing off about different scents from shampoo to deodorant. Then I saw it. . . 

The green glass bottle with a black screw-top lid that I'd seen every summer for years since I was a little girl, watching it be applied to a stubbled cheek. The silver text on the front was just proclaiming the scent of "men" yet to me it was ominous and for some reason I had to smell it. I had to; it almost drew me to it. However the second I did I wished I hadn't. . . I was thrown back through the years and felt scared and wanted to cry. I put it down and put my hand to my mouth, feeling sick that I had smelled it. It was a scent I hadn't smelled in 3 years and I was ok with that. My friend could tell I was upset so we found a new aisle to harass. Candy seemed to be working until I stood there, my insides churning, hot tears starting to well up inside of me, and I confessed to my friend my reaction. I explained in the vaguest sense what I was feeling and why without going into too many details. He listened and then just hugged me and held me for a minute. It was a safe feeling, which is something I desperately needed given my confession. 

It's so strange. . . Sometimes I want to be angry about parts of my childhood. Sometimes I want to lash out and complain and do stupid things that could probably be justified by a few moments in my past. Most of the time I wish there wasn't "a few moments." I used to think there wasn't anything wrong about what had happened; given the parties involved and the familiarity it seemed OK even though at 5 years old I could still tell something was wrong. That scares me most of the time because it makes me wonder if it will affect me in ways I don't know about later. I know my claustrophobia is partially caused by such things, which I don't tell most people because it's perfectly acceptable to say "I'm claustrophobic. I don't like feeling constrained or like I can't get out of a space." For a period of time I was bitter towards God (and I mean it was in 2008) that something like this would happen and it wasn't fair that I never seemed to have a shot at being pure and being clean. However after much prayer and shouting and listening to a close girl friend, God really revealed to me that these were just speed bumps like everything else. They were just more things I had to overcome and grow through. 

I'm so tired. I feel physically and emotionally drained. 

Abba help me to remember you've made me pure in your eyes. Help me to remember I am clean, no matter what's happened to me. 

"If anyone is in Christ, [s]he comes new all over again." 2 Corinthians 5:17

Confidence?

My picture is smiling because I feel like smiling. I wrote a sermon on inner joy for kid's church tomorrow and it made me remember my own personal inner joy. 

I finished my credentialing exam around 9:20 a.m. after starting it at 8:30 a.m.. 75 questions, 1 ministry inventory, 1 calling sheet, and 1 testimony sheet and 50 minutes later and I walked up with mixed feelings. Honestly I feel like I did well even though there were a few questions that I had little to no idea of. I'm always wary of saying I did well because then I don't always do great. Somehow I still have an my inner joy though. That's gotta be God. Let's be real here. I think I do finally feel a sense of relief, knowing my exam is out of the way and my sermon's taken care of. I feel like hugging everyone. I feel like jumping for joy. I feel like. . . Really good. 

Sounds silly but I do. This started the other night and has kind of been working it's way up this whole week I just didn't see it coming. I've got a couple of friends who (probably got sick of me feeling blah and complaining) have really poured into me and said uplifting things. I even thought back to myself feeling like this and yearned for it to come back and I felt like I didn't know how to get it again. The other night on my "Let it be" blog,  I realized I keep saying how God's never let me down and I've never been disappointed by anything God's done, but I don't think I ever really believed it. I finally started believing it. I feel joyful. I have no worries about graduation. Whatever happens will happen. Jesus knows. 

I'm also not a blah person like I've been thinking/feeling. I am appreciated despite my previous whinings. I'm so blessed and so loved by my family and friends (new and old). The amount of prayer over me just over my credentialing exam? Oh it was glorious and ridiculous. Everyone was amazingly encouraging and excited for me and proud of me. 

Abba thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for giving me amazing friends that love me and pray for me. 

"Give all your concerns to the Lord, and He will keep you going; He'll never allow a life that's lived right to fail." Psalms 55:22

16 year old redhead scares me. . .

I just found this on an old blog of mine. It makes my heart sad and reaffirms that I want to work with teenage girls so they don't have to do this. . . :\

"BUT. here's what I'll do. if I get hungry, I'll just steam some cauliflower. maybe put a bit of spray butter on it, and we'll all be happy! yay! I complained about being a pig and crap in my last entry, but I dont feckin do anything about it. Im gonna work out more, and eat less, and purge more. pop some more pills, and we'll all be happy! yay me! =)"  my OpenDiary account from 7/3/2003

(The pills were apple cider vinegar pills, which I had heard would increase your metabolism if you took them regularly.)

Again Abba, thank you for your faithfulness. <3

Let It Be, let it be. . .

I've noticed that for the last couple of days I've been rather melancholy. Around my friends I feel wonderful and happy and full of life, but then it's me and my thoughts and I feel panicked, dismayed, and mildly depressed. I find myself wishing for meaningful compliments from friends instead of seeking my validation through God again. I find myself freaking out about graduation plans when God has done nothing but be completely faithful to me in the past. What's my problem?

. . . I have no idea.

Why can't I just shut my mouth and let God do His bidding? Have I yet to be disappointed? Have I yet to be let down? This whole year at school has just been so different. Last semester it seemed different in a wonderful kind of way. That was in the beginning, and I really think emotionally it was the worst semester I've had since fall 2005. With Chris committing suicide, other horrendous (like beyond regular "girl drama") things on my floor, I felt drained. I started checking out. This semester I feel like maybe I'm just being spiritually attacked. There's a bunch of [stupid girl drama] things going on on my floor which there wasn't last year, and being the RA I have to fix everything. I feel like I'm in a taffy puller sometimes, being pushed and pulled until I'm a weird gelatinous blob. If God's doing it, by all means have fun and see what happens. But I just feel drained these days. The last 2 days I've cried possibly 6 times. . . I was talking to a dear friend of mine and I told him "I know it sounds like I cry a lot, but I swear I don't!" And I don't! For some reason though, the water works have been on full gear. . . 

I was talking to a girl friend of mine and I had a realization that I have to physically remove myself from the area to preserve my friendships. If I stay in the area, there'll be some sort of weird tension because I'll meet new people, my friends will meet new people, and there'll be the whole thing about being so close yet never hanging out. Plus I don't want to be that girl that comes back to visit every single weekend. No one wants that. I have to completely remove myself from the VF scene. I was telling friends about it last night and [big surprise] I started to cry. (Seriously, why all the crying this semester?!?!?!) 

I need to quite whining and start trusting. 

Abba forgive me for not trusting. Help me to somehow learn patience. Forgive me for my funk. Save me from myself. Je t'aime mon Dieu, mon amore. 

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." 

Psalm 9:10

I hate banks.

Sometimes I beg God to send me a check in the mail. 

I feel like my life would be significantly less stressful if that was the case.

Past words = Present hope

One time when I was 15 someone told me that I have the gift of joy. Honestly this came as a complete shock to seeing as I was in the throes of depression and an eating disorder that had me lying to my most beloved family and friends. 

Another time when I was 16 a close family friend told me to surrender my life to Jesus completely since my mum and I were fighting. It's funny; my mom and I are so alike we fight on a semi-regular basis. It used to be really bad because I was convinced I was right, as most 16 year olds think they are. (Redhead's note: I forgot to tie this in because the woman who e-mailed me also was encouraging me to become a woman of God and surrender all to Him. I forgot to mention that though before. I promise it fits in. :o) )

This past semester (Fall '08), my friend Chris committed suicide. The day before I left home to go be with friends that knew him, I got 2 of the most amazing and precious things that are now tucked safely into my prayer journal. Ironically it was from sisters, and I still never asked if they knew the other was going to give me something. From one was a letter telling me how much she was touched when she saw me praying in worship chapel, and how I was a woman of God and that I should just let God carry me on a regular basis. I cried after read it. The other was actually a painting that in purple says across the front: "Paint Love Across the Sky" with a brushed purple background. I cried even harder when I got that one. It was pretty much about how I prayed over her when she first got to the school and it confirmed things that God had been speaking into her life. 

We had an authenticity chapel at school about a week ago, and it was about being real and authentic and now, 5 days later, I'm thinking something inside of me seriously broke. How is it that a popular, (attractive? That's a strange thing for me to say) funny, goofy, Homecoming queen college student feels empty and alone inside? 

I have amazing friends, don't get me wrong. But I feel like a lot of the compliments I receive (albeit are wonderful) are shallow: "your make-up looks AMAZING!", or "wow you look pretty today!" or maybe complimenting a necklace I've made. I appreciate them; I truly do. But sometimes I wish, nay, crave a compliment that has to do with who I am as a person. Do I show God's love like I feel it? Am I a nice person? I mean I know these things, but it's different from knowing and hearing. I reached a depression about this to a point where over Christmas break I had to ask my mom to give me some love in that regard. I was embarrassed and ashamed and still kind of am that I had to ask my mom for that. 

I'm an RA on my campus, and I know a ton of people in several different walks of life. I love to love on people and pour out happiness and joy and whatever else have you on them, but I'm left feeling empty because I feel like I don't get poured back into. I'm equally embarrassed by this because I feel like I should just enjoy the love of God I have and His wonders, but aren't we supposed to build up the body? I constantly look through those letters I mentioned before just for a piece of hope that someone noticed something, and someone appreciated me. I try not to think of things like this, because honestly it could quickly become a foothold in my life to allow my former depression to come creeping in.

Or perhaps I'm just a rambling redhead again. Go figure. 

The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life. Proverbs 10:11

Enemies made of porcelain and glass.

It's not what you think.

In fact I can guarantee it's not what you think.

You wouldn't possibly foresee that the heroine's greatest foe was indeed a simple mirror and. . . a toilet. You wouldn't dare imagine that the heroine was terrified to be alone by herself in her darkest moments because of the fear of what she would do to herself. 

You wouldn't imagine that I, just a redhead, used to be the mirror&toilet-fearing redhead. 

I'm 22 years old, and my fear of a toilet goes back about 6 (almost 7) years when I was turning 16. My fear of a mirror stems back for as long as I can remember. In fact, those who know me would have a hard time understanding that at a point in my life I had a hard time smiling because I wasn't sure I knew how to. I was probably 14 then. 

I remember it vividly: I was 15 years old, sitting on our hand-me-down couch downstairs watching TV and one of those lifetime movies about bulimia came on. It has Calista Flockhart on it, who at the time was going through a lot of public skepticism if she actually had an eating disorder, so there was a slight bit of irony about her portrayal of this woman in the movie. I remember watching her and her best friend in college binge eat, throw it all up in the bathroom, then working out obsessively. Her friend died. I sat there staring and while I felt some sort of sadness for them I also felt a sense of relief. My thought literally was: ". . . does that really work? Could I really lose weight quickly doing that?" I tried it later that day.

I didn't stop trying on a daily (nee, hourly) basis until about 6 months ago. I didn't understand that that lifetime movie would pretty much crack through my fragile self-esteem and shine a light that I saw as hope but was actually going to quickly turn to pain and destruction. 

I'll spare my readers (if any) the gory details, but suffice to say it escalated quickly, I lost about 30 lbs in 2 months, and I was up to purging 11 times a day. It was a sickness. I was pleased with the results I was seeing, and I loved the compliments I was getting, plus my new boyfriend at the time didn't seem to be bothered by my "new diet".  

I was 16 years old when I thought about running my car off the road out of sheer hatred for myself. No matter what I did I was still the heaviest girl around, which of course meant I was the ugliest, which of course meant I was repulsive and worthless. I would never do anything in my life worth anything (despite being called to children's ministries recently) and no one would care if I was gone. I was nothing. 

I read through what I just typed and my heart just breaks. I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I type and I say that because it's literally the grace of God that saved me. My heart hurts for that girl I used to be. I tried so hard to make things better myself- I got a Christian boyfriend at a Christian college, and it turns out I ended up compromising myself with him and crossing so many boundaries. My depression was out of control. I would spend days in my room wishing God would just kill me because I couldn't do it myself. 

This isn't to get sympathy from anyone. This isn't to get "awww poor girl" from anyone, and it's not to make anyone feel like they need to treat me differently. It's so people understand me a little better. It's so people see how amazing God is. Actually it's all so people see how deep God's love really is for us. The fact that I kept shunning God for years and he still pursued me? How does one ignore that? How can you still want to die when the creator of the universe already died for you?

God told me to get out that compromising relationship when I was 20. I thought we were going to get married, and God had other ideas apparently. 

A day doesn't go by that I don't thank God for that. 

When I was "alone" (in the martial sense) I had to find myself and what she was like at 20 years old. I knew the me that had a boyfriend, but I wasn't sure who I was without one. I started dating him 3 months into college and being in my 3rd year of college, that's a lot of development that happened there. I look back on myself at 20 and look at myself now at 22, being single for almost 2 years (March 11th!!) and I want to cry again. God has been so amazing. My heart literally twitterpates at the thought of how different I am because of God. 

Biggest shocker? 

I love myself. I genuinely like myself. I see a worth in myself that I didn't know was there before. I haven't thrown up once in 2009 and prior to that I had thrown up 3 times since June. I'm not perfect. I'm growing. I'm changing on a daily basis. I fall and I trip and I bleed and I want to give up but the second my head starts to fall, God grabs my face and tilts it upward back to the proper point of focus. My God is bigger than my problems. He is bigger than bulimia, bigger than sexual sins, bigger than depression. My God has saved me and redeemed me in a way that I truly never thought was possible. In chapel at school sometimes I'll just stand there and weep because of God's love for me and how much He's done for me when I don't deserve it. 

I deserve nothing, yet He's given me everything. In myself I fail miserably, but in Him I'm victorious. To myself and the mirror there's imperfection, but to my God, my Abba, I'm His beautiful girl: His masterpiece creation. My tears flow at this moment as a woman that's completely broken and in love with God and so grateful for the best friend and love she could ever experience. 

"Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, who have confidence in Him and because of Him." Jeremiah 17:7